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Part of the sequel to my novel "The Girl Named Red" (1 Viewer)

anthonyjmcgirr

Senior Member
Tell me what you think. I'm wondering if it needs a re-write:


While Jenn was on the phone with the police, David was momentarily thankful he remained in shape despite sitting at a desk for a living. He pounded the pavement, sprinting as fast as humanly possible. The road dead-ended only three houses down from his own, so the distance was no problem.
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In his right hand was his trusty companion. His plan was now more elaborate. It was one thing to break into his house and disturb his kid’s sleep, but to take them from the safety of their rooms and disappear with them into the woods was another. Smashing the guy’s head in wasn’t good enough. First he would break the bastard’s legs so he couldn’t run from his fury, followed up by several body shots to the ribs and stomach. [/FONT]
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David didn’t realize he forgot his shoes until he stepped off the road and into the woods, the broken branches snapping under his weight as he ran. Still, there was nothing that could slow him down, even the thick brush slapping at his arms and legs. Dave let out a grunt as one particular branch smacked him dead in the face and nearly sent him crashing to the ground. [/FONT]
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He let out a curse before stopping in his tracks. Up ahead was the light he saw just a few minutes prior. He couldn’t believe his eyes. [/FONT]
In a clearing twenty yards away was an ice cream truck. It was still running in high gear; the red and white lights glowing in the early-morning darkness with smoke pouring from the exhaust. David jogged up to the truck and recognized it immediately.
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“Peter,” he said under his breath. That was his name. [/FONT]
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The inside of the truck was dark. David approached cautiously. He heard nothing outside of the rumbling engine as it idled. Why can’t I hear my children? What did he do to them? Every possible scenario entered his mind, good and bad. Maybe the kidnapper left them in the truck, but was spooked and ran away? Or worse…[/FONT]
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No. There wasn’t any room for worse. Only positive thoughts. [/FONT]
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The next question that entered Dave’s mind was how in the hell Peter got his ice cream truck all the way out here in the woods. He had to of driven through several hundred feet of thick brush that was difficult to even walk through, much less driving. He didn’t remember seeing any tracks or damage to the forest. Only the truck, sitting in the clearing under the bright moonlight as if it’s been there for years. [/FONT]
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David made his way up to the truck. He stepped into the opening, fully expecting to see his kids huddled together and waiting for him, but it was empty. He cursed and punched the chair. Where the hell were they? They couldn’t be far. David stepped off the truck and scanned his surroundings. Nothing but thick trees and limbs all around. Outside of the clearing, it was too dark to see anything. [/FONT]
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Then he heard it. A faint voice singing a tune. It was the same song on the truck. Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?[/FONT]
David took off, not sure of where he was going, but just knowing he had to get there. But the further he ran, the more he was convinced he was going in the wrong direction. The tune was to his right, then his left. When it was up ahead, it was suddenly behind him. How was that possible?
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As he started to resign to the fact he was lost, David heard voices behind him and pinpoints of light. They were calling out to him. The police were here and it was too late.[/FONT]
 
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E. Zamora

Senior Member
as humanly possible
That's kind of cliche.
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That was his name.

I don't think you need to say that.
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The next question that entered Dave’s mind was how in the hell Peter got his ice cream truck all the way out here in the woods.[/FONT]
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Seems like you have some tense problems here:

The next question that entered Dave’s mind was how in the hell did Peter get his ice cream truck all the way out here in the woods.

He had to of driven through several hundred feet of thick brush that was difficult to even walk through, much less driving.

And here:

He would have had to have driven through several hundred feet of thick brush that would be difficult to walk through, much less drive.

And it's had to have, not had to of.

Only the truck, sitting in the clearing under the bright moonlight as if it’s been there for years.
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And here: as if it had been there for years.

fully expecting...
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You don't really need "fully"
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As he started to resign to the fact he was lost, David heard voices behind him and pinpoints of light.

Kind of awkward. Maybe "Resigned to the fact that he was lost..." And it reads like he's hearing points of light.

Overall, I'd watch the cliche phrases and tense problems. I'd say it does at least need a good edit.
 
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