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Overloaded paragraph? (1 Viewer)

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Puellamagi

Senior Member
I have the paragraph:

Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.


And it seems to be a bit overloaded. The imaginary that stands behind it should be something very beautiful, but I have doubt that I have executed it in a proper way.
 
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bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
I have the paragraph:

Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay in the kingdom of nothingness. The Abyss was an endless entropy realm, where all shadows lay, in which even time and space had ceased to be, shackled with the umbral chains.


And it seems to be a bit overloaded. The imaginary that stands behind it should be something very beautiful, but I have doubt that I have executed it in a proper way.

For me, I don't mind it per se, but you're right, it is far too heavy and overloaded and abstract for general narrative. It's very tell-rich too, though if you had it as some sort of epigraph it could work. It could practically sum up an entire novel.

But for narrative, take us there. Use this as your guide if you like, but make the "escaping from grief" and whatnot actually take place. Don't just tell us Alle escaped, make her actually do it. What's she doing now? Kicking down a door? Snatching a broadsword from the metal gauntlets of an ancient warrior, now dead, gazing as reflected flames shimmer up and down its killing edge? What's so griefy about her current situation anyway? What is her current situation? Then, in among depicting that, season lightly with the epic voice I feel you're going for here, but without making it so dense that we can't actually see it.
 

Puellamagi

Senior Member
In the context is looks that way:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them as it would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. However, time would pass, and the grace would perish. The sudden loss broke Alle and afflicted wounds on her soul: her heart shrank violently under the press of sorrow. Crying in compassion to the fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains.

From days immemorial, einelias feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. With her sisters, she sought to prevent being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all, and nobody stood against it. The wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied. A terrible destiny was now coming: the cosmos would vanish as no one had left to oppose its moldering.


Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.

So the narrative is quite abstract on its owm. And on the other had the reason for grief is obvious. I dont want to lose the the sense of being and nothingness behind the words.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
I have the paragraph:

Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.


And it seems to be a bit overloaded. The imaginary that stands behind it should be something very beautiful, but I have doubt that I have executed it in a proper way.

I don't think it's overloaded at all. If it hasn't fulfilled what you had in mind, then perhaps it's actually the opposite. Perhaps you need to expand slightly on some of the information and descriptions.
 

epimetheus

Friends of WF
Hard to describe a hellish landscape as beautiful - most people will see an eternity of decay and kingdom of nothingness as frightening. If Alle sees beauty in it, that needs to be explored. I'd use fire as inspiration - pretty much the definition of entropy yet it can be beautiful.
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
In the context is looks that way:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them as it would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. However, time would pass, and the grace would perish. The sudden loss broke Alle and afflicted wounds on her soul: her heart shrank violently under the press of sorrow. Crying in compassion to the fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains.

From days immemorial, einelias feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. With her sisters, she sought to prevent being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all, and nobody stood against it. The wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied. A terrible destiny was now coming: the cosmos would vanish as no one had left to oppose its moldering.


Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.

So the narrative is quite abstract on its owm. And on the other had the reason for grief is obvious. I dont want to lose the the sense of being and nothingness behind the words.

Basically you need more detail, more minutiae. I mean, let's assume this purple text (and I am - luckyscars, I'm quoting you because you put it so well - I am something of a "grape" here), let's assume this purple text concerning ageless crafted bodies and ethereal beauty is Alle's inner monologue style. It's fine. But it's relentless if not tempered with anything else. Soften it with some boring old descriptions of a room and simple (though releveant and context-aware) movements


On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, forgotten among a scattering of sashes, fine cloth, pens, other objects. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but as Alle watched in the creeping numb state of the suddenly bereft, a shadow of charm was still with them. It would take ages to erase such ethereal beauty. Of course it would. They were her sisters - her kin and blood.

Yet time would pass, and their grace would perish. The sudden loss broke Alle and afflicted wounds on her soul: to the indifferent metronome tocks of the comtoise clock on the corner of the stone chamber, her heart shrank violently under the press of sorrow and she clutched her jade necklace in a reflex grasp. Lost in compassion for the fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains. They were her kin, and they were gone. From days immemorial, einelias such as she feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens, and now she knew why; why, through the nights, it had come in nightmares, whispering about the dying world. With her sisters, she sought to prevent being’s doom, yet that thought had not stopped this cruel fate. As she stood there vacantly, beneath the meagre light of the chandelier that swayed from the drafty blows of the tempest without, Death had reaped them anyway. Nobody stood against it. The wisdom had failed, reason was denied. A terrible destiny was now coming: the cosmos would vanish with no one left to oppose its moldering.

