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Radio Script: A Star Trek Spoof (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
Sloggin': Attack of the Clooneys

SCENE 1. SFX: Melodramatic theme music.

CAPTAIN Space. It’s large, dark, and occasionally interesting. These are the voyages of the starship Consolationprise. Our three season… I mean, three year mission: to explore strange new worlds and their strange new women. To seek out new life, and overthrow their religious beliefs by destroying their sentient Godlike computers with no regard for our own ethical obligations. To boldly go where the other guys already did.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music, rocket-ship sound.

CAPTAIN Captain’s Log. 23rd of July. The Future. After a year of gladiatorial combat, Western shootouts and the Great Vegetable Rebellion of Carrotus Prime, my crew is ready for some rest and shore leave. We are en route to Nymphomania 7, and expect to be in orbit within three days.
In the meantime, the redshirts have walked off the job due to a union dispute. I asked Starmada to beam over some Imperial stormtroopers, but the transportation device malfunctioned and they all died. I’ve asked the only remaining nonessential crewmember to take their place in the meantime; a prospect which he finds uninviting.

HULA Captain, I’m picking up a distress signal.

CAPTAIN Can it wait? I’m in the middle of updating my log.

HULA Just press Ctrl-S, sir.

SFX: Beep.

CAPTAIN Oh, thankyou Hula. Okay, let’s hear it.

SFX: Beep.

MESSAGE (Metallic voice.) Help, help, help, help, help, help… (Continues.)

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, what do the flashing buttons on your console say?

POINTY They say very little, Captain, due to their being made of round blobs of plastic. However, their flashes indicate that the distress signal is being transmitted from a vessel approximately one light year away.

CAPTAIN Can you identify the vessel?

POINTY We are not in visual range.

CAPTAIN So you wouldn’t be able to tell me the odds of that ship having green slave women, then?

POINTY I’m afraid not, sir.

CAPTAIN Mister Zulu, lay in an intercept course, and standby on tractor beams.

ZULU Aye, Captain.

POINTY Besides, the ship is transmitting on an old Earth frequency.

CAPTAIN So there could be human slave women on board? This isn’t going to be like that time when we picked up those mandolin-playing space beatniks, is it?

POINTY Given the number of times we go back to old plot devices, I’d say it’s likely.

CAPTAIN Still, I think it’s worth a closer look. And turn that distress signal off.

SFX: Beep, Communication whistle.

CAPTAIN Doctor Killjoy, Ensign Smith, please report to Transportation Room 1.

POINTY I’m assuming that I’ll be going as well.


SCENE 2. SFX: Melodramatic theme music, various beeping and clicking noises. Rapid running and door swish.

CAPTAIN Right, we’re here and ready.

KILLJOY Jim, what’s the point of being explorers if all you do is rescue women, blow up computers and have shootouts with alien mobsters. There are times when I feel like I’m just a part of a stupid 60s TV show.

CAPTAIN Oh relax, Doctor, we’re all armed.

KILLJOY Yes, with laser guns that aren’t really effective against anything.

POINTY He has a point, Captain. Usually the people we shoot at either manage to dodge being shot at, which is no mean feat, considering we’re technically firing at the speed of light, or they shrug off the effects of being shot almost immediately.

SFX: Door swish.

SMITH (Whiny voice.) Do I really have to go on this mission?

CAPTAIN Well all the other replaceable crewmembers walked off because of that union thing, and you didn’t join the union, so yes.

SMITH But I’m going to die!

CAPTAIN Look, just because you’re a minor character who chose to wear a red shirt in a potentially dangerous and probably lethal situation, does not mean you’re going to snuff it.

SMITH But it always happens! Remember what happened to Crewman Brown when we visited the Planet of the Dinosaurs?


SMITH Or what about Yeoman Johnson, when you decided to overthrow the supercomputer on Psychopathica 9?

CAPTAIN I remember she offered to sleep with me; does that count?

SMITH Well, I refuse to step onto that transportation pad. There’s no way!

POINTY Ensign, in accordance with the Starmada Charter for Dummies, Chapter 8, Paragraph 17, all away teams must be accompanied by at least one dispensable crew member. All the other dispensable crew members are protesting outside Starmada Headquarters, so you are obligated to go with us.

