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Of Coins and Carrots (1 Viewer)

The Blue Pencil

Senior Member
OK, here goes:

Of Coins and Carrots
Dust settling over dewy fields
As tired farmers crinkle wondering of the yields
Why can’t they recall
Bones of Lucy her income unrelated to her fall
Wheat green blossoms grow
Turn yellow hues before the snow
As careworn creases adorn the cheeks
Of those who strained and worked for weeks
To see nothing flourish or grow
Be as free as a tomato
Developing with the season
Unhappy bankers remove their reason
Taking the blind leap
They become willows that do not weep.
Farmers rest their heads on the pillow
And sleep as a husband to a widow
Workers flying through the atmosphere
Hairs of corn tickling their ear
He was never more than a paper.
 

The Blue Pencil

Senior Member
Thanks for the critique, Drew. I agree with you that it ryhmes a little awkwardly, I jotted it out last night before bed.
There was, though, a meaning for all of the things that you listed.
The poem was about workers too obsessed with material things to reap anything, and about the benefits of releasing materialistic-ness.
Free as a tomato- be as unworldly and peaceful as a vegetable. I thought the vegetable analogy suited the farming theme.
The blind leap refers to the bankers releasing their attachment to money and reaching a higher level of being.
Who is Lucy- I'm referring to the ancient bones of one of the earliest hominids, who archeologists dubbed "Lucy"
 

SvirVolgate

Senior Member
I agree with iDrew; after you explained the lines I can sort of makes sense of those lines, but it might be good for you not to have to explain them. Maybe a little reworking to make those points clearer; try making your images a little more concrete

-Rob
 

Eli

Senior Member
i enjoy it

i sort of got the message from the beginning

what moved you to write this?
 

The Blue Pencil

Senior Member
i enjoy it

i sort of got the message from the beginning

what moved you to write this?
Thanks, glad that someone understood the poem. I was lying in bed listening to Albert Hammond Jr. In Transit and randomly wrote the first line, and the rest came from there.
 

TheFuhrer02

WF Veterans
Now this is one cool piece you have. At first, I was not getting the message, but then I sort of got it. What I liked about it was the way the farmers' toil and hardship were depicted. It really brought something to my mind.

On another note, I have to admit, I had no idea who Lucy was until that explanation you posted. The rest was so metaphorical yet so fluid. Some words were a bit awkward too, especially the "free as a tomato" phrase. Though you did explain it, I still feel awkward with the words, as if they don't fit.

Other than that, a solid poem worthy of praise, at least from me. :D
 
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