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Newcomer, hoping for some (contructive) critcism! (1 Viewer)

N

No_Eggs

Here's Just A Little Ditty I Wrote On One Of Those Days I Apologize For My Grammar, Or Lack Therof, Same Goes For Spelling. Also, Sorry If I Dont Make Any Sense In Some Parts.

***

What would you do if one day you woke up and realized that you had no talent, no special "thing" no real defining feature, only differences, however minor, from the thousands of other human cattle; differences which many people seem to think are a reason to kill each other over. Would you just lay down and deny it? Try to think of your talent... Would you go in search of something that you are the best at, no matter how degrading? Or would you just lay down, take a deep breath and die from the realization of how insignificant you are in comparison to our beautiful, yet terminally ill, planet earth, let alone everything beyond. Or would you be a good little human, settle for being the middle man, the average joe, another one of six billion ants scuttling around in a day to day effort to exist. And then, on your deathbed, realize that you have spent your entire life waiting... waiting for something out of the ordinary to happen, something special, and then die of monotony, crushed by the social machine, crushed into a small stone tablet, that can weather the tests of time where you could not, until it too gives in; to the vast, trundling machine that is our universe, crushed into dust to make more tombstones.

But then again, who gets to enjoy your life the most... Why oneself of course! And having something special, an exceptional talent is a way other people get to enjoy your life as well. I mean, who appreciates the inventor of a revolutionary product? The ones who use the product! Who appreciates the basketball player? The fans! Who appreciates the artist? The art connoisseurs! All these people are appreciated through something, whether it be the revolutionary product, skills at a sport, or piece of artwork. And why? Because they have talent, and they use it. So what happens to the average human cattle, who infest our planet like little termites burrowed in a sickly tree. They are born, they grow old, and they die... No second chances, no fancy shmasny afterlife, or eternal party with God, just one short measly chance to exist.

But don't feel bad because of the short chance you get to exist, at least you got more than the rock, or the fire. In the end it is all about how you spend that time, that short, infinitely insignificant, blip of time, not to make a mark only to be washed away by tides of time, but to make the most of being able to walk, being able to talk, being able to breath, hear, taste, see, smell and feel the hell out of the universe. In the end, thats all we really got... right? Just take a step back from all the hubbub of everyday living and really, LIVE everyday living, because, in the end, every day is one more day, and one more chance... right?

***

I Am Hoping That Someone Is Willing To Give Some Critcism On This :p

I'm So Alone Lolz :cry:
 

Logik

Member
First off it's a pretty neat idea.

It feels like it could use some organization or something to it. For example I feel like the first paragraph is pretty long but while parts are interesting it gives me a sense of disorganization. Some of the sentences are very long and drawn out (I know how this works, I just posted a story and I know the sentences are long... it makes the reading fast paced typically). I'd say try to break it up, some of the description feels repetitive so think about removing parts that feel like they're just there for the hell of it.

Try taking a weed whacker to it and see how much you can cut out of it, stuff you feel isn't needed and then focus on what you feel is needed. Human cattle seems weird, almost like you were searching for something like "Sheep" but didn't quite use that term. Cattle is herded... maybe go with that a bit?

Why is it you feel like you need to have some talent in your life? Or why should the reader feel like they should? On the same token why should they not just be happy with living? I think that's kind of what you're trying to get across but it's a little wishy washy for me. Maybe someone else can comment further on that and give you a better idea on that though.
 
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Eva

I think I'd have to agree with Logik on this point. However, I did like the first paragraph, it really felt like it was going somewhere. Perhaps the first paragraph would make a good intro to a short story. I'm a very visual person so sometimes I like to think of literature like a movie. In my head I can picture your opening paragraph being a type of chracter introduction for a seemingly average person. From there you could zoom in more on the charcter as an indivudual.
I hink you might need more direction. For example, whenever I start a short story or esssay I first try to think of what I'm tring to say. Sometimes I'll even write the ending first. If I generally understand where I'm trying to go with a piece of writing it tends to be better organized and clearer thematically.
Don't worry about just starting out, I'm new here as well and have yet to even post any writing. Good Luck and keep working on this piece, I think it could have some real potential once you think a little bit about your overall message.[/code]
 
N

No_Eggs

:)

Yeah, I just started rambling after the first paragraph lolz... I am always told to make things more to the point and stick to one topic... Ahh well :) I will try to slim this thing down to somthing more reasonable and linear.
 
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