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Post Your Snippets For Craft Help Here (3 Viewers)

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
As far as I know, and can't find anything on google to say otherwise, 'vanity' in relation to furniture, can be a number of things related to vanity (or self care.) To say vanity on its own gives me lots of options. It can be 'vanity storage', 'vanity mirror', 'vanity dressing table', 'vanity stool' etc. So when you say 'vanity' by itself, I have no idea what exactly you're referring to.

Maybe I'm the only person that will ever be confused. In which case, ignore. :) But how hard would it be to be more specific? Just in case ...

Just so I know what it looks like for future use, post a picture of a 'vanity'.
When I googled it, the last definition was NORTH AMERICAN dressing table.
you can have a vanity mirror, stool etc separate (and buy it on its own depending) but usually when its simply "vanity' its the general term for all of it. Like the mirror desk table altogether. You tryna make me sound crazy like the "tee" thing but IM NOT I SWEAR 😆
here is a small one

 
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Matchu

Senior Member
I only disagreed about 'vanity.' I understood what he wrote in the context of a theatre setting.

I am interested in writing.

You are interested in your own writing only, proclaiming at the same time how you have never read any books while establishing in 2nd & 3rd person perspectives sweeping, often red ink, proclamations on the subject of writing.

It does irk eventually. You talk about 'voice.' Wilfully and deliberately you misunderstand what voice means. A long history in writer groups where the tutor is always wrong?

But I am sensitive to shapes and sizes in this day and age and should only be kind. Some humility from you might be appealing. But then writer websites are about so much more than writing, I suppose.

All best
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
When I googled it, the last definition was NORTH AMERICAN dressing table.
you can look up vanity mirror stool etc, but usually when its simply "vanity' the general term for all of it. Like the mirror desk table ect



Yes, but that's why I'm pointing it out. 'vanity' in terms of furniture, relates to a number of things. Is the pot on a vanity stool? Is it on a vanity dressing table? Is it on a vanity storage unit? I don't know where the pot is and can't visualise what it's on because I have a number of options. Like I said, this may be something I've never come across before, but when even a google and dictionary search still doesn't answer the question clearly, then surely being more specific is advisable. Why not just put 'vanity dressing table' or 'vanity stool'?
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
As far as I know, and can't find anything on google to say otherwise, 'vanity' in relation to furniture, can be a number of things related to vanity (or self care.) To say vanity on its own gives me lots of options. It can be 'vanity storage', 'vanity mirror', 'vanity dressing table', 'vanity stool' etc. So when you say 'vanity' by itself, I have no idea what exactly you're referring to.

Maybe I'm the only person that will ever be confused. In which case, ignore. :) But how hard would it be to be more specific? Just in case ...

Just so I know what it looks like for future use, post a picture of a 'vanity'.
From my background knowledge (which could certainly be flawed), when referring to a vanity using that word alone, it would be the table with a mirror that you sit at to do your hair/make-up. If you google search vanity in images, you'll see a bunch of variations on the mirrored table, but it's all the same idea.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
From my background knowledge (which could certainly be flawed), when referring to a vanity using that word alone, it would be the table with a mirror that you sit at to do your hair/make-up. If you google search vanity in images, you'll see a bunch of variations on the mirrored table, but it's all the same idea.
So 'vanity' in relation to 'theatre' is the mirror and make up desk? OK. I've learned something new. :)
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
I didn’t talk with the living much.
I was always in the background, an afterthought. It didn’t bother me, actually, I preferred it. (Try: I didnt' bother me. Actually, I preferred it.) But I gained a bit of traction at work when someone started sending me flowers.(I feel like if being an afterthought was preferred, getting noticed wouldn't be referred to as traction. Maybe just something like: "But then someone at work started sending me flowers.") Yes me, a lowly theater extra. Marina, my guardian, wasn’t the culprit. She had sent flowers before, but these were sent anonymously. I couldn’t believe it when the assistant director said, “Looks like you have a secret admirer,” and sat the pot of roses on my vanity backstage.
Karen, a fellow extra, asked me if I had a boyfriend when she saw them. I quickly squashed that idea. Surely, there must’ve been a mistake. But when I reached for the tag, it clearly read in a cursive font To: Amber Autumns. Which ironically wasn’t a stage name. What can I say? I was born a star. (Is this meant to be sarcasm? Or a deep wish in oppostition to her stated preference of "being an afterthought"? I like the line, but I'm trying to figure out what it means when compared to the earlier sentiment.) The bouquet arrangement had a mix of soft pink, peach, and yellow roses. I looked on the back of the tag, spun the vase, even dug into the pot. Nothing.
Nice, tight writing. I liked it. :)
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
I would really appreciate some of your sharp eyes on this blurb for my query letter:

The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline—a nearly immortal people hidden away on Atlantis. The Godline population has since dwindled, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her violent experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

When Alexa Delmon’s magic manifests near the end of her sophomore year at college, she discovers she’s been hidden from the Godline world in a Nymph village in Alaska. Unable to rest because of the vivid dreams consuming her nights, she reluctantly returns home seeking help from the only family she’s ever known.

