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Scene from The Ocean and Time (1 Viewer)

jonius

Senior Member
A young boy was playing in the gardens. A middle-aged woman stood at the door of an inn, an inn Silverious knew well. The woman’s eyes were wet from the burden of tears.
“Come in Alsalzar it’s not safe out there.”
“But momma I’m fine. Really I am.”
“Listen to me! Get in here now!”
“Ever since father died you never let me go outside.”
“Do you want the mares to get you?”
“Pish posh I can take on a thousand mares without blinking.” Alsalzar swung a stick. “Die you filthy mongrels.”
“You do not know what you are saying.”
“Momma let him play in the gardens, it should be alright.” It was another voice now a soft delicate voice.
“Lucia the mares were our masters. You are too young to know the absolute devastation they caused.” Lucia brightened.
“Look at the little guy momma, he’s got enough love and courage in him to fend off a thousand mares."
“It takes more then love and courage Lucia, your father understood that.”
“My father wouldn’t have us standing idly by well our neighbors are massacred and enslaved. My father was a hero, and contrary to what you believe still is a hero on the Isle of dreams.” The normally phlegmatic Lucia spoke with conviction.
“Lucia… Oh it isn’t worth arguing over the unknown.”
“Momma I know. The Eshians are more then just a legend. They are those who have gone to be with the Grand Master."
“Lucia you are too weak to be debating the fate of forgotten dreams.”
Lucia with some effort wrapped her arms around her mother and held her tenderly.
“Father fought for us momma. He fought for our people. He died as he lived, selflessly.”
Her mother began to sob quietly, then the tears rushed in and like a crescendo of music she was weeping, then bawling, then howling. As she did the vision became brighter with more depth and resolution. The colors became vivid without blur; the mare was digesting her sorrow.
“I guess he can play in the gardens but…” She was cut off by a sudden heaviness in thought.
“Lucia, Alsalzar hide quickly!” Lucia with all the strength she could muster jogged to Alsalzar and took his hand.
“Come young one.”
“But Lucia…”
“No time! We must hide now!”
A foreboding voice interrupted the vision. It was full of sick syrupy glee.
“Too late family of Gosemis, you are ours.”
Then they saw it. They were surrounded. Hundreds upon hundreds of Night Mares were slithering in their shadowy forms toward Gosemis inn. There was no escaping it; his family was doomed. Bravely his mother stood her ground.
“I’ve been waiting for you Zantron, I knew this day would come.”
“Surrender your heart, and we will leave your body intact.”
“Like I told you last time Zantron you shall never have me.”
“I shall.”
“Never!” She spat at the Hordes surrounding her.”
“You are more foolish than your deceased husband.”
“Go ahead take my body, but you cant have my spirit.”
“Perhaps Quasepella can change your mind.”
“To Hell with Quasepella.”
“If I can’t have you than I’ll take your children.”
“Leave my children out of this Zantron.”
“Silence…” Zantron the leader of a squadron of mares slithered ever closer. She could no longer speak; she was choking on air.
“This will give me great pleasure.” The vision suddenly halted.
<Silverious, Silverious what’s going on>?
<My mother is in danger>.
<She is not defeated; she is strong>.
<Whatever they did I’ll have my revenge>.
Silverious rushed at the mare and seized it by the neck. “Tell me you fiend what happened to my mother? I’ll kill you with my bare hands you monster!”
“Kill me then Silverious son of Gosemis. Then you will never know that you should fear the powers of Zantron.” The vision returned.
There stood his mother choking on air. In haste the pain of all things wicked came upon her. A black energy circled her, and began to digest her flesh. Her very life force a blue aura that exists in every dream was being drained from out of her. Blood gushed from her sides as she was stabbed by blackness. Blue light radiated from her wounds. They could steal her body, they could corrupt her mind but they could not contain her Spirit. Zantron attempted to suck up her aura, but he failed. This was unprecedented; he could get nowhere near the light. At once her carcass burst into dazzling blue flames, and the light spiraled upwards towards the Heavens, the abode of the Grand Master.
Not a trace of her remained. For a moment there was a flicker of blue light in the place where she had combusted. Out of the light came a voice.
“My Children are forever blessed, and you shall never have them.” The light vanished.
“Find them! Ordered Zantron, his lips sweet with the taste of blood.
The vision ended. Silverious’s hands became hot like burning brimstone. “Your power is too great for me. The mare attempted to flee, but it could not. The mare disintegrated. Its black ashes littered the graveyard.
<Wow>…
“ I’ve never felt that kind of energy before.”
“Is it dead?”
“I think so, although I’m not really a killer.”
<Aww Silverious>. The two dreams embraced.
“What happened to your mother?” She whispered as Silverious held her in his arms.
“She’s gone…”
Versillies held Silverious tightly to her breast.
“I’m here for you.”
<I know>. For a moment they just stood there, joined together again in the morning light.
“Where are Alsalzar and Lucia?”
“ I have no idea.”
“There is still time.” Silverious’s ears pricked up. Hope there was hope. All was not lost. Versillies was brilliant in radiance and optimism.
“We should get back to Gosemis inn.”
“I’m with you Silverious. No matter the cost.” And for that he admired her all the more.
 

Nevermore

Senior Member
While the back and forth dialogue is very good, as well as the slow set up the stories universe, your introduction of names is very unclear, as is overall description. It feels as though you rely far too much on dialogue and vague description than complete set up.
 

josh.townley

Senior Member
I agree with Nevermore. The dialogue is good (although a bit much and a bit fast for me), but it seems like a very confusing point to be dropped into the story. I presume you've introduced each of the characters in earlier chapters, and described what the 'mares' are, etc. but those details were something I missed.
By the end I wasn't sure who was speaking, or what they were speaking about.
It does sound like an interesting story, though.
 

jonius

Senior Member
Yes there are a few opening details I left out, this segment begins at page seven. I just was trying to give a kind of demo of the pace and dialogue of the story. Perhaps I should have started at the beginning, as it would have made a lot more sense. I really really appreciate your comments! Thank you so much!
 

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