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Ravina mystery! (1 Viewer)

Super00141

Senior Member
Hey! Ok so, this script is kinda finished. Stage direction isn't done yet, but I'm going to figure that out later when I find out what's actually possible to do on our small stage. Right now I'm just interested if the story sounds good at all, if the dialogue sounds natural any plot holes i need to fix? Just basic stuff like that. This is my first actual script i wrote, and like many other people, I'm fairly critical of my own work and think it's worse than it actually is... I can't rely on friends or family for a real critique, as they are very supportive. So i have come to ask you guys what you think! This is for a grade 10 play, so it won't be great, but please be harsh!



Ravina



Short monologue to begin play:


Narrator: 1966, (sighs) It was the year when these grisly murders occurred in Hanuda, a small village in the middle of the mountains. Years after, word got out and the whole world knew. Thirty three murders happened that night. Legend has it that one deranged man, carrying a sword and several guns slaughtered all 33 villagers one by one. The village was completely annihilated in only one night. After that night, the village was a ghost town for years until it finally disappeared during a landslide six years later. Something strange is that the village was never on any map, it was almost as if it never existed. It wasn't until 13 years after the incident that a hiker came across the rubble. Old documents and scriptures were found amongst the degree. They were fascinating really, they told of an ancient religion, human sacrifices, and curses. Later that year the rubble was removed and a small village called Ravina was built in its place. Now, its a peaceful, small village.


Brad Zachalnd: My name is Brad Zachland. My wife and I moved from New York to a small town called Ravina. Our kids are finally out of the house and we wanted to move somewhere quiet. We no longer needed to be in the big city. My wife is a writer, she writes mystery novels. Her newest book is about this town's history… well, the town that used to be here. And me, I left my job as a psychiatrist. And just got a new job here as a cop.


Brad gets called down to a hostage negotiation. Siren sound.


Chief: Good, you're here.


Brad: yeah you called me down? What's going on here?


Chief: Theres 2 hostages in there, I'm getting you to get them out.


Brad: Alone?


Chief: Yes, But don't worry, we will be waiting outside in case anything happens, you got your vest on don't you?


Brad: Yes but-


Chief: get in there, you're loosing time!


*Door opens*


Brad: He-hello?


???: Who's there!?!


Brad: I'm officer Zachland, who are you?


???: What does it matter?


Brad: I have to call you something.


???: Are you alone?


Brad: Yes.


???: Call me… David.


Brad: Alright David, Why are you doing this?


David: Why?… Let me ask you this Brad, why are you here?


Brad: I'm here because I want to get everyone here out safely, that includes you David.


David: Wrong, you're here because it's your job! You were ordered to come in here so you did. If you were an innocent bystander would you have just walked in and tried to "save everyone?"


Brad: I may have if i had the proper traini-


David: Don't make excuses for yourself. You're here because you have to. And so am I.


Brad: What do you mean?


David: Do you believe in fate Brad?


Brad: Fate? Not really. I believe we make our own fate.


David: We make our… hahaha. We are all part of a loop brad, a game. And history has a funny way of repeating itself.


Brad: What do you mean?


David: Every 7 years, we must make one sacrifice so that our world can exist. No one believes me but look, the world hasn't ended yet, because I made it continue!


Brad: David, have you gone nuts?


David: I knew it you too, you're just like EM. Your buddies outside are probably laughing at me right now!


Brad: Hey, i didn't mean anything. No ones laughing at you. I'm here to help you.


David: I don't need any help! Do you know what it does you Brad? When your beliefs are mocked and ridiculed. When everyone thinks your crazy?


Brad: You think its ok to kill people? You need help David!


David: Don't you play innocent with me Brad, I've been playing that game for years. We are here for the same reason.


Brad: I'm here cause it's my job.


David: Don't kid yourself Brad, You and i are the same.


Brad: I'm not like you, I don't kill people because of some old books.


David: I must complete the circle, Please understand Brad.


David holds the gun to one of the hostages' heads. Brad pulls out his gun.


Brad: No, David! Put your gun down!


