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ruined (1 Viewer)

tracej89

Member
Silent screams into hands meant to muffle the imagined sounds

Desperation to break from the constraints I have put on myself

Bound to me with knots I do not know how to untie

Tethered to self-destruction with steel wire

I am the bad guy here.

I have ruined

I am ruined
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I enjoyed about this piece is the way in which it connects me as the reader to the speaker, you don’t hide the emotion through allusion, instead you present it to the reader in its raw form.

This being said the piece lacks motive, I as a reader want to know what creates the emotions of the speaker, I’m being told what they feel rather than being shown. I would find it easier to connect if I can buy into the piece through shared experience and for that to happen you need to do more than show me a series of disparate images.

You definitely have something to work with here, it just needs time to take what feels like raw emotion and craft it into something more.

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Silent screams into hands meant to muffle
the imagined sounds


Desperation to break from the constraints
I have put on myself


Bound to me with knots
I do not know how to untie


Tethered to self-destruction with steel wire

I am the bad guy here.

I have ruined

I am ruined

I played around with some of the line breaks, can you see how the line breaks, makes your reader pause? That may not be how you want this to flow, but it is sometimes fun to play with ;)

I like the tone of desperation and despair, and your imagery enforces that vibe, but for me, this poem does not feel finished, but that is just me, I always want some kind of resolution, and sometimes, life denies us that tiny comfort... I enjoyed reading your work...

Welcome, tracej89... to the fabulous Poet's Showcase ;)
 

tracej89

Member
looking at it now in the light of day i would probably change the line breaks as well. This piece was done out of desperation that i did (maybe still do not} see and end to. so i didn't want to gift myself a resolution. i wanted whoever to read it to be wanting just a little bit more because that is what i felt while writing it However now that it isnt 2 am i can see some flaws this is actually the first piece i have written since high school(10 years). and i have to say it felt great this was my true passion when i was growing up and i abandoned it for foolish things. Thanks for the feedback!!
 
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stony

Senior Member
To echo the others, I'm definitely looking for more here. But that's a good thing. You have me curious and wanting to read on to find out what brought you to this state.
 
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