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Post Your Snippets For Craft Help Here (3 Viewers)

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
I want to express the idea that a person's childhood has an impact on how they interact with people in their adulthood.

Is this correct?

Jack wasn't a people's person, not quite a psychopath but he was content with his solitary existence. Every time he tried to get close to someone, an invisible force pulled him away back into the quarter of solitude. His inability to connect with people, to truly love and care about another being was the remnant of a broken childhood.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I want to express the idea that a person's childhood has an impact on how they interact with people in their adulthood.

Is this correct?

Jack wasn't a people's person, not quite a psychopath but he was content with his solitary existence. Every time he tried to get close to someone, an invisible force pulled him away back into the quarter of solitude. His inability to connect with people, to truly love and care about another being was the remnant of a broken childhood.
Most times I hear the phrase as 'people person' not 'people's person'. In fact I'd be tempted to link the two 'people-person'. Psychopath is a tad strong. Did you mean sociopath? I'd consider focusing in on 'invisible force'. That could be your opportunity to express something uniquely yours. As it stands it's neither here nor there. 'the quarter of solitude' is too much, unless, again, you want to add something uniquely yours. If not, 'solitude' is all you need.

But yeah, it does express what you intended. Bare in mind though, you'd be wanting to show this rather than simply spelling it out. It's an important character trait.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Does this image require more description or is it clear? The gown was thrown open and draped over the throne:

She stood from the throne with grace and took up the gown in both hands as momentum brought both halves swishing together. She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers and teased the knot together as if uniting lovers.

My question is about the 'and teased the knot together' In order to do that she has to pull the cords outwards. Should I add that or is it implicit in the action she's done that in order for the knot to tighten. I want to keep 'teased' because it's a very slow and deliberate action, which is why I removed 'pulled in either direction' :

She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers, pulled in either direction, and teased the knot together as if uniting lovers.

IGNORE, I'VE OPTED FOR THIS:

She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers, teased them in either direction, and brought the knot together as if uniting lovers.
 
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Ajoy

Senior Member
Does this image require more description or is it clear? The gown was thrown open and draped over the throne:

She stood from the throne with grace and took up the gown in both hands as momentum brought both halves swishing together. She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers and teased the knot together as if uniting lovers.

My question is about the 'and teased the knot together' In order to do that she has to pull the cords outwards. Should I add that or is it implicit in the action she's done that in order for the knot to tighten. I want to keep 'teased' because it's a very slow and deliberate action, which is why I removed 'pulled in either direction' :

She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers, pulled in either direction, and teased the knot together as if uniting lovers.

IGNORE, I'VE OPTED FOR THIS:

She tied its cord once, stepped forward and tied it a second time, held the ends daintily between her fingers, teased them in either direction, and brought the knot together as if uniting lovers.
I was going to say I don't think you need the pulling detail (I think the action is implicit in knot tying), but you found a way to work in in nicely enough. Though I get the general idea of her tying some part of a gown around her...waist?....I'm confused by the opening line (and maybe in context I wouldn't be. Was she sitting and then she got up? Was she standing in front of the throne? I can't quite see this full image.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I was going to say I don't think you need the pulling detail (I think the action is implicit in knot tying), but you found a way to work in in nicely enough. Though I get the general idea of her tying some part of a gown around her...waist?....I'm confused by the opening line (and maybe in context I wouldn't be. Was she sitting and then she got up? Was she standing in front of the throne? I can't quite see this full image.
The gown was thrown open and she was sat on the throne. Obviously, she still has her arms through the sleeves, so, when she suddenly stands from the throne, the gown swishes together.
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
The gown was thrown open and she was sat on the throne. Obviously, she still has her arms through the sleeves, so, when she suddenly stands from the throne, the gown swishes together.
Okay, that is basically what I imagined. I think I was thrown on the mechanics of the gown, but it sounds kind of robe like in structure, is that correct? My default when imagining a gown is that the front doesn't open, but you're describing more like a dressing gown, right? I've sort of derailed from your original question though. Sorry about that. I think your revised line works and enjoy the image of the whole paragraph, despite my initial confusion (the words painted the picture; my brain just got hung up on my own prior knowledge.).
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Okay, that is basically what I imagined. I think I was thrown on the mechanics of the gown, but it sounds kind of robe like in structure, is that correct? My default when imagining a gown is that the front doesn't open, but you're describing more like a dressing gown, right? I've sort of derailed from your original question though. Sorry about that. I think your revised line works and enjoy the image of the whole paragraph, despite my initial confusion (the words painted the picture; my brain just got hung up on my own prior knowledge.).
There's a few little details and tweaks I'll be making at some point in the future just to clarify things. Yeah, it's a dressing gown. I'll actually edit that in now.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Is this correct?

