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Ours So Truly Parallel (1 Viewer)

Nalkarj

Member
(Note: Hi all! First post here, though I’ve been posting poetry on Reddit for a while and am a mod at one of the poetry subreddits there. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten much productive feedback and would appreciate it. The following is one of my latest pieces; feel free to tear it to shreds! :))

She says, “We are waking now, my darling.
I’m sorry, Jim, we have to go again.”
I say, “Where do we two go when the world
falls apart and the waking world arrives?”
Her hair, as blonde as moonbeams (are moonbeams
blond?), shimmers as she slips on her chemise.
The tragedy is neither of us knows.
Does she have a job, a house, a husband?
Do I have some kids, some in-laws, a wife?
Does she remember, in passing, a life
equidistant? Does she see a building
that she thought wasn’t there or recollect
a sequel that was planned but not written,
as I do? One of these nights, I will have
to ask her, but for now we make goodbyes,
and, harshly woken by the sun, I can’t
remember why I feel the burn of loss
until someone at work mentions moonbeams.
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Nalkarj - nice to meet you, I really like your poem, the best place to get really good quality critique is the poetry and lyrics workshop. That should appear to you after you have made ten or so posts, if I remember correctly. If you ask them to get stuck into you they will not disappoint, but somehow I think you will get along with them just fine. That is the place you want. Good luck, all the best PG
 

LoveofWriting

Senior Member
A really beautiful piece, feels a little vivid and colourful when I read it. Shame I don't have anything more to say about it. Less dialogue-like and more narrative.
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Hi Nalkarj and welcome. :)

I like the understated tone of your poem and the shadow of backstories lurking beneath the words. I think all the strength of this one begins at line five and the first four lines are a bit superfluous. Try reading it without those first lines - in my opinion the whole poem feels more powerful that way. The way the moonbeams circle back to make an appearance again in the final line gives a satisfying conclusion to the poem. I enjoyed this one a lot and look forward to seeing more of your work.

jen
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
This piece drew me in from the first line. It was like when you start a good novel and you can't wait to see what happens next, except this is a poem(but the same effect).

If you decide to keep the first four lines, I think maybe line three should read, "Where do we to go when our world falls apart.

Love the last line and how it all ties together. Really enjoyed this poem.
 
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