Except, perhaps, Alle herself.


Then she shook her head. That was madness, delusion. Or was it? Suddenly escaped from grief, she needed to move. The wind rattled the door and she seized the iron bolts and forced them back, revealing an open balcony that wrapped around the Tower’s top.

She stepped out, moved to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to its agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.

Well, no more. She kicked the door back and howled into the furious gusts.

So there, I tried to wind in with your text some more workaday accessible parts, in order to keep a story happening. I appreciate they may be totally irrelevant but that's not their point; their point is to illustrate what's possible. Otherwise the risk is that the text vanishes into itself, never to be seen again, which would be a shame, because I kind of like this.
 

Backstroke_Italics

Senior Member
I have the paragraph:

Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.
So... There are a couple things going on here. As others have said, there's too much telling vs showing to let the emotional impact really work. Each of these sentences could be broken up into actions that we actually see in detail. The clue is the large number of adjectives, adverbs, participial phrases, and prepositional phrases. These aren't bad, but when you notice that you're using a lot of them, you're probably not expanding your writing enough. But there is also something else. I feel bad saying this, and I may be alone in this opinion, but your paragraph read like teenage goth poetry. If I came across this in a real book I would put it down and never pick it up again. "condemned to agony," "endless entropy realm," "an infinite abyss forever raged?" This was very unpleasant to read. Again, I don't feel good being that negative, but I think it could help your writing to know that a few people might find this kind of thing cringey. My advice (for what it's worth) would be to bring the emotional content across through the actions of the protagonist, not a machine gun spray of imagery. Keep going, and write hard!
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
your paragraph read like teenage goth poetry.

Lol I know what you mean, but ... I actually don't massive mind that, and I say that as someone who is not a teenager and not a goth. Yes, it needs managing and control but I would say that it is coming from a fundamental place that has a style, and that is at least not boring. Nothing makes me drop a book faster than being bored by too much identikit beige text; I feel having a style foundation can work to avoid that.
 

Tettsuo

WF Veterans
In the context is looks that way:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them as it would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. However, time would pass, and the grace would perish. The sudden loss broke Alle and afflicted wounds on her soul: her heart shrank violently under the press of sorrow. Crying in compassion to the fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains.

From days immemorial, einelias feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. With her sisters, she sought to prevent being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all, and nobody stood against it. The wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied. A terrible destiny was now coming: the cosmos would vanish as no one had left to oppose its moldering.


Alle escaped from grief to an open balcony around the Tower’s top and came to the very ledge, observing the universe, condemned to agony. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay. The Abyss shackled the being with the umbral chains in the land of nothingness; it was an endless entropy realm where even time and space had ceased to be.

So the narrative is quite abstract on its owm. And on the other had the reason for grief is obvious. I dont want to lose the the sense of being and nothingness behind the words.

Honestly, I think you're missing the emotion impact because you're too steeped in the abstract. Just take a look at the first paragraph. You mention the sisters being disfigured, but later you opine about them being beautiful. The words are nice, but you dilute the impact of those words with vague metaphors. These deaths are visceral by your own account, but you've watered it down in the very next sentence.

"However, time would pass, and the grace would perish."

Huh? I mean, sure, I know what the words mean, but I don't see how or why you said that. Then you tell us the loss broke Alle. Why not show us? Here, is seems quite applicable to give us a visual of her breaking, not a toss away metaphor like you did in the next sentence.

The next paragraph is more of the same. Nothing concrete, just metaphors that are nice to read, but disconnected from the situation because of their lack of solid showing that could have added emotional weight to the scene.

People were just killed and broken... people Alle loved. We should feel the pain, see it and weep with her, not try to figure out the meaning of your poetic metaphors. At least that what I see.
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
Edit: In context there are many problems— problems well beyond being too heavy. This doesn’t read like someone who has really experienced the loss of a loved one. It reads like the author romanticizing about the loss of a loved one which you don’t want. Anyway, keep writing... but stay with your character more closely inside of her physical world. Try to be inside her body, not just her mind. Why were her sisters killed? Does she face the same threat? How is she living? Where does she sleep? How does she get food? How will she bury these sisters? I think just putting yourself inside the physical and practical of what is needed would fix this up and clean it up. Definitely keep writing.

I wrote the following in response to the OP.