CAPTAIN Mister Scouse, are we in transportation range yet?

SCOUSE (Scouse accent.) Yeah.

CAPTAIN Okay team, let’s go.

SFX: Footsteps, beep, transportation noise.

SCENE 3. SFX: Melodramatic theme music. (All voices in this scene with slight echo.) Distress signal in background.

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, see if you can switch off that distress signal. Killjoy, Smith, you’re with me.

POINTY Yes, Captain. I’ll also begin scanning for survivors.

SMITH Hang on, my leg hasn’t materialised yet.

KILLJOY It’ll come through eventually.

CAPTAIN Okay, Killjoy, you go with Pointy and search the foredecks. Me and Smith will search the aft.

KILLJOY The what?

CAPTAIN The back of the ship.


SMITH Right, my leg’s appeared now. It’s on backwards, but at least it’s there.

CAPTAIN Right, let’s go.

SFX: Footsteps, scanning sound.

CAPTAIN So Ensign, what do you think about this ship?

SMITH Well, according to my scannowhiz, the design of the corridors match those of vessels built during the Reality TV Wars of 2011.

CAPTAIN You mean the time when the BBCNN tried to set off a nuclear apocalypse so that they could film humanity’s desperate attempts to survive?

SMITH Yes sir.

CAPTAIN I remember reading about that show. They ended up cancelling it after audiences discovered that 97% of the human race would have to die in the pilot episode.

SMITH A sad period of history indeed.

SFX: Radio static.

KILLJOY Jim, we’ve found something.

CAPTAIN Really? What is it?

KILLJOY You’d better come see for yourself.

CAPTAIN Doctor, why is it that whenever you find something interesting, you lack the ability to describe it in any level of detail. (Sigh.) Where are you?

POINTY We are currently in Cargo Bay 1.

CAPTAIN We’ll be right there.

SFX: Radio static.

CAPTAIN Ensign, see if you can bring up a schematic of the ship on this computer.

SFX: Beep, followed by rapid gunfire.

SMITH Well that was a good idea. (Dying gasp.)

CAPTAIN At least you brought the map up.

SFX: Running sound, melodramatic theme music.

KILLJOY Why do they have to play melodramatic music every time we change scenes? I mean, nothing really interesting has happened yet to necessitate such a thing.

CAPTAIN Okay, I’m here.

POINTY Where is Ensign Smith?

CAPTAIN Oh, he pushed this button and all these guns came out of the ceiling and shot him.

SFX: Running sound.

SMITH I got here as fast as I could; what did I miss?

CAPTAIN Strange; I had the definite impression that you died.

SMITH I did. Ask Mr. Scouse; he came up with something to address the lack of expendable characters. Not that I’m very happy about it, but—

CAPTAIN Yes yes, shut up. Killjoy, what did you find?

KILLJOY Over eighty frozen bodies in cryonic pods.

CAPTAIN So who are they?

POINTY I am not sure, Captain. However, I believe I can reanimate them with this control panel.

KILLJOY What makes you say that?

POINTY The large red button that is surrounded by flashing arrows and has “Defrost” written on it in neon green writing.

CAPTAIN I see. (Break.) Doctor, what can you tell me of their physical condition?

KILLJOY They’re all in a controlled comatose state.

CAPTAIN Just so long as they’re not more space beatniks. Pointy, could you start up the reanimation sequence?

POINTY Yes, Captain. Smith, start up the—

SMITH Yeah yeah, I—

SFX: Beep, squelchy sound.

CAPTAIN Oh, I guess that was booby-trapped too.

SFX: Microwave beep, pneumatic doors.

POINTY Doctor…

KILLJOY I’m on it.

SFX: Scanning sound.

CAPTAIN How are they?

KILLJOY Well, this guy’s unconscious and freezing. I recommend 20ccs of black coffee and a can of Red Cow.

CAPTAIN Anything special about him?

KILLJOY According to the scannowhiz, he possesses greater-than-average looks, strength, and intellect. Plus his hair is perfectly conditioned.

CAPTAIN No dandruff?

KILLJOY None at all.

CAPTAIN Incredible! Doctor, have him beamed to sickbay. Perhaps I could learn his conditioning technique so I could use it on my hair.

POINTY You don’t have any hair.

CAPTAIN No, the next captain in the series doesn’t have any hair. I do.

