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Ragnor Claw (370 words) (1 Viewer)

3blake7

Senior Member
I've been writing short little introductions to characters, just to experiment with different writing styles. I hope you like it.

----

It’s dark out. Black clouds block the moonlight, with a splatter of stars seeping through. The wind is light and chilling, the leaves rustle and the white noise of termites waver in the wind. I breath and my vision blurs as the moisture freezes in the air. I take a deep breath, the chilled air stings my sinuses but I detect a scent. I take a few steps forward, leaves crunching beneath my feet, dividing my attention. I stop, focus and the scent resurfaces once again, it’s stronger and it must be coming from up wind. My eyes are adjusting to the darkness, the silhouettes of trees come into focus, details at first unseen emerge from the darkness. I creep, doing my best to soften the sounds of leaves crunching beneath my bare feet. The scent grows stronger and stronger and I continue to track and stalk. The sound of a twig breaking echos, the sound bouncing from tree trunk to tree trunk. My senses are so sensitive that it sounds as loud as a gun shot. Two glowing orbs appear from the darkness and I tighten my grip on the spear. I bend my knees and in the process the twig cracks further. The creature raises it’s head, honed in on my position. I lunge into the air and it flees. A flurry of leaves crunching, an orchestra of wind, termites and the struggle. I draw my arm back and I twist my body, extending my arm and releasing. It’s all instinct, my heart is beating louder, I can hear it in my ear drums. My eyes are wide from adrenaline. All my senses are soaking in every detail. A yelp. The silhouette falls to the side, the spear clearly through it. I can smell the blood, it’s arousing. I walk towards the slain beast, placing my hand around the spear and my foot across it’s neck, I rip the sharpened wood from it’s body and as I do, the crescendo of sound, blood suction and gargling. I crouch to a knee, placing the first two of my left fingers in the gaping wound, dipping it into blood. I draw two lines across the stripped fur of my face.

 

Thaumiel

WF Veterans
I feel as though 'My eyes are wide from adrenaline.' would be served better as 'Eyes wide from adrenaline,' connecting to the following sentence. Just a personal preference given an early line goes as 'My eyes are adjusting...'

Another lines goes as 'My senses are so sensitive...' while there's nothing wrong with that I feel like the wording can be improved.
 

3blake7

Senior Member
I feel as though 'My eyes are wide from adrenaline.' would be served better as 'Eyes wide from adrenaline,' connecting to the following sentence. Just a personal preference given an early line goes as 'My eyes are adjusting...'

Another lines goes as 'My senses are so sensitive...' while there's nothing wrong with that I feel like the wording can be improved.

I see what you're saying, it's a little repetitive. Thanks for the suggestion.
 

AtleanWordsmith

WF Veterans
I feel that you could benefit from condensing some of your sentences and maybe breaking it up into paragraphs. It would help even out your flow a bit.

For example:

"I stop, focus and the scent resurfaces once again, it's stronger and it must be coming from up wind."

Could easily become:

"I stop and focus, and the scent resurfaces, stronger--it must be upwind."

Sure, you'll lose a bit of your wordcount, but dropping the redundant bits will make your work easier to read. For instance, using the word "resurfaces" tells the reader that the character has picked up the scent before. The phrase " the scent resurfaces once again" is like saying he's caught the scent again once again. Rephrasing my work to see if I've accidentally added redundancies is a tool that I try to use when I write (not always successfully--sometimes it just takes another pair of eyes, you know?).

Playing around with your punctuation can also help. Semicolons and long dashes can allow you to use interconnected, but separate, thoughts in the same sentence, without breaking up the flow of your narrative with periods. Also, when you're writing, be mindful of your possessives versus your contractions, especially with words like "its." Spellcheck won't save you, and it often goes unnoticed until someone gives you hell for it later--but that's just small stuff.

Hope this helps you, and keep trucking!
 

Cato

Senior Member
The opening sentence doesn't seen to make sense - out is a direction, not a place, it's like saying "It's dark up" Out where? In sentence 4, it should be "I breathe" not "I breath." You should change sentence length, making the sentences get shorter, especially as the scene get more tense.
 

AtleanWordsmith

WF Veterans
The opening sentence doesn't seen to make sense - out is a direction, not a place, it's like saying "It's dark up" Out where?

Cato, the phrase "dark out" is another way to say that it's dark outside, generally referring to nighttime or similar conditions.
 

Cato

Senior Member
I have never hear or read the expression "dark out" until now - but being clear is a critical pillar of good literature, and the out is superfluous. I think he should just cut it.
 

bunnybun

Senior Member
I like it! Just a couple of sentences you could try to change: "The wind is light and chilling, the leaves rustle and the white noise of termites waver in the Wind"

Air instead of Wind in the end. Having twice the same word in the same sentence is a bit too much.

"My eyes are adjusting to the darkness, the silhouettes of trees come into focus, details at first unseen emerge from the darkness"

You could cut from the darkness at the end. I think in this case, it's not useful.
 

Arthur G. Mustard

Senior Member
I like this and enjoyed reading it. I think it would benefit from shorter paragraphs though. The description was good along with the atmosphere, but maybe try not to start too many sentences with the word "The". I agree with some of the other comments about shortening and sharpening up some of the sentences to create a more tense atmosphere. Good luck.
 
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Moody

Senior Member
Some writers have a gift for describing a scene in detail, and I think that's what you've done here. I could feel the weight of him jumping and releasing the spear, and then the weight of him pulling the spear out. I think you've painted a great scene here.

What if you had described his senses and instincts before the jump instead of after the release? It could have built more tension. Like a spring tensing up before it uncoils.

I rip the sharpened wood from it’s body and as I do, the crescendo of sound, blood suction and gargling.
The sound of a twig breaking echos, the sound bouncing from tree trunk to tree trunk.


What if instead it was
"A twig snaps and the echo bounces from trunk to trunk."
or "I rip the spear from it's suction and it repays me with a crescendo of gargling blood."

Theres a lot of different ways you could go with that second sentence there, but you get the general idea. It's a great scene and could be even greater if you went over it a few times and polished it out.

 

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