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Rest Your Fluttering Wings (1 Viewer)

CJL4307

Senior Member
(Revision # 1)


A rustled plume does not befit,
Nor downward stare and broken chirp.
Each spoken syllable became a cage,
Turned to key with change of word.

Flutter, fly to dizzying heights,
Dazzling with your refined song.
Melody for the malody of your heart,
Maladies of mine, restored.

To fartherst reach your song has come.
Echoes prove with distant note.
Soar as far as you need,
Though stay shorter than I hope.

With end of day respite remains.
A perch has become my heart.
In all seasons waiting for your lively song.
Rest and stay, fluttering wings.


(Original)

Flutter your fine feathers,
Flutter and fly away.
My words became a cage where you did not belong,
They will also become a key.

Flutter and fly away.
Sing at dizzying heights,
Melodies for the malodies of your heart.
Their tune a sweet salve for mine.

To fartherst reach your song has come.
Echoes prove with distant note.
Soar as far as you need,
Though stay shorter than I hope.

With end of day respite remains.
A perch has become my heart.
In all seasons waiting for your lively song.
Rest and stay, fluttering wings.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is an interesting piece, with some great moments of imagery throughout, I especially appreciate, “melodies for the maladies,” and, “echoes prove with distant note.”

This being said, I feel that the repetition of fluttering and flutter, becomes over utilised throughout the piece giving and creating what feels like the refrain of a pop song rather than poetry. That may well be a personal opinion but I feel that it pulls the piece away from feeling poetic.

For me, I feel like where I would work on this piece would be to review the cadence and flow of the lines and lineation.

Hope this helps, really looking forward to seeing where this piece goes

Cheers

Syd
 

CJL4307

Senior Member
Hi Syd,

Thank you for your careful thoughts. I am glad you enjoyed some of the imagery. I totally agree that the cadence needs some work. Something is off between the first two stanzas and the second half. I will tweak it and repost when it is more polished.
 
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