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Photophilic Stories (1 Viewer)

stony

Senior Member
Photophilic_sized.jpg

I noticed how the beams of light,
Are caught upon the morning fog,
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.

What photophilic stories say,
In liquid languages unknown,
While blinking in and out of rays,
Is love of light and water sewn.

Small secrets shared in morning air,
From molecule to molecule,
On droplets kissed by golden flare,
The sight of billion tiny jewels.

From word to song the light will glide,
With evolution of sunrise,
The instrumentalists beside,
A line of minstrels in the skies.

The bloom of beams ubiquitous,
Play symphonies of radiance,
Their Mother Sun the impetus,
Of choruses spontaneous.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really enjoyed this to read. You do well to capture the image in the piece.

This being said, I personally think that the first stanza and the first line of stanza two are out of place and unnecessary to a degree. Why? I feel like they act as an explanation or a door to the piece which in actual fact you don’t need. We always bang on about showing rather than telling and I think you have it here in one piece, the first stanza is telling rather than showing and this detracts from the rest of the piece.

Hope this helps,

Cheers

Syd
 

stony

Senior Member
Thanks for taking the time, Syd. I thought on it a while and I'm not sure I grasp what you mean though. Maybe you could expound on what I'm telling that I could be showing.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think S1 does anything that the picture included with this piece doesn’t already do. I don’t think it’s necessary to describe the content of the picture. You do more to capture mood in the following stanzas. Don’t get me wrong I like the piece a lot.

I hope this helps clear things up.

Cheers

Syd
 

stony

Senior Member
Thanks again, Syd. I think I catch your meaning. I do start the piece off a little obvious with the first two lines of S1. I think I have an issue with poetry that hides the meaning or the subject too well because it makes me feel obtuse. So I tend to err on the side of being obvious. However, I think there is room for improvement within that first stanza. I sure appreciate you taking the time, sir!

-stony
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Could you start the piece from “Caught upon the morning fog”? That way you’re not hiding your intent.

Just a thought

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
View attachment 26160

I noticed how the beams of light,
Are caught upon the morning fog,
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.

What photophilic stories say,
In liquid languages unknown,
While blinking in and out of rays,
Is love of light and water sewn.

Small secrets shared in morning air,
From molecule to molecule,
On droplets kissed by golden flare,
The sight of billion tiny jewels.

From word to song the light will glide,
With evolution of sunrise,
The instrumentalists beside,
A line of minstrels in the skies.

The bloom of beams ubiquitous,
Play symphonies of radiance,
Their Mother Sun the impetus,
Of choruses spontaneous.


"I noticed how the beams of light
are caught upon the morning fog"
These 2 line are telling me what YOU see'''''

The sun within the droplets write
the words of sprightly dialogue

while blinking in and out of rays
is love of light and water sewn.... now you are showing me through fabulous imagery... the word "fog" is not important, the mood this poem creates is absolutely stunning...
You have the poetic voice and skill of a well seasoned poet...

When I was 2 years old, my GrandMam started reading poetry to me, all the great long dead poets are still very much alive to me, and I can hear their voices in this poem...
 

stony

Senior Member
"I noticed how the beams of light
are caught upon the morning fog"
These 2 line are telling me what YOU see'''''

The sun within the droplets write
the words of sprightly dialogue

while blinking in and out of rays
is love of light and water sewn.... now you are showing me through fabulous imagery... the word "fog" is not important, the mood this poem creates is absolutely stunning...
You have the poetic voice and skill of a well seasoned poet...

When I was 2 years old, my GrandMam started reading poetry to me, all the great long dead poets are still very much alive to me, and I can hear their voices in this poem...

That's such an enormous compliment! Thank you deeply for those words.

Also, thank you for articulating your suggestions so clearly. I have some ideas for revising those lines.
 

stony

Senior Member
Possible change to the first stanza:

Original:

I noticed how the beams of light,
Are caught upon the morning fog,
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.

Edited:
Behold the whispers of the light,
Inscribed upon the morning fog.
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Possible change to the first stanza:

Original:

I noticed how the beams of light,
Are caught upon the morning fog,
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.

Edited:
Behold the whispers of the light,
Inscribed upon the morning fog.
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.

I like it, and I think you are almost there, edit...

Behold whispers of light
inscribed upon morning fog
The sun within droplets write
words of sprightly dialogue...

I wish there was a way to edit out and rephrase so that you could cut "of" in the first line ...

are you pleased with it ?
 

stony

Senior Member
I like it, and I think you are almost there, edit...

Behold whispers of light
inscribed upon morning fog
The sun within droplets write
words of sprightly dialogue...

I wish there was a way to edit out and rephrase so that you could cut "of" in the first line ...

are you pleased with it ?

My only concern is I'm following iambic tetrameter throughout and I want to keep that. However, there's probably a better way to say it while doing so. Solving the puzzle is my favorite part though. I'll get there. :sunny:
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Well, take your time, this poem is a real jewel, so polish it carefully... a critique is just your reader's opinion, nothing more... you are the poet and this is your poem, while critique is a valuable tool, only you know what works for your vision and message... ;)
 

stony

Senior Member
Well, take your time, this poem is a real jewel, so polish it carefully... a critique is just your reader's opinion, nothing more... you are the poet and this is your poem, while critique is a valuable tool, only you know what works for your vision and message... ;)

I've never written with real critique so I'm over the moon to have yours. Thoughts on this?

Behold the whispering of light,
Inscribed upon quiescent fog.
The sun within the droplets write,
The words of sprightly dialogue.
 
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