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Reunion. **Content warning for Adult Themes** (1 Viewer)

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Reunion Revision One

You respond to my touch, as I trace
the rise and fall of your breast, your
arched back, a trail to beauty spots remembered.
Fingers clumsily feel their way along your sternum.
Goosebumps rise like Braille, to tell the story
of a time when my touch wasn’t tentative or clumsy,
instead confident, firm, it could bring about swift
conclusions. But for now, we will settle for reunions.

Reunion


You turn to meet my touch, I trace
the rise and fall of your breast, your
back arched, it tells me which trail to
follow, I seek out beauty spots remembered,
your moans telling me that I have lost my way.
I turn back, fingers clumsily feeling their way
along the ridge of your sternum. Goosebumps
rise on your skin like Braille, they tell the story
of a time when my touch wasn’t so tentative
so clumsy, a time when it was confident
when it could bring about a swift conclusion.
For now, they will settle for reunion.
 
Last edited:

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
It's a sensual poem, Syd.
However, I think there are many telling parts, too much "I" in there. I've been editing inline below. You don't have to do what I say of course, they are only suggestions :)




Reunion


You turn to meet my touch, I trace
the rise and fall of your breast, your
back arched, it tells me which a trail to <-- swap "back" and "arched"
follow, I seek out beauty spots remembered,
your moans telling me that say: I have you lost my your way.
I turn back, fingers clumsily feeling their way
along the ridge of your sternum. Goosebumps
rise on your skin like Braille, they tell the story
of a time when my touch wasn’t so tentative
so clumsy, a time when it was confident
when it could bring about a swift conclusion.
For now, they will settle for reunion.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
It's a sensual poem, Syd.
However, I think there are many telling parts, too much "I" in there. I've been editing inline below. You don't have to do what I say of course, they are only suggestions :)

Hello,

Thank you so much for taking the time, I totally agree on the use of, “I,” for some reason if you where to look at the first draft of this, I’m now on draft three, I’ve actually added a lot of the Is in rather than kept them out, so thank you for pointing out that I don’t need them and they make the piece weaker for it. I’ll be back with a revision, really like your suggestions so you’ve given me a direction to go.

Cheers

Syd
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
I personally liked the “I’s” in the first draft. But my own issues with “I” and “you” is well documented.

Having said that, I like this piece. It is definitely full of yearning and imagery that is at times as sad as it is sensual.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Syd
I too liked the first draft. Turn in place of respond, was giving more poetic effect. Respond is sounding more technical. Your arched back, which trail to follow, goes well than the previous one... It tells me... . Goosebumps rise like Braille excellent line. The complete piece is awesome.
Keep writing. Good luck.
Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello all,

Thank you so much, I’m considering another revision which incorporates what’s good about both drafts, I’m so glad you picked up on the sadness in the piece, it’s something that I wasn’t sure came across as clearly as I wanted it to.

Cheers

Syd
 

CJL4307

Senior Member
I really like the way this has come together. A beautiful piece and an intimate look at life both sensual and melancholy. I would love if you did a third revision that ties in more elements to hint at the "reunion" element of this.
 
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