But just as she begins learning the truth, an Atlantian hunter comes for Alexa, intent on returning her to the queen. When her parents stay behind to fight off the threat, it gives Alexa and her sister enough time to flee with an unexpected ally—the prince of Atlantis.

The trio arrives in a new city with only the promise of meeting some mysterious Godline mentor. But Alexa isn’t sure how long they have before her out-of-control magic brings the hunter down on them again.
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
'Vanity' is okay - it is American or theatre English. Understanding emerges from the context.

The hardest part for me was realising to hop into character...the...not a young man a anxiety pen...but a woman in career. I was all ready to blast with a 'theatre extra?' What kind of good for nothing 'slug' works as a 'theatre extra?' But then I deleted my post after I asked the moderator to delete my post. And then I checked again to ensure deletion and had a short sleep afterward. Trauma pig & sexist..
Its American but the MC works at a theater (theatre) in her city. Does plays and whatnot.
Why did you assume my MC was a male right away? lol Seems to be the norm when I post anything (not just you) To be fair my first posting my mc was a male
 

Matchu

Senior Member
That was my point.

My 'assumption' being that I believe[d] you are male, I don't know why though...it doesn't matter. If you are a female person I will simply have to adjust and re-organise the boxing camp weekend. It's not a problem, buddy, mate, chap.
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
So 'vanity' in relation to 'theatre' is the mirror and make up desk? OK. I've learned something new. :)
not even just in relation to theatre. you just buy a table/mirror set for hair/makeup for your bathroom/bedroom. were you able to pull up my links of vanities I replied with? So you have a visual of what I'm referencing.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I would really appreciate some of your sharp eyes on this blurb for my query letter:

The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline—a nearly immortal people hidden away on Atlantis. The Godline population has since dwindled, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her violent experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

When Alexa Delmon’s magic manifests near the end of her sophomore year at college, she discovers she’s been hidden from the Godline world in a Nymph village in Alaska. Unable to rest because of the vivid dreams consuming her nights, she reluctantly returns home seeking help from the only family she’s ever known.

But just as she begins learning the truth, an Atlantian hunter comes for Alexa, intent on returning her to the queen. When her parents stay behind to fight off the threat, it gives Alexa and her sister enough time to flee with an unexpected ally—the prince of Atlantis.

The trio arrives in a new city with only the promise of meeting some mysterious Godline mentor. But Alexa isn’t sure how long they have before her out-of-control magic brings the hunter down on them again.
This is one for those who have been published I think. I've never done a query letter and, as far as I can see, this is pretty good.
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
That was my point.

My 'assumption' being that I believe[d] you are male, I don't know why though...it doesn't matter. If you are a female person I will simply have to adjust and re-organise the boxing camp weekend. It's not a problem, buddy, mate, chap.
even if I am or not, doesnt mean my MC is or is not. I like to write both (or attempt to at least lol)
 

Matchu

Senior Member
Yes, of course.

I stated only how I began reading in blue colours and then re-adjusted to pink, and then toward brown and green reading flavours. I was being so truly candid with the operations of my mind.

Probably I had been at work a long time and wanted to 'give it some' to those theatre extras [RAGE] as my despised tribe of the given hour. I liked the write. I tried to hop in but I only would have contracted/and deleted pronouns/most probably imposed personality :/....
 

KeganThompson

Staff member
Board Moderator
I feel like if being an afterthought was preferred, getting noticed wouldn't be referred to as traction. Maybe just something like: "But then someone at work started sending me flowers.")
I was going to change traction to something like attention. Someone is sending her flowers to her work and I do need to emphasize the attention she got from it. and go into that. and maybe afterthought isn't the correct work? I added that in (along with a few other things) when reworking it.

(Is this meant to be sarcasm? Or a deep wish in oppostition to her stated preference of "being an afterthought"? I like the line, but I'm trying to figure out what it means when compared to the earlier sentiment.)
its sarcasm, I just posted the first couple of paragraphs but a similar attitude pops up in the exposition/ narration as you read.. -it was originally in parenthesis but I was advised to remove them. and it was not the original beginning of the story, so when I first wrote it, based on the previous context it was probably more obvious that she was joking

Nice, tight writing. I liked it. :)
thank you! Glad to see my writing is getting to be a little less awkward 😆
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
This is one for those who have been published I think. I've never done a query letter and, as far as I can see, this is pretty good.
Thanks. After a lot of research, I feel pretty good about how the blurb functions overall. I was just hoping for some eyes on the craft itself--for clarity and concision.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Thanks. After a lot of research, I feel pretty good about how the blurb functions overall. I was just hoping for some eyes on the craft itself--for clarity and concision.
Ok, I'll be brutal with this. Cutting what I think adds nothing and changing what I think is slightly vague. Overall though, I still think it's well done.