It conveys emotion. Even though I don’t know why this character is in agony.
A few things standing out to me— the ocean doesn’t have to do with decay, what if you changed the word to “gray” which is more often than not the endless color of the ocean where I’m at.

Endless entropy. I think of my chemistry classes (I took 6 years of chemistry at uni ) when I hear the word entropy— something I have run equations for. I looked the word up to see if it had literary meaning— it looks like it does, but it’s pretty uncommon to use it that way, but maybe other people don’t immediately think in chemistry or math when they see that word.

Umbral chains— umbral is also a word not regularly used in English and definitely not often used in with chains— so it would be hard for some readers to read this paragraph without grabbing a dictionary which takes them out of the story when you most want them to be with you. You might want to consider “shadowy” which would be much more accessible for most English-speaking readers.

Im not against using unusual words or putting unusual concepts together, but it also needs to work visually for me as well.

I think the biggest question for me would be “Where does the Abyss come from?” When she looks out of the tower is the ocean the Abyss? Is there mist? Are there stormy skies?
i look out on a (often gray) ocean every day. It’s vastness can signal aloneness or something bigger than myself, either way. Rhythmic waves can be either monotonous or comforting. But it doesn’t often seem like an Abyss to me.. unless you make it that way with mist and fog, which is also fairly common. I have looked down from my cliffs onto fog. My town has been covered in fog where usually I look and see twinkling lights in the distance. Paint that scene more for me. If the Abyss has already been introduced as a concept then maybe the problem is that it is an excerpt and I don’t have as much context as I should have.
 
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Puellamagi

Senior Member
Well, I understand your concerns. The description of the Abyss is really tuff question. Because it is what is is: an ocean of absolute entropy, in which everything turned into sheer endless isotropic and uniform mess without any properties. No stars, no planets, no black holes - nothing at all as everything is already ruined long ago. No time, no space, just sheer matter without form or shape. The process of degradation of an entire world viewed in its limit. The Tower stands among the Abyss, the Beacon shines above its pinnacle and holds reality around the Tower from the downfall. So around the Tower we see how the reality falls from 'decent' state into nothingness of the Abyss. To be honest, it is hard to describe. So unwavering your question - there is no sky obviously, because everything is uniform around the tower, Sky does not differ from the ground.
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
Well, I understand your concerns. The description of the Abyss is really tuff question. Because it is what is is: an ocean of absolute entropy, in which everything turned into sheer endless isotropic and uniform mess without any properties. No stars, no planets, no black holes - nothing at all as everything is already ruined long ago. No time, no space, just sheer matter without form or shape. The process of degradation of an entire world viewed in its limit. The Tower stands among the Abyss, the Beacon shines above its pinnacle and holds reality around the Tower from the downfall. So around the Tower we see how the reality falls from 'decent' state into nothingness of the Abyss. To be honest, it is hard to describe. So unwavering your question - there is no sky obviously, because everything is uniform around the tower, Sky does not differ from the ground.

I edited my response. I should have waited a bit to reply.
If this is a fantasy world—- let’s say this tower stands in the middle of “The Nothing” from Never Ending Story, let’s just say.... Then it’s a completely different kind of moment than you could find in reality if she doesn’t have bodily concerns. So you’ve probably answered how did her sisters die? Why is this girl not in the same situation? You’ve probably answered all of that? To make Never Ending Story work visually they had to come up with gray broiling cumulonimbus clouds. Now that I know that, as long as you’ve explained The Abyss before then I’d think it doesn’t need to be changed... but I think your treatment of the death of the sisters does need to change.
1. Is the floor really ebony? Or just black? This is an ebony tower? That’s all okay in fantasy.
2. Who were her sisters, what were they like?
3. Isn’t she going to miss them? What then? What will she miss? Show me.

Actually your story of fantasy is reminding me of one of mine, believe it or not, but I think you still need to make the death of the sisters more and wrap all and detailed and just make sure the rest of us know if this person is basically super human. Does she not need food? And who... and how... are her sisters going to be buried?

Actually I’m not sure that this is a few paraphrases that can be analyzed on a forum like this due to concepts you’ve maybe introduced that don’t make sense out of context. I will remember this problem with fantasy if I bring any of my fantasy work here to the forum.
 

