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Oblivious Fatty (1 Viewer)

Dylan di Vilde

Senior Member

On a platform lashed by sideways rain

we wait for the will-they-won’t-they train

the gale is insistent,

and shelter non-existent

the wind-whipped passengers shiver and quail,

left at the mercy of Northern Rail.


Suddenly I spy


a fat man nearby,

dressed head to toe

in weatherproof day-glo.


I ascertain his use to me


and head for shelter in his lee.

Nonchalantly passing by

I deftly hover smug and dry.

He doesn’t seem to move a lot

and doesn’t twig my cunning plot.


Some may judge the overweight – they sneer and demean


me I see a windbreak, a handy rainproof screen.

So whether it is chronic greed or simply faulty glands

I welcome his obesity and linger where he stands.


 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
This is one case where rhyme does no favours for a piece, instead it lends a sort of sing songy snideness that is off putting to a reader. As such, the tone of the narrator, while honest, is very hard to empathise with.

There is a conniving note to the voice akin to the quote of P.T. Barnum. 'There is a sucker born every minute.' It is the voice and actions of a thoughtless teenager, who would not hesitate to exploit those less fortunate. Not a style that encourages readers to linger.

Sorry, but my empathy is really for the guy in the slicker and in the hope that fictionalised as he is, he remains oblivious to the cruel, self serving thoughts of the narrator. It is a compounding effect of stereotypes, both those of the narrator and the slicker guy.

While it is a good piece as far as character study, (human nature) goes, it also bothers me on a fundamental level, quite simply because I do not understand why people need to be so pointlessly mean. Depending on the region where one dwells, this poor soul could be any one in four adults...But the question remains, who is the more oblivious, the man in the slicker or the narrator and their lack of empathy? More often than not, that which makes us uncomfortable, often makes us think more.

The idea here is very good and deserves to be fleshed out without the distraction of the rhyme.

- D.
 
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rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
there is a fine line in humor- some laugh and realize no offense was meant in a derogatory way while others take great offense when one group is maligned - there is a middle ground but that too has its hazards. I think your a talented poet with no ill intent, who likes to make people laugh and puts a funny spin on things-

Comic poets will always walk a fine line. It's when its done with malicious intent, then funny is not funny- I see no malicious intent in your poetry. But getting slammed is part of the comic poets territory- I see that you have a thick skin and a devilish sardonic wit-

warmest
bob
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
I dunno, I was just trying to stay dry. I never realised I was such a horrible person but thanks for setting me straight.



When pieces are posted, cardinal rule, keep it about the piece, not the author. Readers have no idea of the circumstance behind the piece. In all honesty, it is not their business, the writing is. My observations are merely opinions about the situation presented in the piece, not actual events. Take a look at the nouns and pronouns used. Not once does the word YOU appear. Narrator/he and the oblivious target. No personal pronouns and the highly specific term: Fictionalised...(This term in a nutshell establishes the fourth wall.)

I won't apologise for having an opinion, even if it is uncomfortable. I simply wrote down what I thought, but have never called anyone a horrible person. That is beyond the bounds of common courtesy. The observations are solely about the work, not personal in any way. Please do not make it so. If it is an issue there is the ignore list, or you can report the post. Don't break the fourth wall or if it is absolutely essential use the PM and involve a moderator. Do not attack a reader for thinking. (Insert strong armed guy cracking his knuckles...You folks know the trope.)

Behaviours are the work of an instant, things we are often unconscious of. Perspective is a curious thing. What is to funny to some will have different connotations to everyone. And while the humour aspect of this piece failed to appeal to one reader, it is an excellent example of character study.

- D.
 
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Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
You see life through humor and I love that! Much healthier than seeing through doom colored glasses. :)
 

De-Anna

Senior Member
I dunno, I was just trying to stay dry. I never realised I was such a horrible person but thanks for setting me straight.

I enjoyed the humorous imagery of the poem and feel that the situation is a reality that has become rather taboo. You have said it like it is, which I find rather admirable.
 
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