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one essay for university of chicago (1 Viewer)

khan88

Senior Member
hi
Can someone proofread this short two paragraph essay for me? It is one of the essay responses for the University of Chicago. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could take the time to proofread it. Thank you

the prompt is
Tell us about a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed or add a category of your own.

here is my essay

Sayuri grew up in a small fishing villiage with her older sister and parents.
After the death of her mother, Sayuri is sold to a renowned Geisha house in the Japanese Geisha district of Gion. Now she must learn the art of seduction in the world of silk kimonos and glamorous hairstyles. Memoirs of a Geisha tells the story of a beautiful young Geisha with rare grey eyes. Arthur Golden is a Caucasian male who writes a story from the perspective of a Japanese, female Geisha. Sayuri’s emotions and feelings come to life and are very accurate. It is as if we are living her story, ourselves. The book makes the reader, themselves, experience and feel the transformation that Sayuri goes through from living low key fishing village to becoming a legendary Geisha. Arthur Golden achieved this by using strong, descriptive, metaphorical dialogue.

I have been attending Bartlett High School for four and a half years. Bartlett High School can be easily described as a gigantic melting pot of different cultures. I have met Arabs, Indians, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, Greeks, and many other types of people. My friends range all the way from Poland to Somalia. I have gotten to know many different cultures and their stories. I know myths from Egypt all the way to Pakistan. The study of different cultures has always been fascinating to me. That is why I am choosing to study the culture and politics of the Middle East. Reading Memoirs of a Geisha was a phenomenal experience because it taught me so much about the Japanese Geisha culture and life in Gion. I was impressed by the writing style of Arthur Golden and the fact that he , being a Caucasian male, could easily bring the character of a Japanese, female Geisha to life.
 
Last edited:

BillDugan

Senior Member
Greetings khan88,

The first paragraph does not seem to be a cohesive unit. It could use some sort of introduction, ala:

A book that I have recently read has become one of my favorites.

And then followed with:

Memoirs of a Geisha tells the story of a beautiful young Geisha with rare grey eyes.

And then the story synopsis you start the paragraph with. And then the rest of your paragraph.


There is a sentence in that first paragraph that seems to have a "number agreement problem:

The book makes the reader, themselves, experience and feel the transformation that Sayuri goes through from living low key fishing village to becoming a legendary Geisha.

"reader" and "themselves" does not seem to agree. I wonder if the ", themselves," clause could be removed altogether?


I am never really sure of "proper grammar", since I tend to ignore it whenever I feel a need to. But there is a part in the second paragraph that violates some rule about split participles or something like that:

can be easily described

I think it should be "can easily be described". (but, I might be wrong).


I hope you find my comments constructive. And, oh yeah .... Good luck to you.

Bill Dugan
 

khan88

Senior Member
thank you

thank you so much. That really helped. Can someone also edit this essay for me. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you

the pompt is: what is always popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular.

Here is the essay

"Middle Eastern studies? What are you going to do with that degree?" Most of my family members tend to have the same response when I tell them about my future goals. Some of them do not express their opinion, but I can usually tell by their facial expressions that they are not too fond of my plans.
Welcome to my world which is my family. My brothers, cousins and brother in laws have years of experience and highly established careers in medical or engineering. They are the proud alumni of prestigious universities from Berkley to the University of Chicago at Urbana Champaign. My younger cousins have already started their journey into the medical world.

“Look at your cousins. They have started their volunteer hours at the hospital and they are looking for good medical schools. If you do not like medical than why don’t you consider engineering? You have to become something in life,” my older brother always lectures me. The pressure of becoming “something” has created an extremely narrow road to success.
“Why don’t you become a doctor? They make good money,” my mother always asks me. She uses salary as a measuring tool for success. Many around me believe that eternal happiness can be achieved through enormous paychecks and those paychecks are the result of hard work. Now let me define my family’s idea of “hard work.” Hard work is when one goes to a prominent medical or engineering school and becomes “successful,” whether or not they are avid.

Success paints a different picture in my mind. Achievement comes from determination which is driven from passion. Success will move towards me when I write substantial books and articles about Middle Eastern issues. Success will run to me when I write a phenomenal master’s thesis. Success already comes to me, every time I finish reading an article or book about the Middle East. I am willing to put the time and effort required to complete my PhD. I want to dedicate my entire self to writing, researching and teaching about the Middle East. My history teacher says life is a mirror; you get out what you put in, ugly in, ugly out, pretty in, and pretty out. If I offer my honest effort and dedication, life will grant me with success in more ways than just a paycheck.

I cannot explain to my uncle why I volunteer at an Islamic Sunday school rather than a hospital. My older brothers will never realize what I am going to achieve by becoming a Middle Eastern expert. My mom refuses to believe that her daughter is committed rather than desperately holding on and waiting for the next big paycheck. I want to go further than the typical nine to five job and do community work, research, and write. My family cannot comprehend why I would not make a successful doctor or engineer.
I have rational facts that support the decisions I make. I consider myself to be “someone” and not just another "something" in my family.
 

