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Old Dog (1 Viewer)

MrTickle

Senior Member
Hey guys, I haven't posted here in quite a while. Here is just something I wrote the other day spontaneously. Hope to post a little more often. Cheers



My eyes roll like a fruit machine,
jackpot, I’ve hit the whole lot,
but back-alley puddles reflect what I ain’t seen.


I ain’t all that hot.
Smoking pot at the age of Salem’s lot,
like blowing smoke into a bag of bones.


this new intelligence,
fades into wavy skies and talking crap,
like taxidermy with a battery pack,
speeding down that same old track,
seeing the sights of failure – high rises burnt to black,
maybe I’ll get more of a kick out of crack.





 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Hey guys, I haven't posted here in quite a while. Here is just something I wrote the other day spontaneously. Hope to post a little more often. Cheers



My eyes roll like a fruit machine,
jackpot, I’ve hit the whole lot,
but back-alley puddles reflect what I ain’t seen.


I ain’t all that hot.
Smoking pot at the age of Salem’s lot,
like blowing smoke into a bag of bones.


this new intelligence,
fades into wavy skies and talking crap,
like taxidermy with a battery pack,
speeding down that same old track,
seeing the sights of failure – high rises burnt to black,
maybe I’ll get more of a kick out of crack.



You've kept the language consistent throughout, so that does give a feel of what you're saying.

I might have gone for
'My eyes roll like fruit machine reels'
in line 1, because it's the motion of the reels you are using as the simile rather than the whole machine. Also, it can give someone the thought of reeling.

I've heard a bit about Salem's lot, but am unclear what you mean about the 'age of Salem's lot'.

I'm not clear on some of the specific references but I do get the flavour.

 
Last edited:

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
I think Salem's Lot is a Stephen King novel that came out in the 70's. That was my take on it. And I also had a feeling like this could be a good performance piece with its more urban language. Nice.
 
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