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Passions of Force (1 Viewer)

Forger5992

Senior Member
Arousel un fragmented,
Embodied to its fullest extent.
Two bodys that would yearn in the discontent.
Passive slips of desire across my chest.
Seamlessly relieveing all that which is stress.

The release,
Passions of force.
That grip my body,
That ravage without remorse.
That embody my bones with a thrust yet unseen.
A power,
An exuberance, to the purest heart deemed unclean.
As I am ravaged
As I ravage thee.

By ME
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like is the wordplay in the piece, the way in which the writer is searching for the way in which to best express their passion. For me what I struggle with is that it feels like the rhythm of the piece is rather erratic, you start to build a flow and then throw it away and while this can be a device to emphasise certain points within the text, here it works to jar the reader.

For me I would look at the way in which stanza two is structured, there are points where you stop the reader and I think you should look at longer lineation to match stanza 1.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hey you,
Most of your poems are about passion, so I love that theme that you keep on going. I also like how the title repeats itself in the body. Strong closing.
For edits, I would say L9 would sound better "ravaging without remorse" and L10 would sound better with a line break between "bones" and "with".
Thanks for sharing!

-Annie
 
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