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Post Your Snippets For Craft Help Here (2 Viewers)

Steve_Rivers

Senior Member
Maybe Im mis-reading the context here but isn't it easier to just express that last sentence as "better someone else than me?"

"The real secret, the one everyone thinks but keeps to themselves, is: better someone else than me." ?
 

NajaNoir

Senior Member
Does that work for 3rd person pov?

It's possible I'm reading too much into it, I've stared at that one sentence/paragraph for so long, the words barely make sense to me anymore.
 

Steve_Rivers

Senior Member
I would think it should work, because you're not specifically referencing a person or a viewpoint, rather you're relaying a common-use saying from the general public. That's why I used the : to more denote you're relaying it as an example of such.

Like "The saying around town was: If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I know that doesn't include a pronoun, but hopefully that gets across what I mean. The narration isn't claiming a viewpoint on the words spoken, just relaying the phrase or idea. The secret, in this case, is what people think instead of saying and it just so happens to contain a pronoun. Fingers crossed that makes sense. :)
 

NajaNoir

Senior Member
It does, but I think I just changed it.

Edit: On second thought, after sleep and time away from staring at it, what you said works much better. Thanks!
 
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Llyralen

Senior Member
I've written something which I know needs to be developed. But is this correct and natural-sounding now?

Sara's childhood had been a disaster. She'd gone through an array of suffering and it was suffering which had turned her into a psychopath. She was 20 when she realized seeing other people's pain gave her a vague satisfaction.
Gareth, when she found him, turned out to be the perfect channel for her sadistic inclinations. She'd experienced a series of disastrous relationships with men who would run when she showed them her true colors. But in Gareth she'd found a mild, meek boy who would stay after she inflicted pain on him. She could make him suffer to her heart's content, like the world had made her suffer.
Work on "show, don't tell". The below gets into her thoughts instead of the author's thoughts. I'm realizing lately that many descriptions tell us more about the person who is describing than the person being described, so as authors we need to know when we are showing up in the story.

alpacinoutd wrote:
"Sara was 20 when she realized seeing other people's pain gave her a vague satisfaction.
In Gareth she'd found a milk, meek boy who would stay after she inflected pain on him. She could make him suffer to her heart's content, like the world had made her suffer."
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
How about I start putting snippets of dialogue in here. If I focus solely on that, I can break 'the habit' and figure out punctuation/ grammar. Examples are helpful but I think focusing on what I wrote, and if it works or not, and why will help me understand. I think the only way I can 'get it' is if I engage with my own examples lol (or that'd be the quickest way)

I've drafting (ugh) but I will try to put something in here soon. I was staring at my dialogue and I was like ?? is this correct or no? then I just got more confused trying to figure it out 😂
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
How about I start putting snippets of dialogue in here. If I focus solely on that, I can break 'the habit' and figure out punctuation/ grammar. Examples are helpful but I think focusing on what I wrote, and if it works or not, and why will help me understand. I think the only way I can 'get it' is if I engage with my own examples lol (or that'd be the quickest way)

I've drafting (ugh) but I will try to put something in here soon. I was staring at my dialogue and I was like ?? is this correct or no? then I just got more confused trying to figure it out 😂
Your dialogue tends to be pretty good. Try what I've said for a week or so until you've got it nailed. You can easily go back into those separate paragraphs later and adjust to your own tastes. The main thing is to get your mindset right so you then automatically do it, even if you DO put the narrative first before the dialogue. Like I said though, I would avoid making a habit of it. Dialogue has a flow and if you read most books that flow is clear.
 
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