POINTY (Pause.) That’s not hair.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music.

CAPTAIN And shut that damn theme music off!

SCENE 4. SFX: Slightly less melodramatic theme music, bubbling, heart monitor, frogs.

CAPTAIN Captain’s Log. 24th of July. The Future. We’ve discovered an ancient Earth vessel containing nearly a hundred cryonic-frozen humans. I have sent a message to Starbase 616, advising them of our find. We’ll drop the ship off on the way to shore leave, and leave the Starmada Science Department to work out the rest. We should get there in 4 days. We’d get there quicker, but we’re towing the ship behind us, so that’s made things difficult.
In the meantime, Ensign Smith has died seven times since the union dispute, and he’s still walking around. I’m considering increasing the crew’s garlic ration to ward off any vampiric tendencies he may develop. Mr Scouse says he knows what’s going on, so I’ll have to ask him later.

KILLJOY Jim, do you have to update your log in sickbay?

CAPTAIN Well, your office has a comfy chair, and the chair on the bridge isn’t really that good. Plus I want to know the status of our patient.

KILLJOY He’s still unconscious.

CAPTAIN Try matching up his profile with the Starmada databanks. I want to know who he is.

KILLJOY Why don’t you just ask him?

CAPTAIN Because he’s sleeping.

KILLJOY He’s not sleeping, he’s—oh.

CAPTAIN Keep me informed, doctor. I’ll be in Engineering.

SFX: Door swish.

KILLJOY (Off-key singing) The head bone’s connected to the… throat bone. The throat bone’s connected to the… torso bone, the torso bone’s connected to the… knife blade, the knife blade’s connected to the—

SOMEONE (Ricardo Montalbanish accent) My hand.

KILLJOY Yes, I can see that.

SOMEONE Now you listen carefully, because I will not repeat myself. I want to know where I am, where my crew is, who you are, what your shoe size is, and where I can find the nearest men’s room.

KILLJOY Are you serious?

SOMEONE No, Sirius is my second-in-command. Now, answer my questions, or I will plunge this knife into your heart, rip it out and barbecue it.

KILLJOY That’s an interesting concept. However, you fail to realise that, as a main character on this show, there’s no way I can die.

SOMEONE Well, how am I supposed to show you I’m serious, then?

KILLJOY Hang on.

SFX: Communications whistle.

KILLJOY Ensign Smith, please report to sickbay. Ensign Smith, report to sickbay.

SOMEONE So where am I?

KILLJOY You’re in bed.

SOMEONE No, I mean where is this place?

KILLJOY Sickbay.

SOMEONE You don’t have to be that specific. What is this facility?

KILLJOY This facility is a starship.

SOMEONE Ah. And the rest-room is?

KILLJOY That door to your left.

SOMEONE Good. Do you mind holding this knife against your chest until I get back?


SFX: Footsteps, door swish, peeing sound.

SMITH Hello doctor, I… you’re holding a knife against your chest.

KILLJOY Yes Ensign, I’m aware of that.

SFX: Flush, door swish.

SOMEONE Who are you?

SMITH I’m Ensign Smith; who are—

SOMEONE Could I have my knife back please?

KILLJOY Here you go.

SOMEONE Thank you.

SFX: Stabbing sound.


SFX: Thump.

KILLJOY See, now I know you’re serious.

SOMEONE I demand to see your captain.

KILLJOY Alright.

SFX: Communication whistle.

KILLJOY Captain Something, please report to sickbay. Captain Something, please report to sickbay.

SOMEONE So where is my crew?

KILLJOY They’re still on your ship; we don’t have enough food replicators to cater for everyone. We’re keeping them in their pods until—

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Okay, I’m here, I… oh, Ensign Smith’s dead again.

KILLJOY Yes Jim, and our guest is awake.

CAPTAIN Which would explain why Ensign Smith is dead.

SOMEONE Captain, I am pleased to finally meet you.

CAPTAIN Hang on, I want to ask a few questions. What’s your name?


CAPTAIN Is that your first name or your last name?

KHAN My name is Khan.

CAPTAIN What, just “Khan”?

KHAN Khaaan!

CAPTAIN Fair enough. Dinner’s at seven, meet me and the other senior officers in the dining room then. And doctor, have the robots take Ensign Smith’s body down to the morgue.