Puellamagi

Senior Member
To be honest. Sisters and Alle are einelias, the wise creature who built the Tower. There are only eight hundreds of them. No more, neither less as they dp not have reproduction: no children, no families in human sense. They all are female but it merely a symbol. They have crafted artificial body and live through thousands of thousands of years. And they are the only living souls in an entire universe, because the Universe is the Abyss, where nothing exists. The world is basically dead.
Einelias are sad creatures: they live boundlessly, witnessing the universe dying. To have a place to live they built the Tower and created miraculous machines (as they have prodigious technology that can do miracles) that creates artificial time and space to supplement the tired nature. Einelias live to sustain the machines working, so they live to exist without a real purpose, as the real purpose had been lost. And that makes them sad unconsciously. The more they live - more dark and mad they become until life becomes a hell for them. In that moment, einelia falls into a heavy sleep full of nightmares, until the machines would wipe her memories out completely so she can live once again. And the biggest einelian nightmare is the day when their forces would eventually end, and the Tower would fall into the Abyss, ending the their age. This comes to them in every final sleep, before the memory purge.

And, yes, Alle basically sleep in the mad condition as her consciousness got corrupted by the weight of the days. And we will follow her on her journey to nothingness to show einelian life cycle: from madness to madness, from sadness into depression. So the reason for the deaths of the sisters in sleep is simple: cruel time killed them all, they gave their lives one by one to give the power to the machines.
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
To be honest. Sisters and Alle are einelias, the wise creature who built the Tower. There are only eight hundreds of them. No more, neither less as they dp not have reproduction: no children, no families in human sense. They all are female but it merely a symbol. They have crafted artificial body and live through thousands of thousands of years. And they are the only living souls in an entire universe, because the Universe is the Abyss, where nothing exists. The world is basically dead.
Einelias are sad creatures: they live boundlessly, witnessing the universe dying. To have a place to live they built the Tower and created miraculous machines (as they have prodigious technology that can do miracles) that creates artificial time and space to supplement the tired nature. Einelias live to sustain the machines working, so they live to exist without a real purpose, as the real purpose had been lost. And that makes them sad unconsciously. The more they live - more dark and mad they become until life becomes a hell for them. In that moment, einelia falls into a heavy sleep full of nightmares, until the machines would wipe her memories out completely so she can live once again. And the biggest einelian nightmare is the day when their forces would eventually end, and the Tower would fall into the Abyss, ending the their age. This comes to them in every final sleep, before the memory purge.

And, yes, Alle basically sleep in the mad condition as her consciousness got corrupted by the weight of the days. And we will follow her on her journey to nothingness to show einelian life cycle: from madness to madness, from sadness into depression. So the reason for the deaths of the sisters in sleep is simple: cruel time killed them all, they gave their lives one by one to give the power to the machines.


Okay... we kind of needed all of that I think. Hmm.... wouldn’t time be a kindness, then? I suggeat making an outline so that you can see the plot.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
To be honest. Sisters and Alle are einelias, the wise creature who built the Tower. There are only eight hundreds of them. No more, neither less as they dp not have reproduction: no children, no families in human sense. They all are female but it merely a symbol. They have crafted artificial body and live through thousands of thousands of years. And they are the only living souls in an entire universe, because the Universe is the Abyss, where nothing exists. The world is basically dead.
Einelias are sad creatures: they live boundlessly, witnessing the universe dying. To have a place to live they built the Tower and created miraculous machines (as they have prodigious technology that can do miracles) that creates artificial time and space to supplement the tired nature. Einelias live to sustain the machines working, so they live to exist without a real purpose, as the real purpose had been lost. And that makes them sad unconsciously. The more they live - more dark and mad they become until life becomes a hell for them. In that moment, einelia falls into a heavy sleep full of nightmares, until the machines would wipe her memories out completely so she can live once again. And the biggest einelian nightmare is the day when their forces would eventually end, and the Tower would fall into the Abyss, ending the their age. This comes to them in every final sleep, before the memory purge.

And, yes, Alle basically sleep in the mad condition as her consciousness got corrupted by the weight of the days. And we will follow her on her journey to nothingness to show einelian life cycle: from madness to madness, from sadness into depression. So the reason for the deaths of the sisters in sleep is simple: cruel time killed them all, they gave their lives one by one to give the power to the machines.

Oh boy, you've got yourself a massive task on here. I think, for the sake of getting the feedback you need, you need to start from the very beginning again and build out more. There's so much to take in and consider when critiquing, it's impossible to put that critique in context. I would work on an overview of the situation, that clearly shows the world you are building and post that at the beginning of every thread. That way, at least people trying to help will have a chance of helping how you'd want them to. You'll still get help with the wording and presentation but people who get more involved with the aspects of the story will constantly be pulling you up on things they consider technicalities, things that aren't really technicalities but simply world events and rules they're not fully aware of.
 

