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Sanlitun (1 Viewer)

[FONT=&#23435]Again any comments appreciated....[/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]The taxi drops me off at the junction, bright neon lights and loud music assault my senses as I open the door, immediately three men on the pavement come towards me. The first guy beckons me into his bar,but I ignore him and walk past as the second and third reach me and do the same 'Colona, Budweiser, pretty girls,[/FONT][FONT=&#23435]‘ they say, ‘fuck off’ I think as I cross the road to the peace of the other side, turning back only to watch as they bark orders at bewildered foreign tourists. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435] I pick up a Tsingtao from the shop on the corner and neck it as I walk along. A family of foreigners pass me by and I turn away, embarrassedly, drinking on the street like some teenager or wino. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]I turn the corner onto Gongti, where groups of foreigners are sitting on the pavement eating kebabs and drinking beer. I turn right and enter Tongli Studios heading to a rock club I know.[/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435] I enter and approach the bar sitting down on one of the high stools and start talking to the bar man. He’s a friendly Italian and seems quite lost behind the bar, it turns out, he's, actually the guitarist and is just filling in tonight. His drummer is the other bar man and he’s engrossed in chatting up two Russian girls standing beside me. After about an hour I say goodbye to them and head back to the street. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]The heat hits me like a wall as I exit and I make my way to the kebab stand on the corner where an incredibly drunk black guy stands swaying from side to side finally falling backwards onto the taxi bonnet behind him then bouncing back up as if spring-loaded.I eat my kebabs then head to Poachers the bar next door.[/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]It's about 11.45 and the place is busy. There's a good mix of ages and races and lots of people are dancing. The actual bar area is brightly lit, but the rest of the place is dark and dingy like an old pirate’s tavern, and has a worn feel that could be tatty, but just now makes the place feel cosy. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]A girl in a Rastafarian hat dances beside me, I like her hat,for some reason a Chinese girl in a rasta hat makes me smile and I drunkenly pull it down over her face. Two hours later she asks me to go home with her, but by now I’m too far gone, and just slur some incomprehensible reply. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435]I dance alone on the crowded dance floor, enjoying the music. More and more people are dancing and some people have got up on the stage, the music is good and everybody is having a good time. Soon, however, I begin to feel the effects of the beer I’ve been drinking and it’ late anyway, so I decide to leave. I make my way out onto the street and grab a taxi collapsing headlong onto the back seat. We head back to the west side of town, each time we stop at traffic lights I will the taxi to go on, praying I can down the vomit in my belly until we stop.[/FONT]​
[FONT=&#23435] Finally we reach Fuchengmen and I climb out of the cab and wait just long enought for the driver to pull away before vomiting on the ground in front of McDonalds. Ronald McDonald looks on disapprovingly as a Chinese man sleeps with his head nestled in Ronald’s groin. That would make a great picture I think before I stumble home. [/FONT]​
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
first person annoys me and present tense sets my teeth on edge... so i guess i'm not the one to ask... ;-)

the main thing is, who's gonna want to read about what 'you' do, when 'you' really do nothing much but act stupid, thanks to being drunk?... who is the person speaking?... is this a personal journal or a story?... if the latter, where's the 'story'?
 
this is the kind of piece i like reading about myself. Stories of people where nothing actually happens but you can just immerse yourself in the atmosphere, describing things etc.. i enjoy writing stuff like that and enjoy reading stuff like that, i don't think something always necessarily 'has to happen, maybe i'm wrong. So yeah, nothing happens. I don't think your comments were constructive, just personal opinions really. If you have some constructive things to say rather than just glib put downs I'd be happy to hear them.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
they weren't 'glib put downs' at all... the questions were intended to make you think about what you are writing and what the reader will get out of it... that's called 'being helpful' even if you'd rather i had just blindly praised your work...
 
I'm sorry, I think you're tone sucks quite frankly. People are putting their work that they've thought about, deliberated, etc etc (and I'm not just talking about me) and it takes guts to put it online. Now, then for some self righteous person just to come along and say 'oh this is shit' effectively is low. I accept you maybe were trying to help, but there are ways of going about it, and yours isn't good. I'm happy for people to offer hints, tips etc. But I can't be bothered if people say something like you said, patronisingly....'I hate first person singular....this has nothing for me' so what, that at the end of the day is just your opinion and offers no help whatsoever. So I'd be happy if you didn't reply to any of my other posts in the future, if you're posts are going to be like your original ones. Jeez, I'd never have posted my stuff online if I knew what some people were like. I think I've probably learned the most important lesson already, beware of other writers and their egos!!
 
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