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Precipitation (1 Viewer)

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Encouraged by Firemajic's dip into the archives, I've dusted off one of my own which might need shaking up.
I was once told that asking questions in a poem isn't a great idea, but I've left it like that for now.

I know what I'm trying to achieve with this poem, but I'm not convinced that I've succeeded. It did, and still does, trigger an emotional response from me, but that doesn't mean it will work that way for someone else. The title is intended to work on two levels:

Precipitation

Is it true that if you fear,
the world appears
to turn its hurt
upon your ears?

And if misused
from early age,
abused by others’ rage,
it’s bruises you exude?

And when you dare to doubt,
they shout and scare,
tearing at your will
and say they care.

But when no-one hears
your anguished cries,
those memories languish
in latent spaces,
where lonely tears
bleed upon
tomorrow’s seedlings.
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
I was once told that asking questions in a poem isn't a great idea, but I've left it like that for now.
.

As a reader I don't have a problem with asking questions in a poem. It helps to engage me as a reader and think beyond the words on the page.

I can't offer any suggestions for improvement - I like it as written, especially this stanza

But when no-one hears
your anguished cries,
those memories languish
in latent spaces,
where lonely tears
bleed upon
tomorrow’s seedlings.

I can imagine this as a spoken word poem.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

For me as a reader, I have no problem with the speaker addressing the audience with a question, I think it has been said already but it helps to create an emotional connection between both the speaker and the emotion of what has cause them to ask the question.

For me I do feel that the rhythm and metre utilised through S1 and S2 should be carried through into S3 and then jarred by that in S4. Why? I feel like their comes a realisation within the speaker but I think it would have more impact if this was represented in the piece, if that makes sense? S1: Question, S2: Question, S3: Question, S4: Answer.

Anyway, I hope I’ve helped in some way,

Cheers

Syd
 

apple

WF Veterans
Thank you for going into your archives. I do that quite often lately, as I feel almost void of any creativity. It hurts, but I still want to share and be a part of this forum. I love your poem Phil. I think asking a question works fine. I was under the impression that rhetorical questions were advised against because (definition) a question asked in order to create a dramatic effect or to make a point rather than to get an answer such as Why am I so stupid? used as an interjection and never addressed in the poem. Your poem is quite true and profound..

maybe the last beautiful line would stand out more if it stood alone. Also it isn't a rhyming line.

But when no-one hears
your anguished cries,
those memories languish
in latent spaces,

where lonely tears bleed upon tomorrows seedlings
 
Last edited:

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Encouraged by Firemajic's dip into the archives, I've dusted off one of my own which might need shaking up.
I was once told that asking questions in a poem isn't a great idea, but I've left it like that for now.

I know what I'm trying to achieve with this poem, but I'm not convinced that I've succeeded. It did, and still does, trigger an emotional response from me, but that doesn't mean it will work that way for someone else. The title is intended to work on two levels:

Precipitation

Is it true that if you fear,
the world appears
to turn its hurt
upon your ears?

And if misused
from early age,
abused by others’ rage,
it’s bruises you exude?

And when you dare to doubt,
they shout and scare,
tearing at your will
and say they care.

But when no-one hears
your anguished cries,
those memories languish
in latent spaces,
where lonely tears
bleed upon
tomorrow’s seedlings.

I am so glad you posted this one from your archives... poems like this one, is so important, we have to give abuse a voice, we have to shine a light in those dark places... silence is the abuser's weapon...

"those memories languish
in latent spaces"

Yes they do....

Thank you for sharing, I am sure it was not easy to write and revisiting this poem could have not been easy... **hugs**
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Maybe this poem says everything in that last memorable stanza? I'm wondering, if you removed the 'But' at the beginning, this stanza might be better standing alone and leaving all the revelations of the preceding verses to be surmised by their results? Readers might not interpret the single stanza in exactly the way you intended but, I think, the impact of early bad experiences is implicit in the words and may be more powerfully conveyed by not spelling out the details.

Just an idea to think about but it might not be what you're aiming for.
 
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