*BOOM*




**Brad had shot David just before he killed a hostage. Brad is shocked and can't believe what he has done. Lights fade black as Brad looks horrified of what he has done. ***
***Brad arrives back home that night. A bit depressed about him killing someone earlier that day. His wife Nicole just made dinner***




Brad: I'm home!


Nicole: Hey honey, supper is almost ready. Catch any bad guys Mr officer?


Brad: Not well, I actually killed someone today…


Nicole: Oh no!


Brad: there was nothing else I could do, but I was too late… He killed the hostage just before I got a shot at him.


Nicole: Well, you did the right thing. Tell you what, since you had such a hard day, how about tomorrow I make you your favorite dish?


Brad: Sure sounds good, but i think I'm going to go for a walk. I need to clear my mind.


Nicole: But, what about supper?


Brad: Ill eat it when I come home, I won't be long.




***Lights fade as Brad leaves the stage.***
*** Brad is going out on a walk in the woods, he notices something sparkle in the side of his eye***


Brad: this feeling is awful. I've seen countless bodies on the news, In movies and pictures in the paper. But actually watching someone die? It's very different. Shooting someone isn't like in the movies or games. They don't just drop dead. They they bleed, a lot. And struggle to hold on for dear life. You watch the light leave their eyes…


Brad: huh? What's this? Some sort of jewelry? It looks so old...


*** Brad pulls on the necklace and he uncovers a body. The Body is buried so it's not shown. ***


Brad: What the hell!?! It's a body? The bones are brittle, and there's no meat on them. It must be a hundred years old!


*** Brad takes the necklace, walks off stage and lights fade***


*** a week later, after Brad takes a week off, he returns to work.***


Chief: Brad, could you come into my office?


Brad: Yeah.


Chief: You did good last week.


Brad: Thanks, I've been getting that a lot. But I'm not too proud of what I did.


Chief: You should be! That's why I don't think you're right for your current position. I'm going to promote you. You handled a stressful situation well, and that's why I want you to solve the next case. While you were away we have had a couple murders. I'm sure you've heard about them, they've been all over the news.


Brad: Sorry to say i haven't, I've been dealing with allot lately. But things just get better and better lately.


Chief: Good, now then. We believe this series of murders are linked to the man you killed a week ago. Maybe its revenge or something.


Brad: Why do you think its linked to him?


Chief: It started right after he died. Nothing else has really happened that's significant… But don't blame yourself, you did what you had to do.


Brad: hmm…. So what do I do now? How do I start this?


Chief: You should start off by going over the evidence. But it's pretty clean. Not much to go on.


Brad: Ok, I'll go do that then.




*** Brad walks out of the room, lights fade.***
*** Brad is now back at home***


Brad: I'm home!


Nicole: Oh good! How was your day?


Brad: I saw another body today. Ugh, the smell was horrible. They said I will get used to it, but I don't see how that's possible.


Nicole: Oh no! Who died?


Brad: It was Chris, the mail guy.


Nicole: Oh no! His wife must be so heart broken. They were going through such a hard time… We should pay her a visit. I'll make a cake!


Brad: No use, she's gone.


Nicole: Oh no, her too?


Brad: No, not like that. I mean she's gone. Disappeared. The car is missing, valuables are gone.


Nicole: Perhaps she got robbed and went to go get help, or maybe the guy who killed Chris also kidnapped her!


Brad: Unlikely, I drew up some bank records, to see we're here card was last used. Maybe then we could find here.


Nicole: Did you find anything?


Brad: Yeah, She apparently bought a trip to Monaco. A trip for one. We called to make sure, they said her departure was at 7am. Just a few hours after Chris was presumed dead.


Nicole: What are you saying?


Brad: All i know is Chris is dead, his wife left the country and if she did kill him, if she was the murderer, she's gone now. These murders are done and it's a closed case. But we gotta wait a week or so before we can officially close it.


Nicole: Have you tried her phone?


Brad: Yeah, we tried every way we could think of to get a hold of her. No answer.


Nicole: Well, dinner is about to burn i better take it out.


***Brad looks at his phone***


Brad: Sorry, I have to go out again. The boss just messaged me.


Nicole: Wait! I had a feeling you would have to go out again. Here take this.


***Nicole hands Brad a glass***


Brad: What's this?