SFX: Door swish.

KHAN He doesn’t fool around, does he?

KILLJOY No, he doesn’t.

Scene 5. SFX: Melodramatic music.

CAPTAIN Captain’s Log. Additional. I’ve made a formal complaint to Starmada Headquarters concerning the melodramatic music being played during every scene change. I’ve also invited the defrosted man to dinner.

KHAN Yes, I’m aware of that, Captain.

POINTY The captain likes to update his log on a regular basis. It’s all part of the routine on board a starship.

CAPTAIN It sure is. So Khan, tell us about your journey.

KHAN Well, first I fell asleep, and then I woke up.

POINTY Fascinating.

CAPTAIN So what did you do before setting off into space?

KHAN I was a Bollywood actor. After we found out the BBCNN was planning a nuclear war, the Bollywood Actors’ Guild decided to escape in one of their ships, and return once the war was over and Earth was nice again.

CAPTAIN You’re a very long way from Earth, though.

KHAN Yes, well, those navigational computers were built by women, so of course we got lost.

CAPTAIN I’d advise against saying that around here. Our attitudes towards the opposite sex have undergone some major changes since the early 21st century.

KHAN Then why do you make them wear uniforms with plunging necklines and miniskirts?

CAPTAIN (Pause.) So Khan, what films were you in?

KHAN Oh, many films. None that were very good.

CAPTAIN I didn’t know Bollywood made films that were good.

POINTY On the contrary, Captain. Many Bollywood films were definitive classics, like Bride and Prejudice, or The Indian Superman, or—

CAPTAIN I don’t suppose there’s a way of confirming your identity?

POINTY I’m still looking for his profile in the databanks, but information from that period of history is very sketchy.

KHAN Plus I don’t like cameras; they freak me out. That’s why I’m in a radio show and not a TV show.


KHAN So, when can I expect my crew to be defrosted?

CAPTAIN Once we reach Starbase 616.

KHAN Well that’s no good.

CAPTAIN Why not? It’s been hundreds of years; what’s three days going to do?

KHAN Well—excuse me, I’m going to my ship.

SFX: Chair dragged.

CAPTAIN What for?

KHAN Uh, well there’s coffee there—

CAPTAIN We have coffee here. Fresh grown on the slopes of Olympus Mons, Mars.

KHAN No no, this is, uh, a special blend. I shouldn’t be too long.

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Well, Mister Pointy, what have you found so far?

POINTY I was confused by his statement that he didn’t like cameras, especially as he is supposedly one of the most reputable actors in the Indian film industry.

CAPTAIN So you think he’s an impostor.

POINTY I’m not sure. However, I have found a picture of someone who bares a striking similarity to him. His name is Thomas Clooney. Apparently, he’s the evil half-brother of George Clooney, a respected Hollywood actor. According to the databanks, Thomas worked the arthouse circuit for several years, before disappearing in 2008. It was later revealed that he’d taken over the BBCNN, and was the man that almost started the Reality TV Wars of 2011.

CAPTAIN Anything else?

POINTY Yes. Apparently, he was also responsible for the massacre at Pope Logan V’s bar mitzvah, which he did because it was a slow news day.

CAPTAIN So that’s this guy?

POINTY That is my assumption based on the evidence at hand, yes.


SFX: Communications whistle.

CAPTAIN Ensign Smith, please report to the other ship, and be armed.

POINTY Captain, you should have used a private communication. Now the whole ship knows, and that includes Clooney.

CAPTAIN You can blame the foley department for this; they didn’t record enough sound effects. Cheap gits.

SFX: Ominous music.

CAPTAIN (Shouting) The scene isn’t over yet!

SFX: Music fades out.

CAPTAIN Okay, we’ve got to stop this guy before he does whatever it is he’s going to do.

POINTY He’s probably going to wake up his fellow crewmembers, and get them to take over this ship.

CAPTAIN Who knows what kind of diabolical plan he has planned for us.

POINTY I just hope Ensign Smith doesn’t die too quickly. It might place strain on the—

CAPTAIN Hang on, what’s that smell?

POINTY Your mugatu burger, sir.

CAPTAIN No, it’s something different, sort of… like… beatniks…

SFX: Two thumps, ominous music.