Brook's gaze was fixed on the plane's rain-sprayed window. The Boeing 747 roared along the rain-slickened runway, and soared into the sky. She looked out the window, watching New York sink away beneath her.

What other options do I have instead of "sink away"?
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
Is this correct?

Brook's gaze was fixed on the plane's rain-sprayed window. The Boeing 747 roared along the rain-slickened runway, and soared into the sky. She looked out the window, watching New York sink away beneath her.

What other options do I have instead of "sink away"?
Personally, I think you need to find better words for "rain-sprayed" and "rain-slickened"
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Personally, I think you need to find better words for "rain-sprayed" and "rain-slickened"

What about this?

Brook's gaze was fixed on the plane's window. The Boeing 747 roared along the wet runway, and soared into the sky. Through the rain-spattered window, she watched New York sink away beneath her.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
What about this?

Brook's gaze was fixed on the plane's window. The Boeing 747 roared along the wet runway, and soared into the sky. Through the rain-spattered window, she watched New York sink away beneath her
There's no need for the first sentence.

The Boeing 747 roared along the rain-swept runway and soared into the sky. Through the plane's window, she watched New York sink away.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
What about this?

Brook's gaze was fixed on the plane's window. The Boeing 747 roared along the wet runway, and soared into the sky. Through the rain-spattered window, she watched New York sink away beneath her.
Kegan was correct about the two "rain" phrases in close proximity, but I'd also do something with the 747 sentence. It's a bit trite. You want to give something like that a fresh sound in your own style.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
I want to express the idea that a person's childhood has an impact on how they interact with people in their adulthood.

Is this correct?

Jack wasn't a people's person, not quite a psychopath but he was content with his solitary existence. Every time he tried to get close to someone, an invisible force pulled him away back into the quarter of solitude. His inability to connect with people, to truly love and care about another being was the remnant of a broken childhood.
And on this one, Az was right about "people person", and "sociopath" instead of "psychopath". In addition, I'd break that first sentence into two sentences. Both thoughts are important thoughts, so I like giving them their own space. Last sentence needs a comma after "being". You don't have to, but it would be stronger if you rearranged and rewrote it to get rid of the copula (linking verb), "was".
 
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Matchu

Senior Member
Brook gazed through a window.

insert pause here.

Her Boeing 747 thundered along the slick runway and tore into the skies above.

sound fx

New York sank away beneath her ass [ww].
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I want to learn alternatives. Just to expand my vocabulary.
It's not a 'vocabulary' thing. It's about viewing it in different ways. The reason I like 'sink away' is it expresses multiple things. Outwardly it describes the physical aspect of the scene, but inwardly it could be reflecting how she feels. You have the phrase 'sinking feeling' which means a sense of loss or bad things to come. 'Away' emphasis the distance between that possible alternative connection, moving beyond her reach. A memory she fears losing. A place she fears deserting.

Nevertheless:

she watched New York dwindle.
she watched New York fade into the landscape.
she watched New York turn into one solitary and insignificant spec of light.
she watched the grandeur of New York shrink.
she watched New York drop away.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Is there an adjective to describe the smell of plane trees?

I want it to complete this:

She decided to sleep in Jack's place in Kensington. She woke to the ..... smell of plane trees, drifting through the half-open window of his flat.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Is there an adjective to describe the smell of plane trees?

I want it to complete this:

She decided to sleep in Jack's place in Kensington. She woke to the ..... smell of plane trees, drifting through the half-open window of his flat.
First of all use 'at Jack's place' to get rid of that repeat. I wouldn't know what that adjective is. I'd research it.

edit:

[5] The plane does indeed exude a pleasant fragrance, which is sweet, balsamic, and faintly perceptible as one approaches.
 
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