Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Precisely (1 Viewer)

NotProper

Senior Member
if you let go for a moment
and slipped down between the ropes
bracing your shoulder
frayed by ceaseless tension
never released

yes if you slipped down between those ropes
deep down into that fizzing centre
previously only accessible to smug enlightened souls
(when they talk you can only smirk
your face slick with Science)

now you know
those little jolts of consciousness
you are a glowing electric machine
still and oscillating
inside a silent sun-like void

it reminds you of when
those many times
you would slide your arm underneath his neck
into that perfect little gap between his shoulders and the pillow
and wrap yourself around him in a way
never before seen on page or screen
in Tetric wholeness
your free arm would float over his chest
your arm hair
statically charged
with his chest hair

now you know
 
Last edited:

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
if you let go for a moment
and slipped down between the ropes
that brace your shoulder
frayed by ceaseless tension
never released

I'd drop the "and" in L2 and change L3 to "bracing"

yes if you slipped down between those ropes
deep down into that fizzing centre
previously only accessible to smug enlightened souls
(when they talk you can only smirk
your face slick with Science)

I'd put "enlightened" in quotes but that's a style issue.

but now you know
those little jolts of consciousness
you are a glowing electric machine
still and oscillating
inside a larger sun-like void

I'd change "but" to "and" or "so". I'm not sure I can comprehend a "sun-like void" and it caused me to trip a little on it while reading. I don't know what you intend so I can't make a suggestion.

it reminds you of when
those many times
you would slide your arm underneath his neck
into that perfect little gap between his shoulders and the pillow
and wrap yourself around him in a way
never before seen on page or screen
in Tetric wholeness
your free arm would float over his chest
your arm hair
statically charged
with his chest hair

Oh, my -- "tetric" did you mean "Tetris-like" or "tantric"? It could read either way.

now you know

I love, love, the imagery ... those nits I picked were minor except for the void -- that metaphor went right on past me.
 

Ariel

WF Veterans
I'd change "but" to "and" or "so".

Actually, with the stanza breaks "but" can be dropped completely. The break implies a but/so/and--also, none of those add anything to the line grammatically.

I agree with everything else Annie has pointed out. Still, beautiful.
 

NotProper

Senior Member
Thanks Annie!

I'd drop the "and" in L2 and change L3 to "bracing"

I am a little bit stubborn when it comes to trimming the fat from my poems, making them sleek and streamlined. I guess because I'm not a real poet, I like the messiness and awkwardness of prose, occasionally. So I feel like removing "and" will make this poem too much like a dolphin, when I want it to be more like a teddy bear :) I can't believe how much I've written to try and justify the inclusion of an "and" :D However, I do agree about "bracing". I do use "that" far too often

I'd put "enlightened" in quotes but that's a style issue.

I feel like putting "enlightened" in quotes would push the point too much. You understood the sarcasm without it.

I'd change "but" to "and" or "so"

I agree with Ms Sawtell on this one, I think it doesn't need any of those little words :)

I'm not sure I can comprehend a "sun-like void"

The "sun-like void" isn't really referencing anything "real". Like Squalid picked up (thanks Squalid!), it really is about connecting the personal with the metaphysical. I guess the most pragmatic way of putting it is to imagine being inside the sun: a massive, extremely bright space. I guess there's some sense of the Afterlife in there, or a dimension beyond ours.

Oh, my -- "tetric" did you mean "Tetris-like" or "tantric"? It could read either way.

You're the second person to think Tetric was tantric, which is surprising since I never even thought about tantra when I wrote it. "Tetris-like" is exactly what I was going for. Perhaps I can make up another word that's a little clearer, without actually saying "Tetris-like"

Thanks for all your suggestions!
 
Top