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Sand through my fingers (1 Viewer)

I love you.
I was looking at the wallpaper
And I just had to tell you that...
I think we have too
Much responsibility to
Pick and choose
Who we love.
Love asks us to be better people
And sometimes we refuse to be.
We stay stagnant and clutching.
And I don’t know if I should let you go.
I don’t know if I want to be better.

But our hands hold on to things
So tenderly and so tightly,
Clinging so desperately at
Sands slipping through our fingers;
Whispering just a few more minutes,
Maybe just a few more days.
So things can stay just like this
for just a little bit longer.
So maybe we can sit and breathe
And live. For a little while longer.
Before we let them go.
And I don’t know if
I can let you go just yet.

(I didn’t have a title for this poem so I don’t mind suggestions haha)
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I think where you really start to make headway with this piece is in your second stanza, the first for me feels like you're telling the reader or the object of the piece, rather them actually being able to feel it, it’s a trap that we all fall into, but for this piece to really zing and for you to connect with your readership they need to feel what you are writing rather than see it, does that make sense?

The central concept that sand slipping through fingers is where I really think you can make head way? How does this feel to the author and how do you transfer what the author is feeling to the reader? That’s what I would focus on.

Hope this helps you

Cheers

Syd
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Some of the lines in S1, e.g. Stagnant and clutching are visually evocative, but the voice and heart of the piece rest in S2. Remove the but on S2,L1 and start from there. Read aloud. Consider what you hear. Is the explanatory context of S1 truly required, when the context of S2 does enough to imply one's tendency to cling to what we know, even when it is not good for us. Another possibility, try reading the piece with S1, L10 first then segue directly into S2. Consider what you hear?

- D.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I love you.
I was looking at the wallpaper
And I just had to tell you that...
I think we have too
Much responsibility to
Pick and choose
Who we love.
Love asks us to be better people
And sometimes we refuse to be.
We stay stagnant and clutching.
And I don’t know if I should let you go.
I don’t know if I want to be better.

But our hands hold on to things
So tenderly and so tightly,
Clinging so desperately at
Sands slipping through our fingers;
Whispering just a few more minutes,
Maybe just a few more days.
So things can stay just like this
for just a little bit longer.
So maybe we can sit and breathe
And live. For a little while longer.
Before we let them go.
And I don’t know if
I can let you go just yet.

(I didn’t have a title for this poem so I don’t mind suggestions haha)

You have been given some excellent critique and I hope you revise this poetic gem, polish it and let it shine... This has a dark vibe, which I love... last 2 lines in the first stanza... awesome... do not lose them! lol.... You have a cool poetic voice and you have a unique way of expressing your emotions... thanks for sharing ;)
 
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