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Raw (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The clay was so raw,
so fresh for any purpose.
The mould was made of cyanide,
and it produced so many,
for death to progress.
Innocence to adore death,
innocence to explore death.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Again I’m enjoying the pared back and raw nature of the piece, the writer is presenting a stark and blunt image to the reader which leaves them with the direct image of what the writer wants them to see. That being said I can’t help but think there are opportunities to develop these images, building upon them to really give the reader a sense of how the clay felt, how the cyanide tasted and why these innocents wanted to explore death.

Currently you have a series of images, you could expand them and create a series of images accompanied by the emotion/ the feeling that provoked the writer to document them.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

Again I’m enjoying the pared back and raw nature of the piece, the writer is presenting a stark and blunt image to the reader which leaves them with the direct image of what the writer wants them to see. That being said I can’t help but think there are opportunities to develop these images, building upon them to really give the reader a sense of how the clay felt, how the cyanide tasted and why these innocents wanted to explore death.

Currently you have a series of images, you could expand them and create a series of images accompanied by the emotion/ the feeling that provoked the writer to document them.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd

Thanks Syd.
I can't deny I am enjoying this concise writing too.
Good luck

Ritu
 
Last edited:

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I don't know what it is, but those last two lines sounded amazing.
I like how normally people would see it as adoring life, or exploring life and you twisted it. Lovely.

-Annie
 
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