Puellamagi

Senior Member
A bit of rework for the scene, did it turn better:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them. It would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. But time would pass, and grace would vanish without a trace. Alle’s heart shrunk violently: crying in compassion to her fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains. Why her beloved sisters, her family were far away, in the land of gone? Why now, such a sudden?

Without a single notice, life crashed, and Alle felt herself a stranger in the native home as without the sisters it was empty. Lost in memories, she stared at stain glass walls around the Core, but scenes of the past glory, once loved, only amplified the sense of loss. Not finding a place for herself, Alle stalked the chamber under Core’s indifferent glowing until escaped to an open balcony, belted around the Tower’s top. Wind blew between forged cornices and lancet shutters, whistling wretchedly. She came to the crenelated parapet, thinking about the latter.

From days immemorial, sisters feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. But now the ancient horror began to unfold on her very eyes, threatening to bring an epilogue for everything. With family, she always sought to prevent a being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all without a mercy, and nobody stood against it: the wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied.

Alle saw a terrible destiny coming: a cosmos would eventually crumble, as no one had left to oppose its moldering. From the very ledge, she observed the universe that would certainly fade as her sisters had failed all together. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay, witnessed an endless entropy realm, in which even time and space had ceased to be.
The Abyss was menacing. No more! Alle did not bear the view and tore her gaze away to the Beacon that shined bright above the Tower’s pinnacle. Its light sewed an artificial time and moved it forward; unwrapped a crafted space and extended it in every direction. The radiance held the tired nature from a downfall, but it faded in the twilight at the Tower’s foot, where everything turned into a shadow. The Tower stood lonely above nowhere land but never crashed as there was no place to collapse while the Beacon shone.

However, the darkness was coming, yet there still was some time to enjoy the light before the everlasting gloom. Bathing in the warm Beacon’s halo, Alle understood that life is vanity, and the sisters had wasted their days in vain, spent them on what should perish. Even so, she refused to gently go to the last night and desired to struggle for every moment of beingness. Not because it still had any significance: the battle was already lost. But as it was her doing over the millennia, the only dedication: if the aim is void why change the old emptiness to a new one?

To find tranquility in her restless heart before the upcoming strain, Alle came to pay the last respects to her fallen sisters as a final farewell. They still waited for someone to read short eulogies, stored within their faded soul gems as the last goodbye. Thousands of words to tell hundreds of stories with the same outcome… hundreds of tales to regret the dying life. And she would listen to them all, to the only remnants of her beloved family. Songs of the bordered existence that faced the limit:
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
A bit of rework for the scene, did it turn better:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them. It would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. But time would pass, and grace would vanish without a trace. Alle’s heart shrunk violently: crying in compassion to her fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains. Why her beloved sisters, her family were far away, in the land of gone? Why now, such a sudden?

Without a single notice, life crashed, and Alle felt herself a stranger in the native home as without the sisters it was empty. Lost in memories, she stared at stain glass walls around the Core, but scenes of the past glory, once loved, only amplified the sense of loss. Not finding a place for herself, Alle stalked the chamber under Core’s indifferent glowing until escaped to an open balcony, belted around the Tower’s top. Wind blew between forged cornices and lancet shutters, whistling wretchedly. She came to the crenelated parapet, thinking about the latter.

From days immemorial, sisters feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. But now the ancient horror began to unfold on her very eyes, threatening to bring an epilogue for everything. With family, she always sought to prevent a being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all without a mercy, and nobody stood against it: the wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied.

Alle saw a terrible destiny coming: a cosmos would eventually crumble, as no one had left to oppose its moldering. From the very ledge, she observed the universe that would certainly fade as her sisters had failed all together. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay, witnessed an endless entropy realm, in which even time and space had ceased to be.
The Abyss was menacing. No more! Alle did not bear the view and tore her gaze away to the Beacon that shined bright above the Tower’s pinnacle. Its light sewed an artificial time and moved it forward; unwrapped a crafted space and extended it in every direction. The radiance held the tired nature from a downfall, but it faded in the twilight at the Tower’s foot, where everything turned into a shadow. The Tower stood lonely above nowhere land but never crashed as there was no place to collapse while the Beacon shone.