Scene 6. SFX: Communications whistle.

CLOONEY Attention all hands, this is your new captain. We are now en route to Starbase 616, where we will oversee the creation of a bold new reality TV series. It will be set against the background of a galactic war which we are about to start, and it will be called… Star Wars!

HENCHMAN Sir, isn’t there already a film series by that name?

CLOONEY Damn, you’re right. Okay, this new series will be called… Wars in Space, and it will get the best ratings in history!

POINTY So what will happen to us senior officers?

CLOONEY We’ll release you on the planet Tanunda Bay, and then detonate a small nuclear device that will kill you all.

CAPTAIN Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad.

CLOONEY You, Captain, on the other hand, will be thrown into the woe closet.

KILLJOY The woe closet?

CLOONEY It’s sort of like a big glass box that makes you commit suicide. We had it on a game show in 2006. It bombed in the ratings, but we held onto the design for nostalgia purposes. Take him away.

CAPTAIN (Voice fading away.) No, you can’t do this, we’ll get our ship back, et cetera…

CLOONEY And now I must gloat evilly, so you will all be locked in your quarters.

SFX: Door swish.

CLOONEY (Sung to the tune of “Theme from Rawhide”) Gloating, gloating, gloating, everybody’s gloating, rawhide!

Scene 7. SFX: Footsteps.

SMITH So you’re an expendable bit part as well, eh?

HENCH #1 Yeah.

SMITH Do they pay you well?

HENCH #1 Yeah, but I don’t get sick leave.

SMITH No sick leave? What kind of henchman are you? I’m assuming you guys have a union?

HENCH #2 We do, but we don’t use it often.

SMITH Well the right to sick leave is something all expendable bit parts need. Why, your employers could be taking advantage of you without your realising.

HENCH #1 Hey, you’re right!

HENCH #3 Right about what?

HENCH #1 Our employer’s been screwing us out of our legal rights!

HENCH #2 What!?

HENCH #3 Send out the word to all henchmen on the ship; we’re walking off until we see our union rep.

HENCH #1 Thanks for informing us, buddy.

SMITH No problems.

HENCH #1 Look, I know it’s just a little thing, but don’t try to retake the ship. It’ll look really bad on our resume if that happens.

SMITH You can count on me.

HENCH #2 Right, let’s go boys!

SFX: Footsteps, angry grumbling.

SMITH Told you unions were good for nothing. And now to retake the ship.

Scene 8. SFX: Scanny noise, ominous music.

VOICE #1 (Echoey) You’re a bad captain.

VOICE #2 (Echoey) You’re a bad actor.

VOICE #1 You’re bald.


VOICE #1 You’re also in denial of being bald.

VOICE #2 And you’re the worst director since Ed Wood.

HENCH #4 Wow, this guy’s got some serious issues.

SFX: Running.

HENCH #5 Viva la revolution!

HENCH #4 What?

HENCH #5 We’re going to complain to the union! Come on!

SFX: Running, silence, then footsteps.

SMITH Captain?

CAPTAIN Who are you?

SMITH Ensign Smith, the redshirt.

CAPTAIN Oh. Can you get me out of here?

SMITH Hang on.

SFX: Breaking glass.

SMITH Are you alright, sir?

CAPTAIN All they bruised was my ego. We have to get down to sickbay!


CAPTAIN I’m going to retake my ship, that’s why!

SMITH Yes, but wouldn’t we do better to go to the armoury first? You know, get some grenades, a suicide lemming, those really cool automated gun turrets that—

CAPTAIN Let’s just get to sickbay.

SMITH Okay, but—

SFX: Breaking glass, squelchy sound.

CAPTAIN You’re dead again?

SFX: Running.

CAPTAIN I tell you, if Starmada is allowing people who die as often as you get into these ships, I’m going to be sending another complaint their way.

SFX: Door swish, opening drawers, tipping stuff on floor.

CAPTAIN Come on, where is it?

SFX: Door swish.

SMITH Okay, what are we looking for?

CAPTAIN Another bottle of that tranquiliser gas.


CAPTAIN I’m going to do to Clooney and his henchmen what they did to us. We should be immune to that gas, because we’ve been knocked out by it in virtually every episode we’ve done.

SMITH There are times when I respect and love this show’s tendency to retread over old plot devices.

