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Raindrops on the Roof (1 Viewer)

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Joseph Anderson

Senior Member
Wasn't sure where to put this, but I hope you guys enjoy!
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Raindrops of the Roof
I awoke to the sound of raindrops on the roof. The resounding patter was almost like pebbles being shaken around in a can, but, in the stillness of the midnight air, it sounded like the heavens had composed a song of praise just for me. Distant rumbles of thunder rolled through the clouds and the window above my bed glittered as the petite crystal meteors of water flew down from the dark blanket of the heavens.
Though the tap of the rain was seemingly random, in a pleasant stupor, I managed to locate a faint rhythm: slow, deliberate, and leisurely, like the beating of a heart. It was comforting. That simple drumming seemed to be the only point of constancy in a world of variables, and I had a duty to savor every moment of it. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe. Everything was too perfect. My body felt like a fossil, set in stone, not by the passing of the ages but by a spell of utter contentment. Only my eyes moved.
Inevitably, they drifted over to the nude feminine figure next to me. As she quietly lay on her side, the bleached moonlight streamed through the window. Refracted by the sheets of water, it playfully shimmered and danced upon her sleeping body. My eyes slid down her diamond face, delicate lips, pristine cascades of raven hair, and taut flat belly. Her full breasts tenderly quivered as the curves of her form rose and fell with her tranquil breathing. Next to me, in the darkness, an angelic symphony of flawless beauty lay dreaming.
A strange wave of unadulterated emotion surged through me. What emotions they were, I couldn’t tell, but they made my extremities tingle the corners of my mouth turn up in a gentle smile. I turned over and brushed my lips against her smooth cheek, my senses drinking in the sweet ambrosia of her essence. She only barely stirred. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her in close and rested my chin atop her head. I felt, more than heard, the steady drumbeat of her heart. My eyelids lazily slid down as I drifted off to sleep, listening to that sound, in perfect synchronization with the sound of the raindrops outside.
 

TMarie

Senior Member
So this is what goes through a man's head upon waking and watching his girl sleep ... have always been curious about that, so thanks.

I found the first paragraph to be just words, and not exactly coming from your heart. As you continued to write though, I started to feel your words instead, which was lovely. The description of her was beautiful, and I did not doubt your feelings toward her. One question ... did the moonlight disappear? because I noticed that "bleached moonlight streamed through the window ....." and then "next to me in the darkness an angelic symphony ......" I can be abit anal when it comes to details like this, and much preferred reading about the moonlight on her, rather than imagining her in the darkness.

Looking forward to more of your writings.

T
 

popsprocket

Retired Chief Media Manager
Corrections in red
Comments in blue
Additions in orange

As ever, my changes are only suggestions.

I awoke to the sound of raindrops on the roof. The resounding patter was almost like pebbles being shaken [Honestly not a pleasant noise, seems like a poor metaphor] around in a can[strike],[/strike] but, in the stillness [Pretty sure the air can't be still if it's raining] of the midnight air, it sounded like the heavens had composed a song of praise just for me. Distant rumbles of thunder rolled through the clouds and the window above my bed glittered as [strike]the[/strike] petite crystal meteors [strike]of water[/strike] flew down from the dark blanket of the heavens.

Though the tap of the rain was seemingly random, in [strike]a[/strike] my pleasant stupor [You need to be careful about words like stupor which, while perhaps not technically incorrect in this usage, have other connotations and thus make them a poor choice - a stupor is usually a more incoherent or undesirable state than simply being half asleep][strike],[/strike] I managed to locate a faint rhythm [Very strange choice of sentence structure up to this point][strike]:[/strike] - slow, deliberate, and leisurely[strike],[/strike] - like the beating of a heart. It was comforting. That simple drumming seemed to be the only point of constancy in a world of variables, and I had a duty to savor every moment of it. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe. Everything was too perfect. My body felt like a fossil, set in stone, not by the passing of the ages, but by a spell of utter contentment. Only my eyes moved still.

Inevitably, they drifted over to the nude feminine figure next to me. As she quietly lay on her side, the bleached moonlight [Seems unlikely, if it's raining and thundering then there probably isn't enough moonlight to 'stream' anywhere] streamed through the window. Refracted by the sheets of water, it playfully shimmered and danced upon her sleeping body. My eyes slid down her diamond face, delicate lips, pristine cascades of raven hair, and taut [strike]flat[/strike] [Redundant word choice, 'taut' would imply 'flat' all on its own in this context] belly [Not a very romantic word]. Her full breasts tenderly quivered as the curves of her form rose and fell with her tranquil breathing. Next to me, in the darkness, an angelic symphony of flawless beauty lay dreaming.