However, the darkness was coming, yet there still was some time to enjoy the light before the everlasting gloom. Bathing in the warm Beacon’s halo, Alle understood that life is vanity, and the sisters had wasted their days in vain, spent them on what should perish. Even so, she refused to gently go to the last night and desired to struggle for every moment of beingness. Not because it still had any significance: the battle was already lost. But as it was her doing over the millennia, the only dedication: if the aim is void why change the old emptiness to a new one?

To find tranquility in her restless heart before the upcoming strain, Alle came to pay the last respects to her fallen sisters as a final farewell. They still waited for someone to read short eulogies, stored within their faded soul gems as the last goodbye. Thousands of words to tell hundreds of stories with the same outcome… hundreds of tales to regret the dying life. And she would listen to them all, to the only remnants of her beloved family. Songs of the bordered existence that faced the limit:

That is MUCH better. My goodness, you really can write. There's just a few things that need ironing out but other than that it's beautiful in my opinion. I'd post it as is in the Workshop area and let people have at it. Great stuff, man. :)
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
A bit of rework for the scene, did it turn better:

On the very pinnacle, Alle found her sisters in the Core’s chamber. They lay on an ebony floor, disfigured, breathless, and forgotten. Death took an innocent allure of their ageless crafted bodies, but a shadow of charm was still with them. It would take ages to erase the ethereal beauty. But time would pass, and grace would vanish without a trace. Alle’s heart shrunk violently: crying in compassion to her fallen sisters, she wept bitterly over their remains. Why her beloved sisters, her family were far away, in the land of gone? Why now, such a sudden?

Without a single notice, life crashed, and Alle felt herself a stranger in the native home as without the sisters it was empty. Lost in memories, she stared at stain glass walls around the Core, but scenes of the past glory, once loved, only amplified the sense of loss. Not finding a place for herself, Alle stalked the chamber under Core’s indifferent glowing until escaped to an open balcony, belted around the Tower’s top. Wind blew between forged cornices and lancet shutters, whistling wretchedly. She came to the crenelated parapet, thinking about the latter.

From days immemorial, sisters feared the age of decay, the certain end of everything under the heavens. Through the nights, it was coming to Alle and others in the nightmares, whispering about the dying world. But now the ancient horror began to unfold on her very eyes, threatening to bring an epilogue for everything. With family, she always sought to prevent a being’s doom, yet the thought had not stopped the cruel fate. Death had reaped them all without a mercy, and nobody stood against it: the wisdom had failed, and the reason was denied.

Alle saw a terrible destiny coming: a cosmos would eventually crumble, as no one had left to oppose its moldering. From the very ledge, she observed the universe that would certainly fade as her sisters had failed all together. Far below, an infinite Abyss forever raged. Mighty waves ran along its boiling surface, crashing with a clap onto the Tower’s slope. In that boundless ocean, she saw the inevitable future, an eternity of decay, witnessed an endless entropy realm, in which even time and space had ceased to be.
The Abyss was menacing. No more! Alle did not bear the view and tore her gaze away to the Beacon that shined bright above the Tower’s pinnacle. Its light sewed an artificial time and moved it forward; unwrapped a crafted space and extended it in every direction. The radiance held the tired nature from a downfall, but it faded in the twilight at the Tower’s foot, where everything turned into a shadow. The Tower stood lonely above nowhere land but never crashed as there was no place to collapse while the Beacon shone.

However, the darkness was coming, yet there still was some time to enjoy the light before the everlasting gloom. Bathing in the warm Beacon’s halo, Alle understood that life is vanity, and the sisters had wasted their days in vain, spent them on what should perish. Even so, she refused to gently go to the last night and desired to struggle for every moment of beingness. Not because it still had any significance: the battle was already lost. But as it was her doing over the millennia, the only dedication: if the aim is void why change the old emptiness to a new one?

To find tranquility in her restless heart before the upcoming strain, Alle came to pay the last respects to her fallen sisters as a final farewell. They still waited for someone to read short eulogies, stored within their faded soul gems as the last goodbye. Thousands of words to tell hundreds of stories with the same outcome… hundreds of tales to regret the dying life. And she would listen to them all, to the only remnants of her beloved family. Songs of the bordered existence that faced the limit:


It reminds me of some of my favorite fantasy (Patricia McKillip is my favorite followed by Robyn McKinley) so I will be excited to see more. I like the re-working very much and all the imagery you added. Keep writing! :)
 
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