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Peering through cigarette smoke (1 Viewer)

arkayye

Senior Member
Forget
the balm of barometric exuberance.
This night
no longer young, dissipates.

Recall
a dewy welcome of sun-quaffed green.
Yesterdays
revive severed umbilical dreams.

Peruse
this present but fleeting acumen.
Today
ceases yet emerges again tomorrow.

Ignite
that kindling of autumnal reticence.
Perhaps
genial kindnesses shall spring.



.
 

Abbey08

Senior Member
What did you do here? I had to go back and make sure that you are the one whose poems I like so much :sad:

I like your previous poems because of their directness and the images that you used. This looks like you did something I've done in the past that has derailed my own poems: it looks like you looked up every ordinary word in the thesaurus and picked a word with three or more syllables when a simpler word could be better. What was your intention of using all these multi-syllable words? Who was the reader you had in mind when you wrote? These are questions I've been asked about my similar poems.

The elevated vocabulary put me off in a major way; so much so, that after I scanned the poem and saw all the complicated words, I didn't even try to understand what you were trying to say. I know this is not what you intended from your reader. The best poems that connect with the reader are written simply. The subject matter can be complex, but the vocabulary must be accessible. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn.

Lorraine
 

arkayye

Senior Member
What did you do here? I had to go back and make sure that you are the one whose poems I like so much :sad:

I like your previous poems because of their directness and the images that you used. This looks like you did something I've done in the past that has derailed my own poems: it looks like you looked up every ordinary word in the thesaurus and picked a word with three or more syllables when a simpler word could be better. What was your intention of using all these multi-syllable words? Who was the reader you had in mind when you wrote? These are questions I've been asked about my similar poems.

The elevated vocabulary put me off in a major way; so much so, that after I scanned the poem and saw all the complicated words, I didn't even try to understand what you were trying to say. I know this is not what you intended from your reader. The best poems that connect with the reader are written simply. The subject matter can be complex, but the vocabulary must be accessible. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn.

Lorraine

Hello Lorraine!
It has been a while, hasn't it! And not to worry. I have not strayed from the path. I still write mostly in the language & style that you are accustomed to. What I have put up here is a little work from the experimental farm on the other end of the field. It was surprising to me that there are out there, avid readers of this type of vocabulary & expression. To me, if poetry seeped through & transformed each and every enclave of language & its use & function, then poetry would have been truly the formidable force that we know it to be.

I assure you, however, that there have been no flipping of thesaurus pages in the process of this creation, and that I never post anything up, willy-nilly. I am sorry that this is the image conjured in your mind as you considered my work. As a result, I shall employ the offered comments as a guidepost to my future interactions in this forum.

I remember the first time I ever attended a Neo-classic symphony. It was the hardest thing to take in in contrast to the norm. But I sat through it & though I don't have cravings to go & by myself neo-classic CDs, I have learnt to appreciate it & have even found a couple of composers to my liking.

Thank you for sharing your kind concern and be assured that I have taken them on board. As for this poem, it is what it is; now it's own creation. Like every child in the universe it has a special place & privilege to be here & to see some light.

We will be back to normal programming hereafter. Cheers.
 

Abbey08

Senior Member
Hello Lorraine!
It has been a while, hasn't it! And not to worry. I have not strayed from the path. I still write mostly in the language & style that you are accustomed to. What I have put up here is a little work from the experimental farm on the other end of the field. It was surprising to me that there are out there, avid readers of this type of vocabulary & expression. To me, if poetry seeped through & transformed each and every enclave of language & its use & function, then poetry would have been truly the formidable force that we know it to be.

I assure you, however, that there have been no flipping of thesaurus pages in the process of this creation, and that I never post anything up, willy-nilly. I am sorry that this is the image conjured in your mind as you considered my work. As a result, I shall employ the offered comments as a guidepost to my future interactions in this forum.

I remember the first time I ever attended a Neo-classic symphony. It was the hardest thing to take in in contrast to the norm. But I sat through it & though I don't have cravings to go & by myself neo-classic CDs, I have learnt to appreciate it & have even found a couple of composers to my liking.

Thank you for sharing your kind concern and be assured that I have taken them on board. As for this poem, it is what it is; now it's own creation. Like every child in the universe it has a special place & privilege to be here & to see some light.

We will be back to normal programming hereafter. Cheers.