Icywind

Senior Member
I LOVE this novel.

Memoirs of a Geisha is a wonderful read..it's vivid description of a Geisha's life transports you to another world...okay back to proofing...^-^


khan88 said:
hi
Can someone proofread this short two paragraph essay for me? It is one of the essay responses for the University of Chicago. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could take the time to proofread it. Thank you

the prompt is
Tell us about a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed or add a category of your own.

here is my essay

Memoirs of a Geisha, a rare jewel sculpted by the writer Arthur Golden, gives the reader a rare and heart-wrenching account of a young Geisha named Sayuri.Sayuri, who grew up in a small fishing villiage with her older sister and parents, is a thoughtful, and innocent girl.
After the death of her ill mother, Sayuri is sold to a renowned Geisha house in the Japanese Geisha district of Gion. Now she must learn the art of seduction in the world of silk kimonos and glamorous hairstyles to survive. Memoirs of a Geisha tells the story of a beautiful young Geisha with beguiling grey eyes. Sayuri’s raw emotions and feelings come to life and are very accurate to what a sold young girl would feel. The story is so absorbing it's as if we are living in Sayuri's world ourselves. The transformation of Sayuri from an innocent shy girl to a seductive and calculating Geisha is a bittersweet experience. Arthur Golden achieved this feat by using strong, descriptive, metaphorical dialogue.

I have been attending Bartlett High School for four and a half years. Bartlett High School can be easily described as a gigantic melting pot of different cultures. I have met Arabs, Indians, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, Greeks, and many other types of people. My friends range all the way from Poland to Somalia. I have gotten to know many different cultures and their stories. I know myths from Egypt all the way to Pakistan. The study of different cultures has always been fascinating to me. That is why I am choosing to study the culture and politics of the Middle East. Reading Memoirs of a Geisha was a phenomenal experience because it taught me so much about the Japanese Geisha culture and life in Gion. I was impressed by the writing style of Arthur Golden and the fact that he , being a Caucasian male, could easily bring the character of a Japanese, female Geisha to life.
The highlighted terms are my corrections...I read the book also...so don't worry.

Good job.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
"Middle Eastern studies? What are you going to do with that degree?" Most of my family members tend to have the same response when I tell them about my future goals. Some of them do not express their opinion, but I can usually tell by their facial expressions that they are not too fond of my plans.

Welcome to my world, which is my family. My brothers, cousins and brothers-in-law have years of experience and highly established careers in medicine or engineering. They are the proud alumni of prestigious universities from Berkley to the University of Chicago at Urbana Champaign. My younger cousins have already started their journey into the medical world.

“Look at your cousins. They have started their volunteer hours at the hospital and they are looking for good medical schools. If you do not like medicine, then why don’t you consider engineering? You have to become something in life,” my older brother always lectures me.[he wouldn't be saying all those things every time, would he?] The pressure of becoming “something” has created an extremely narrow road to success.

“Why don’t you become a doctor? They make good money,” my mother asks.[again, 'always' doesn't work well] She uses salary as a measuring tool for success. Many around me believe that eternal happiness can be achieved through enormous paychecks and those paychecks are the result of hard work. Now let me define my family’s idea of “hard work.” Hard work is when one goes to a prominent medical or engineering school and becomes “successful,” whether or not they are avid.[meaning what, exactly?... i don't think 'avid' is what you want here]

"Success" paints a different picture in my mind. Achievement comes from determination, which is driven by passion. Success will move towards me, I believe, when I write substantial books and articles about Middle Eastern issues. Success will run to me, when I write a phenomenal master’s thesis. Success already comes to me, every time I finish reading an article or book about the Middle East. I am willing to put in the time and effort required to complete my PhD. I want to dedicate my entire self to writing, researching and teaching about the Middle East.

My history teacher says life is a mirror; you get out what you put in. Ugly in, ugly out, pretty in, and pretty out. If I offer my honest effort and dedication, life will grant me success in more ways than just a paycheck.

I cannot explain to my uncle why I volunteer at an Islamic Sunday school rather than a hospital. My older brothers will never realize what I am going to achieve by becoming a Middle Eastern expert. My mom refuses to believe that her daughter is committed, rather than desperately holding on and waiting for the next big paycheck. I want to go further than the typical nine to five job and do community work, research, and write. My family cannot comprehend why I would not make a successful doctor or engineer, but I have rational facts that support the decisions I make. I consider myself to be “someone” and not just another "something" in my family.

hope this helps... good luck with your application... and i heartily approve of your pov!... if i were your mom, i'd be proud as can be... love and hugs, maia
 
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