1/ The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline—a nearly immortal people hidden away on Atlantis. 2/ The Godline population has since dwindled, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her violent experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

1/ Can you be 'nearly immortal'? Does immortal in the sense you use it mean they're invulnerable to harm or they'll live forever if not harmed. If they are immortal but can still be killed, I'd remove 'nearly'. But that still leaves a problem I think. Is there perhaps another word you could use or a phrase that suggests they live for an excessively long period of time? You could clarify by adding in the reason they've died, thus keeping the meaning accurate in the sense of live forever if not harmed. 2/ Here: 'The Godline population has since dwindled, victims of disease or famine, and their magical gifts have become rare.' I would still not be happy with this. I think Godline is enough as long as you suggest they live for many hundreds or even thousands of years. 1/ 'The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline. With a life expectancy far exceeding that of any human kind, they are viewed as immortal.' Something like that. That gives my second line validity and also gives you a reason they've dwindled.

The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline. With a life expectancy far exceeding that of any human kind, they are viewed as immortal. The Godline population has since dwindled, victims of disease or famine, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

When Alexa Delmon’s magic manifests near the end of her sophomore year at college, she discovers she’s been hidden from the Godline world in a Nymph village in Alaska. Unable to rest because of the vivid dreams consuming her nights, she reluctantly returns home seeking help from the only family she’s ever known. <- I'm not sure who this family is. Perhaps a little detail here.

But just as she begins learning the truth, an Atlantian hunter comes for Alexa, intent on returning her to the queen. When her parents stay behind to fight off battle (perhaps) the threat, it gives Alexa and her sister enough time to flee with an unexpected ally—the prince of Atlantis.

The trio arrives in a new city with only the promise of meeting some mysterious Godline mentor. But Alexa isn’t sure how long they have before her out-of-control magic brings the hunter down on them again.
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
Ok, I'll be brutal with this. Cutting what I think adds nothing and changing what I think is slightly vague. Overall though, I still think it's well done.

1/ The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline—a nearly immortal people hidden away on Atlantis. 2/ The Godline population has since dwindled, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her violent experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

1/ Can you be 'nearly immortal'? Does immortal in the sense you use it mean they're invulnerable to harm or they'll live forever if not harmed. If they are immortal but can still be killed, I'd remove 'nearly'. But that still leaves a problem I think. Is there perhaps another word you could use or a phrase that suggests they live for an excessively long period of time? You could clarify by adding in the reason they've died, thus keeping the meaning accurate in the sense of live forever if not harmed. 2/ Here: 'The Godline population has since dwindled, victims of disease or famine, and their magical gifts have become rare.' I would still not be happy with this. I think Godline is enough as long as you suggest they live for many hundreds or even thousands of years. 1/ 'The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline. With a life expectancy far exceeding that of any human kind, they are viewed as immortal.' Something like that. That gives my second line validity and also gives you a reason they've dwindled.

The Olympian gods left Earth two millennia ago and some of their descendants refused to follow, creating the Godline. With a life expectancy far exceeding that of any human kind, they are viewed as immortal. The Godline population has since dwindled, victims of disease or famine, and their magical gifts have become rare. Their desperate queen has spent the last three centuries forcing them to participate in her experiments to bring Godline magic back to their world.

When Alexa Delmon’s magic manifests near the end of her sophomore year at college, she discovers she’s been hidden from the Godline world in a Nymph village in Alaska. Unable to rest because of the vivid dreams consuming her nights, she reluctantly returns home seeking help from the only family she’s ever known. <- I'm not sure who this family is. Perhaps a little detail here.

But just as she begins learning the truth, an Atlantian hunter comes for Alexa, intent on returning her to the queen. When her parents stay behind to fight off battle (perhaps) the threat, it gives Alexa and her sister enough time to flee with an unexpected ally—the prince of Atlantis.

The trio arrives in a new city with only the promise of meeting some mysterious Godline mentor. But Alexa isn’t sure how long they have before her out-of-control magic brings the hunter down on them again.
Thanks so much for this! I'll work with your notes and see if I can improve those areas you've pointed out. The Godline can be killed (though it requires significantly more damage than for a human because they have magically enhanced healing) but they don't die otherwise...so I'll have to think about how to rephrase that section given your feedback.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Thanks so much for this! I'll work with your notes and see if I can improve those areas you've pointed out. The Godline can be killed (though it requires significantly more damage than for a human because they have magically enhanced healing) but they don't die otherwise...so I'll have to think about how to rephrase that section given your feedback.
What is thinning their numbers? Maybe 'disease and war' instead then?
 

Ajoy

Senior Member
What is thinning their numbers? Maybe 'disease and war' instead then?
Ah, right, I meant to answer that as well. The Olympians cursed them multiple times in retaliation for staying behind. Hephestus made 100 swords actually capable of killing the Godline and handed them out just before he left. Then Ares left a strife curse that made all of them more prone to violence. (Those curses did get resolved when one of the rulers sacrificed himself to destroy the swords). But almost immediately after that (ten years), Hera got mad at how the latest ruler was ignoring the prophecies (basically the way the Olympians have been trying to give directives to rule their descendants from afar) and she cursed the Godline with infertility (only allowing pregnancies in those she approves of for some reason). Godline magic is disappearing because the gods have terrible attention spans and the more time that passes, the more they forget to bless the few births that do happen (even though the gods are pissed at their descendants, they're also pretty vain and enjoy flaunting the talents of their descendants.)

So yeah...I'm trying to figure out how to get the essence of that across, understandably, in a phrase or a sentence. :)
 
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