CAPTAIN Still, for what the show requires, it’ll have to work like that. Okay, I’ve found the gas. Now all we need is to find a convenient air duct.

SFX: Quack.

CAPTAIN What a childish sound gag!

SFX: Metallic scraping.

SMITH Sir, I’ve found it! Now what?

CAPTAIN Now we throw the gas bottle down the air duct. It’ll explode, send gas all over the ship, and knock them all out.

SMITH But what if the explosion causes damage to vital systems, or what if—

SFX: Explosion.

CAPTAIN What! Dead again?

SFX: Communications whistle.

POINTY Captain, this is Pointy. All the henchmen have been incapacitated. Clooney’s sealed himself in Engineering, and is apparently trying to blow the ship up.

CAPTAIN Of course he is! Well, Smith should be down there, so I’ll have some help.

POINTY Good luck, Captain.

SFX: Running. Lots of running. Heavy breathing.

CAPTAIN Why do they have to make these ships so damn big?

SFX: More running. Door swish.

CAPTAIN Clooney!

CLOONEY Hello, Captain. I should warn you that I’ve set your ships engines to explode in ten minutes, as the large digital timer here says.

SFX: Zap.

SMITH Okay, I’m going to—

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

SMITH Don’t think you’ll—

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

CLOONEY It was very clever of your engineer to install an expendable character cloning machine in here, but it will do no good.

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

CLOONEY He has to be the worst fighter in the history of extras. And now I’m going to kill you.

CAPTAIN Hang on, I’ve got to get ready.

SFX: Ripping shirt.

CAPTAIN And some dramatic fight music.

SFX: Dramatic fight music.

CAPTAIN And now to start off with a Vulcan Groin Kick.

SFX: Lots of punching, breaking glass, thumping, the occasional zap, and the sound of a cat being whacked against a wall.

CLOONEY Your foley department must be having a field day.

CAPTAIN I’m sure they are.

SFX: More fight sounds, and a couple more zaps.

SMITH Could you stop killing me, please? There’s at least a dozen dead bodies in here, and all mine!

CL/CP Shut up!

SFX: Punch.

CLOONEY You killed him again?

CAPTAIN No, just stunned. And back to fighting.

SFX: Fight sounds.

CLOONEY You can’t win, you know. I’m a genetically engineered superman with a superior intellect.

CAPTAIN Yes, but you forgot one thing.

CLOONEY Really, and what’s—

SFX: Tripping sound, thump.

CAPTAIN I’m the main character.

SMITH Uh, you hit me on the head.

CAPTAIN It was necessary, Ensign. Now get all these dead bodies out of here before someone else trips over them.

Scene 9. SFX: Melodramatic music.

CAPTAIN Captain’s Log. Additional. We’ve put down the mutiny, and have returned the bad guys to their ship. I have also put in a special commendation for Ensign Smith, for having to put up with so much crap in this episode due to the union dispute.
In the meantime, I have to plan what to do with the mutineers.

CLOONEY So what are you going to do with us mutineers?

KILLJOY Well, we can’t just freeze you all again. That would be a boring plot development.

CLOONEY Then what?

CAPTAIN I’m going to disable your ship’s engines, and land you on the planet Sequel 2. The planet is adequately habitable; you should be able to make a life for yourself there.

CLOONEY Why are you doing this?

CAPTAIN You’re probably not a bad person. Okay, you were evil, sadistic, you wanted to plunge the whole galaxy into war and you also took over my ship for a short time, but it wasn’t your fault. You’re a product of your period of history, and I can’t hold that against you.

CLOONEY Well, I know not to look a gift horse in the ear. Thank you, Captain, for giving us a second chance at life. I wish you all the best for the future.

CAPTAIN But we are in the future!


CAPTAIN Ensign Smith, Doctor, you two can take him back to his ship now.

SMITH Yes sir.

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, did you attach the bomb to the exterior of their ship?

POINTY Yes Captain. It should explode approximately five minutes after they detach from our ship.

CAPTAIN Very good.

POINTY Captain, I must wonder; why did you order me to undertake such an action.

CAPTAIN Well Pointy, it’s not the humane thing to do, but it is the human thing to do.

POINTY And with that blaze of ironic anti-morality, we present the melodramatic credits.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music.