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Sacriligious Comedy (1 Viewer)

This is a scene of a comedy based roughly on the Passion of the Christ. This is my first try at playwriting, and at comedy, for the most part, so whatever.

Disclaimer: This work may be considered highly offensive to religious types. Be assured I am going to hell for writing this.

EXT. GARDEN OF GESTHEMANE NIGHT
JESUS kneels on the ground, surrounded by snoring men.

JESUS

(looking up)

Oh father, if it would that it

were that this cup wouldst
passeneth fromst me.

Enter GOD, as a ray of light from a yonder cloud.

GOD

Sorry kid, but you and this

“cup,” as you call it, are on
a no-time-to-run, piss-your-
pants-and-die collision course.

JESUS


(flabbergasted)

Are you in fact my father?
Who art thou? Who wouldst I
sayest that thou artst?

GOD


(matter-of
factly)

I am.

JESUS

You am? Who am you?

GOD

I am that I am.

JESUS

You am that you are?

GOD

I am Sam. Sam I am.

JESUS

Nay, I say unto thee, I know

thy name; thou beest Satan,


foul deceiver of the brethren.

GOD

Satan I am? No, I don’t think
so. Oh, here’s that cup you
were talking about.

An oversized jock strap flies down from outer space in a bright flash, beaning Jesus in the head.

JESUS

Christ! I mean, me! Myself!

God is no longer present. Jesus begins stomping around his sleeping companions.

JESUS

(to PETER)

Peter, for God’s sake, wake
up!

PETER

What is it, master?

JESUS

The time of reckoning is at

hand!
(he looks off
in a dazed
stupor)

PETER

Reckoning?
(in southern
drawl)

Well, I don’t reckon...

JESUS

(pushing him
aside)

There’s no time for that man!
This very night, as foretold
to thee and thy brethren, Judas
has gone hence from us, and
sold the son of man to the

Romans for 30 pieces of silver.
(he collapses
to the ground,
sobbing)

PETER

Cool it man! Slow down! Who’s
that son of man you’re always
talking about, anyway?

JESUS

Fool! Have you heard nothing
I’ve hence said in our travels,
from the day we come up out of
Galilee?

PETER

To be honest man, I don’t know
what you’re talking about half
the time, what between the old
English and the Aramaic...


JESUS

I am the son of man! I am he!

PETER


Oh! So you are the son of man!
Wow, the last 3 years make
so much more sense now!
So Judas sold you for 30

pieces of silver! That bastard!

Even Mary Magdelene charges
more than that! Where is that
Iscariot, I’ll kick his ass!


JESUS

No, Peter, the son of man must
take this cup, or no man may
be saved.

PETER

So... you must take a cup? So
what does that have to do with
me?

JESUS

Be alert! Keep fast. Keep on
keeping on, for verily I say
unto thee, you will deny me
not once, not twice, but thrice
before the cock crows!

PETER

Hold on! You tell me to be
steadfast, then tell me I’m
going to fail and I can’t help
it? That sucks! Where’s my
incentive to try?

JESUS

Do not lose heart, Peter.

PETER

Don’t gimme that! This is
messed up! I might as well
just lie here and sleep, if
there’s nothing I can do to
help, and I’m going to fail
you anyway.

JESUS

You cannot sleep. Even now,
harken to the sound of foot
soldiers nearing us!

A huge group of Roman legionnaires enters the garden clearing. Leading are a Roman COMMANDER and JUDAS in drag at his side.

COMMANDER

Where is the one called Jesus?

JESUS

I am he.

The other DISCIPLES including LUKE awaken at the noise and gather about Jesus.

COMMANDER

Do what you will, Judas

JUDAS

(shyly kisses
Jesus’ cheek,
leaving lip-
stick)

JESUS

(wiping cheek)
There, now take me away, I go
willingly.

DISCIPLES

(scrambling)

No Lord, no!

Peter pulls his sword from its sheath and proceeds to neatly slice off the ear of the commander.

COMMANDER

Curses be to you! That was my
favorite ear!

JESUS

(picking up
the ear)

Peace be with you. For look,

I make all things new.
(places ear
back on
commander’s
head)

The Roman soldiers murmur with astonishment.

COMMANDER

Truly a God you must be. But my
orders are strict. You must come

with us.


LUKE

That was nothing, you should see
this got-your-nose thing he does!
C’mon Jesus, show him!

JESUS

(looking away)

Not now, Luke.
(to all)

Goodbye, friends.

Exit soldiers and Judas with Jesus. Peter flees into the night. The other disciples look around, shrug their shoulders, and go back to sleep.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
you mention 'playwriting' but this is in screenplay, not stage play format...if it is meant to be a play, you'll have to make some changes...

spelling needs work [it's 'gethsemane'... and 'beast'] and so does your idea of biblical verb forms... for instance, there are no such words as 'passeneth' or ' fromst'...

it's not to my taste in re humor, so i'll pass on assessing the content...

hugs, maia
 

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