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Sanibel (1 Viewer)

zbrown210

Senior Member
Through nature's canopy they strolled
Piercing Ray's of light infiltrating the
overcast green above
Hand in hand along the boarded walk they
ambled
Nature's song ringing in sweet harmony
to their mellow voices
They talked of past and future alike
Two worlds merging into one
Clappity clap, t'was the sound of their feet
upon the board's
Together they mingled, slowly becoming
one
Like the sounds mingling together to form
one existence
So did their souls
Mingle they must
As their hearts were shaped into one

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like about this most, is the way in which the speaker captures the natural and entwines that with what seems to be a love story. If you read this at face value you do well to present and set the scene for a couple coming together. For me I think there is more to read into the piece, but I haven’t quite got there yet.

If I had to make an suggestions, I would like this broken into stanzas predominantly for the visuals, but also to side the reader. It can feel a little bunched otherwise.

I don’t want to assume anything but is Piercing Ray a person or a typo? If the later you don’t need the apostrophe or the capitals it’s just rays.

Finally I find Clappity clap almost comedic and I think it detracts from what is otherwise a serious and affecting piece.

Overall I look forward to seeing how this develops

Cheers

Syd
 

zbrown210

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like about this most, is the way in which the speaker captures the natural and entwines that with what seems to be a love story. If you read this at face value you do well to present and set the scene for a couple coming together. For me I think there is more to read into the piece, but I haven’t quite got there yet.

If I had to make an suggestions, I would like this broken into stanzas predominantly for the visuals, but also to side the reader. It can feel a little bunched otherwise.

I don’t want to assume anything but is Piercing Ray a person or a typo? If the later you don’t need the apostrophe or the capitals it’s just rays.

Finally I find Clappity clap almost comedic and I think it detracts from what is otherwise a serious and affecting piece.

Overall I look forward to seeing how this develops

Cheers

Syd
Yes it was a typo it was supposed to be rays

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

zbrown210

Senior Member
(1)Through nature's canopy they strolled



(2)Piercing rays of light infiltrating the

overcast green above



(3)Hand in hand along the boarded walk they

ambled



(4)Nature's song ringing in sweet harmony

to their mellow voices



(5)They talked of past and future alike



(6)Two worlds merging into one



(7)Clappity clap, t'was the sound of their feet

upon the board's



(8)Together they mingled, slowly becoming

one



(9)Like the sounds mingling together to form

one existence



(10)So did their souls



(11)Mingle they must



(12)As their hearts were shaped into one





Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Beautiful imagery.
I would say to break this up into 2 or 3 stanzas to help give a break between the different concepts touched on throughout.
Thank you so much for sharing.

-Annie
 

zbrown210

Senior Member
Sanibel

Through nature's canopy they strolled.
Piercing rays of light infiltrating the
overcast green above.
Hand in hand along the boarded walk they
ambled.
Nature's song ringing in sweet harmony
to their mellow voices.

---‐-------------------------------------------------------------

They talked of past and future alike.
Two worlds merging into one.
Clappity clap, t'was the sound of their feet
upon the board's.

‐------------------------------------------------------------------

Together they mingled, slowly becoming
one.
Like the sounds mingling together to form
one existence.
So did their souls.
Mingle they must.
As their hearts were shaped into one.
 
Through nature's canopy they strolled
Piercing Ray's of light infiltrating the
overcast green above
Hand in hand along the boarded walk they
ambled
Nature's song ringing in sweet harmony
to their mellow voices
They talked of past and future alike
Two worlds merging into one
Clappity clap, t'was the sound of their feet
upon the board's
Together they mingled, slowly becoming
one
Like the sounds mingling together to form
one existence
So did their souls
Mingle they must
As their hearts were shaped into one

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
I really enjoy this piece. The imagery really draws me into the love story. Thank you for sharing!
 
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