Nicole: Its a breakfast smoothie I made for tomorrow, but you'll need the energy.


Brad: Thanks.


***Brad leaves the room, lights fade***
***Lights go back up***
***Brad is looking at his necklace at the office***

Brad: Ever since I found this thing, my luck has been going great! Why can't it help me solve this case!… hrm…. I wonder what this symbol means.


***Brad looks up the symbols on the computer***


Brad: Here it is, The Cult of Hanuda. This cult was religiously crooked, and resided in the village of Hanuda located in the middle of the mountains. 33 murders took place in the small village during the war. The village was annihilated in one night. Since then the village has become a ghost town. But the village was lost in a landslide in 1776. You can no longer find the village on the map, the land from the village was merged with its neighboring village Ravina…


The god this cult worshiped is not named, but it's described as a satanic like creature. The creature was powerful. And so it was considered a god. The god desires pain and misery, but in exchange. Would give those that died for him everlasting paradise.


Blah blah blah… Here we go, the symbol. The symbols represent happiness, and despair. So, this symbol is supposed to bring luck i guess. But what does it mean by despair? Could this have something to do with all the murders?


***Brad drinks from cup***


Ugh… long day… why am i so tired?… What was in that-


***Brad falls asleep on desk***
***Lights fade***
***Lights come back up***
***Brad is laying on the floor in an unfamiliar location***


Brad: Ugh… Where am I? What is this place? What's that smell, alcohol?


***Cell rings***


Chief: Brad? Finally you answer. Where the hell are you? I've tried your cell a hundred times! Get down to Portly road ASAP!


Brad: I'm on my way.


***Lights fade, brad walks off***
***Lights come back on, Brad walks in***


Chief: Brad, there you are. You look like hell!


Brad: Sorry, I don't know what happened last night. I got here as avast as I could, what happened?


Chief: John died!


Brad: Really? John? He was my partner.


Chief: It's probably the same person who's been killing everyone lately!


Brad: I thought the murderer was Chris' wife?


Chief: Nope, we found her body this morning.


Brad: Then who took the flight?


Chief: She never got on, the flight departed but she was not on it. I thought you were perfect for this job. But I guess I was wrong.


Brad: No I can do this, He has killed close family friend, Chris, his wife, and now John!


Chief: John was a great cop. You knew him for a couple months, I've known him for 7 damn years!


Brad: I know, I feel bad about this too. I'm going to do everything in my power to catch this guy!


Chief: You got one week to catch this guy, I think he will be coming for you next.


Brad: I have that feeling too….


*** Lights fade while brad exits stage***
***Light light back up, Brad is now at home***


Nicole: So, you decided to come back?


Brad: Yeah, sorry. Got called out on a case.


Nicole: Yeah I bet you did. Why didn't you come home last night?


Brad: I was in the office then I… I passed out I guess. I was exhausted. Then I woke up in the-


Nicole: *Sniff Sniff* What's that? *Sniff* Is that- *Sniff* alcohol? Were you drinking on the job Brad?


Brad: What? No, never! I had this smell when i woke up today.


Nicole: Where were you last night brad?


Brad: I was… at work, I fell asleep at my desk.


Nicole: Fell asleep huh? So, what's with the smell?


Brad: I don't know!


Nicole: Who is she?


Brad: What? You think i would cheat on you? I would never cheat on you!


Nicole: Oh sure, that explains it. The late nights, "I'm at the office" I should have known front his start.


Brad: Honey, calm down. I didn't-


*Slap*


Nicole: Don't touch me! Who was it! It was that boss of yours wasn't it?


Brad: The chief? No way, I wound never-


Nicole: Yeah it was! Calling thou down to the office late at night, you never come home. Now i smell alcohol on you? OOOHHH I could just kill her!


Brad: Don't talk like that!


Nicole: So now you're defending her?


Brad: No I-


Nicole: You what?


Brad: I-


Nicole: You know what? I'm calling the lawyers tomorrow, We are getting a divorce! You can sleep on the couch tonight!


Brad: Come on, don't be like this! You know I would never do such a thing!


Nicole: Get away from me. I don't want to see you until we sign the papers!


