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Personal Computer (1 Viewer)

McJibbles

Senior Member
Practically Crazy

Open your mind
and truly see!
What makes you so different
from me?

Lay down your prejudice,
Don't be a bigot!
Stop the judgement,
That's the ticket!

End this discrimination,
your silly war
simply isn't
worth fighting for

Lock up your tongue,
the devilish beast!
On hate and ignorance
it feasts.


...Oh yes, very, very good.


Give us your word,
Swear not to speak.
When outside the window
children shriek.

Seal up your heart
With burdensome stone,
Prostrate yourself
Before the throne!

Blind your eyes,
Yes, look away,
As everything you love
Is slain.

Lend them your soul,
You won't need it.
Give them control!
What lies you heeded
 
Last edited:

musichal

WF Veterans
Open your mind
and truly see!
What makes you so different
from me?

Lay down your prejudice,
Don't be a bigot!
Stop the judgement,
That's the ticket!

End this discrimination,
your silly war
It simply isn't
worth fighting for

Lock up your tongue,
the devilish beast!
On hate and ignorance
it comprise your feasts.


...Oh yes, very, very good.


Give us your word,
that you won't swear not to speak.
When outside the window
you hear children shriek.

Seal up your heart
With burdensome stone,
Prostrate yourself
Before our pity's throne!

Blind your eyes,
Yes, look away,
As everything you love
Is slain.

Lend us them your soul,
You won't need it.
Give us them control!
What lies you heeded!


Overall, I liked the poem. However, your transition from "me" to "us" and "our" did not work for me.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
:twisted: Mmmmhmmm....McJibbles...This was what I was hoping for!! Yeah! Original, exciting, mind bending.. More of my favorite things.. sooo, I am a happy poet...Musichal has some fabulous suggestions, so he has that covered.. Wickedly wonderful imagery and message... Thanks for sharing your poem with me.. Peace...
 

McJibbles

Senior Member
Good ideas! Musichal always has something great to add. Definitely took your advice for the Transitions. Firemajic, glad you liked it.

Thanks
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
It is much better for the edits, musichal suggestions were spot on. However, your original title actually did work. Personal computer, because that is what our minds are, is computers, complex, massive and occasionally over burdened. This piece speaks to the truth of what happens when we shut that computer down and follow along like sheep. It is a critical flaw in a powerful system and the analogy was apt. Overall, neatly done. Good use of the slant rhyme, too!

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom
 

McJibbles

Senior Member
For someone who doesn't do metaphors, your comparison of our will and mind to a computer was pretty amazing.

I'm on to you, seal woman.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Metaphors are abstract, something I cannot do. However, if there is a direct logical and linear parallel to something, a pattern, I can translate that into a literal one to one comparison.
 
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