Please do not confine your experimental writing due to anything I've said here :thumbl: I would have never thought that there would be a group out there who would write this way; then again, why not? There's someone liking everything :cat:
Seriously, when I was talking about the whole thesaurus thing, that was based on my personal behavior at one point in my writing. And...take a look over in Poetry Workshop to see my latest fight with the thesaurus that has not been well-received at all ](*,)

Lorraine
 

ktee

Senior Member
What I have put up here is a little work from the experimental farm on the other end of the field. It was surprising to me that there are out there, avid readers of this type of vocabulary & expression. To me, if poetry seeped through & transformed each and every enclave of language & its use & function, then poetry would have been truly the formidable force that we know it to be.

I am one of these avid readers, and I give you an A+ ;)

I love this. I love the structure you've given it, the minimal language. I had to read it a few times but in a good way; I wanted to really immerse myself in your langauge and imagery.

I can't offer any critique, I think it's great.


I'm not yet familiar with your usual style, but will have a look out of curiosity to see haw much of a variation this is.
 

Vitaly Ana

WF Veterans
I'm a fan. Definitely some obscurity mixed in to this poem but, it was mixed in with thought and you didn't get so obscure as to lose the audience (like I often do). I have one question and, that is: Why the choice of Peruse for the "set up" word of S3?
 

arkayye

Senior Member
Please do not confine your experimental writing due to anything I've said here :thumbl: I would have never thought that there would be a group out there who would write this way; then again, why not? There's someone liking everything :cat:
Seriously, when I was talking about the whole thesaurus thing, that was based on my personal behavior at one point in my writing. And...take a look over in Poetry Workshop to see my latest fight with the thesaurus that has not been well-received at all ](*,)

Lorraine

Oh, by no means Lorraine!
I know what you mean. Part of my aim in the craft is to push and tug at limits either way, which way to see how much give there is and find untrodden paths. Quixotic, perhaps but quite satisfying and interesting.

I am sure that the fear and apprehension some feel for the unknown and the different brings up defences and regimentation. There shall always be purists and formalists. But language is dynamic, changing, and progressing. And if I confined myself to expression to the barest minimum, then give me a 3,000 word lexicon and I will happily live my life communicating within such limits.

We must conclude that if we are not able to get ourself to take a sip of "strange" tea, then to just leave it well alone and enjoy what is more suited to us.

I am entertaining the thought of creating a version of this poem using the Least Common Denominators of phonemes and images and see the comparison. Might be interesting to see. :)

Thanks for the welcome back!
 

arkayye

Senior Member
I'm a fan. Definitely some obscurity mixed in to this poem but, it was mixed in with thought and you didn't get so obscure as to lose the audience (like I often do). I have one question and, that is: Why the choice of Peruse for the "set up" word of S3?


The haze of the cigarette smoke and the wee, trippy hours are meant to set the mood of the obscurity. As for the "perusal" it is a point in the poem where the persona lifts a lazy head of interest, in perusal of one's capacity for insight and observation... which then fades away quite quickly with the atmosphere of that drunken haze. I am afraid, the poem wasn't aimed to be straightforward. I hope it has gotten clearer, although I truly doubt that it would. Thanks you so much for your kind attention and much welcomed interaction. Cheers.
 

arkayye

Senior Member
I am one of these avid readers, and I give you an A+ ;)

I love this. I love the structure you've given it, the minimal language. I had to read it a few times but in a good way; I wanted to really immerse myself in your langauge and imagery.

I can't offer any critique, I think it's great.


I'm not yet familiar with your usual style, but will have a look out of curiosity to see haw much of a variation this is.

Thank you kindly, ktee.
I trust your weekend is treating you well.
This poem is actually tweaked a bit from an earlier version.
I was re-visiting it, to see how far the pioneering spirit could go,
not of course to discount the fact that there would have been others who have gone before me/us in their exploration of poetry applied to various types and use of language and jargon.

My only suggestion is reading the poem allowed in whatever fashion is most fluid and comfortable
and using your own natural rhythms and that of the words that have been employed, and to feel-hear the words
before allowing its meaning to sink in. In my estimation, meaning follows the sound and expression rather than the other way around. Hope that gives it a fuller experience.

Again, my gratitude for your kind and welcome interaction. You are much appreciated. See you 'round the site :)
 
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