A strange wave of unadulterated emotion surged through me. What emotions they were[strike],[/strike] I couldn’t tell, but they made my extremities tingle and the corners of my mouth turn up in a gentle smile. I turned over and brushed my lips against her smooth cheek, my senses drinking in the sweet ambrosia of her essence. She only barely stirred [I would consider this sentence poor English. A more appropriate wording would be something like 'She stirred faintly']. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her in close and rested my chin atop her head. I felt, more than heard, the steady drumbeat of her heart. My eyelids lazily slid down as I drifted off to sleep[strike],[/strike]; listening to that sound, in perfect synchronization with the sound of the raindrops outside.

This is pretty good for such a short piece really. I particularly enjoyed the symmetry you lined up between the rhythm of the rain and the girl's heartbeat at the end.

The first passage is easily the weakest. I noted some of the problems I had with the language used but really it is simply verbose and doesn't achieve what you seem to want it to. Like the comment I made about making sure to consider a word's connotations, one should also consider what they are attempting to convey. The picture you paint in the first passage doesn't come across as a calm rainy night scene to me. You've got thunder and pebbles in a can and raindrop meteors juxtaposed against still air and songs of praise. This whole paragraph would greatly benefit from being reworked to include softer words and a more pared back description of the setting.

That last bit goes for this whole piece. You've got some very harsh words (like 'utter', 'variables', and 'refracted') in here that clash with the scene you're trying to set.

You have a number of places where you've structured your sentences quite strangely and it makes them read poorly, ruining the flow that you're trying to establish. My suggestion here is don't be afraid to use simpler sentence structures as they can often be far more effective than something convoluted and dotted with commas. I struck out a few of the commas that you used to improve the movement of the words but I didn't want to go so far as rearranging any of the sentences.

Commas. You're got the right idea in some places but for the most part this piece is an exercise in excessive commas. The way you've used them in a lot of sentences breaks the flow rather than aids it, and creates parenthetical expressions where the idea contained between the commas is actually important to the sentence's meaning. This is largely an issue of experience and isn't something that that anyone can really teach you. The only fix for this is to keep writing!


Over all this is a decently handled piece and I appreciate what you were trying to do, even if I don't think that you quite nailed it.
 

Joseph Anderson

Senior Member
Thanks for the critique popsprocket. I know I'm a little comma-happy and I usually just write the words that come into my mind. This generally they forms the same sentence structure over and over again. These things have been a major thorn in my side. Thanks again for your advice and I will definitely try to incorporate it in my writing later on!
 

Goob

Senior Member
In this sort of situation, the woman sleeping beside you could have easily came across as a conquest, but your emotional attachment to her is quite evident. She's a beautiful woman, but that's not all she is to you. You managed to describe the perfect balance between the physical and emotional pull you have for her. I really enjoyed the way you drew us into the scene, and look forward to reading more of your work.
 

msjhord

Senior Member
I agree with popsrocket's assessment. I have made some of these same errors myself and they were brought to my attention. Also, I was advised to guard against 'inactive' verbs. So, instead of saying, "my body felt like a fossil," say something like, "just laying there, I felt like a fossil." But on the whole, good job!
 

20oz

Senior Member
I liked it. The imagery, the emotions.

I can't really add anything else that hasn't been said. So... kudos.
 

Khalid M

Senior Member
One of those moments of bliss of which you try to savor every bit... really nice piece, it put a smile on my face.
 

DarkSunshine

Senior Member
Wow, that was really beautiful!
I really loved the description you give and the introduction hooked me. Good stories always need nice hooks to reel the reader in and yours did just that! Nice job!
 

Itachi

Senior Member
This was exactly what I was trying to describe the other day. I love how you wrote 'I managed to locate a faint rhythm: slow, deliberate, and leisurely, like the beating of a heart. It was comforting', it painted a picture.
 

w.riter

Senior Member
I liked the comparison of the raindrops with the pebbles. It's nice to know that someone still appreciates the meteors by way of ''comparing'' them to other physical matter (phosils). Comparing meteors and phosils (i.e. the living and dead matter) is probably there to compare the person in love's feeling of being stretched between the possible and non possible.
 
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