Brad: But-


***Doors slam, lights fade, the lights come back up***
***Brad is laying on couch***

Brad: What a day…. We really need a soft couch… Hmm… Maybe Chris' wife did kill him. She was really angry, perhaps she just snapped. Just like mine did tonight… No, Nicole would never hurt anyone, she's too nice of a person…. But maybe they were working together? With me always gone, and Chris out of the picture. They could do almost anything and no one would be the wiser. They spent allot of time alone together. They could have planned it… Could Nicole have drugged that smoothly? Made me pass out so she could get away with another murder? Now this is crazy, there's no way! I've known my wife for years. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow.


*** Lights fade***
***Lights come back on***


Brad: What's that smell? Bacon? She must have realized she over reacted last night. Smells a bit burnt though.


*walks into kitchen*


Brad: aw, she left the burner on. Nicole? Nicole? Where are you? Nicole, I think you may have left the bacon on a bit too long hah.


***Brad walks into the next room, where his wifes body lays***


Brad: Nicole? Nicole?!?! Are you ok? What happened?


***Brad rolls the body over***


Brad: Oh no, she's dead… Wait, the security cameras. They must have caught the murderer! I have to find out who before he kills me! But wait, why didn't the killer kill me, is he still in the house?


***Lights fade, Brad is at his desk when the lights come back one***


Brad: Ok, ok, ummmm, here it is. April 27th, fast forward a bit… wait, that's it! But, wait…. What? That's just me sleep walking again. Is that why the killer couldn't find me? Where did I go? Ok there Nicole, and…. No… It can't be…. I- I'm the killer? What the hell is that? Something glowing… Is that the neckless? What the hell? This stupid necklace! That's what's been causing all this! It gave me great luck, but it also brought despair… that's what they meant… But how can I stop this? During the day it gives me luck, and at night it makes me a killer. That's why I couldn't find the killer, that's why he didn't kill me! How can I get rid of this? I gotta hide it, we ere no one will find it… in the woods… all things come to a full circle.


***Sirens are heard outside of Brads door****
 

vangoghsear

WF Veteran
WF Veterans
RobertS made some really good points.

Since you came for constructive criticism, I'll offer some points as well.

First: You have written in a lot of location changes for a play, especially a one act. How do you envision this being accomplished? Backdrops, scenery changes, revolving stage or set pieces, multiple set locations on the stage, projected scenery or lighting effects? All doable options, certainly not inclusive of all options. It is not necessary for you to decide which way it will be produced, but you should know how it could be produced.

Second: This is drama, not reality. Feel free to do things that may not happen in reality, such as bringing back your dead guy "David" for instance.

Third: Use lighting dramatically.

Combining my comments, the cabin exterior, say a door and roof are your exterior woods location where he goes for his walk and discovers the body. The door can be closed off with police tape when he returns. The audience then knows that he is in the mysterious area. The lights could be dim when he arrives, there could be a flash of lightning (a bright light aimed at the audience to momentarily blind them) then a blackout, then the lights could slowly rise revealing the Dead David (white makeup and bloody) standing behind Brad unseen by Brad, but visible to the audience and saying comments that influence his movements, like:

DAVID - Do you believe in fate now, Brad?

(BRAD looks around as if he may have heard something, but sees nothing.)

DAVID - I know why you've come. Not because it's your job this time, is it?

(BRAD starts to walk away from DAVID)

DAVID - It's not that way.

(DAVID walks across stage from where BRAD is and points down.)

DAVID - The body is here.

(BRAD stops walking and stands still.)

DAVID - It's not coming to you Brad. It's here. Come to it.

(BRAD stands still.)

DAVID - (loud) - Come to it!

(BRAD turns and wlaks to where DAVID is pointing)

BRAD - What is that?

DAVID - Yes, you see it now. The dead body. The dry, brittle bones...you're wondering: "are human or an animal's." Oh, they're human alright. But it's not the body you're here for.

(BRAD bends down and picks up a necklace.)

BRAD - Jewelery?

I'm not sure how well this style fits your intentions. I just wanted to show you that you can be a bit supernatural in drama. Have fun with it. You are the creator of their universe.
 
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