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WasatchWind

Senior Member
Hello,

Online I go by the moniker of WasatchWind, and am a writer of fantasy and science fiction.

I've happened upon this site, and it seems more my wheelhouse than other writing sites I've frequented in the past.

I know it is frowned upon, especially on an unfinished draft, to ask people to look at your work, but I'd prefer to be upfront about it.

I'm writing a fantasy novel about an industrial age human nation fighting an ocean of fractured merfolk city states, the harmful imprisonment of merfolk to harvest their colorful scales for jewelry, and a young scale farmer's moral struggle between the dividing lines of this war.

If that sounds interesting to you, or you just want to throw me a bone, I shall provide a link to the google doc.


But if not, I'm fine just asking occasional advice, and hopefully helping other writers on their own journeys.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
This is not normally the place for a post like this ... generally, you'd want it to be in the Fiction Showcase, or submitted into Beta Reader requests following the instructions for that Forum. However, I hate to be too hard on a newly registered member. This is a great place (I've sampled other writer's forums myself and very much like it HERE), and I want you to have a warmer welcome than to immediately impose RULES. ;-)

I don't have an opportunity at the moment to read your entire Google doc, so I can't speak to the story yet. In skimming, I didn't notice any overt sentence structure issues, but you do have one thing you need to clean up. You have a lot of paragraph breaks where you don't need them. It gives the prose a choppy feel that can be corrected simply by including more sentences in one paragraph, where applicable. This was more pronounced in the early part of the story, because I did notice longer paragraphs later, but I still found examples throughout.

Welcome to the site. There is a lot of talent here, both in writing and critiquing. I hope you enjoy it. :)
 

WasatchWind

Senior Member
This is not normally the place for a post like this ... generally, you'd want it to be in the Fiction Showcase, or submitted into Beta Reader requests following the instructions for that Forum. However, I hate to be too hard on a newly registered member. This is a great place (I've sampled other writer's forums myself and very much like it HERE), and I want you to have a warmer welcome than to immediately impose RULES. ;-)

I don't have an opportunity at the moment to read your entire Google doc, so I can't speak to the story yet. In skimming, I didn't notice any overt sentence structure issues, but you do have one thing you need to clean up. You have a lot of paragraph breaks where you don't need them. It gives the prose a choppy feel that can be corrected simply by including more sentences in one paragraph, where applicable. This was more pronounced in the early part of the story, because I did notice longer paragraphs later, but I still found examples throughout.

Welcome to the site. There is a lot of talent here, both in writing and critiquing. I hope you enjoy it. :)
thank you, I was tentative about the sharing of my story on this first post. Some writing sites have gone mad when I even mentioned my book outside of the show and tell section - where no one would ever actually look at your work.

The formatting I do know to be an issue. Part of it is my lack of understanding of good prose formatting conventions, the other, I have people complaining sometimes when they read it on mobile when the paragraphs are longer.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
I have people complaining sometimes when they read it on mobile when the paragraphs are longer.
That's selfish critique, rather than helpful. Write to solid writing, not to a particular media. If people read it on their phone, that's their issue, not yours. LOL There are reasons to have one-line paragraphs, but they're the exception. If the sentences express connected thoughts or action, they belong in one paragraph. I'm probably not an unusual reader in that when I come to a paragraph break, I pause and get ready for the next thing. That's not a big deal in dialogue, but in the rest of the prose, you want to be in control of where the reader pauses, and there is your paragraph break.
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi Wasatchwindand welcome to our community. We are a friendly and supportive group where we all work together to achieve individual goals. Do stick around and become part of our community.

I am intrigued by your username. What is the story behind it?
 

WasatchWind

Senior Member
Hi Wasatchwindand welcome to our community. We are a friendly and supportive group where we all work together to achieve individual goals. Do stick around and become part of our community.

I am intrigued by your username. What is the story behind it?
Well, Wasatch is a Shoshone word beared by the mountains near where I grew up. I also am a big fan of The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker - I wrote a novelization of it to train myself to write fantasy.
 

WasatchWind

Senior Member
That's selfish critique, rather than helpful. Write to solid writing, not to a particular media. If people read it on their phone, that's their issue, not yours. LOL There are reasons to have one-line paragraphs, but they're the exception. If the sentences express connected thoughts or action, they belong in one paragraph. I'm probably not an unusual reader in that when I come to a paragraph break, I pause and get ready for the next thing. That's not a big deal in dialogue, but in the rest of the prose, you want to be in control of where the reader pauses, and there is your paragraph break.
I caved to it mostly becsuse I was desperate for critique, and no one on Wattpad, Scribblehub, etc was reading my book because they all read on mobile and complained about long paragraphs.

It was probably good though that a professional editor I talked to online cautioned me that I shouldn't have much of my story online if I wanted to publish it - that's something that I actually wanted to corroborate here.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
It was probably good though that a professional editor I talked to online cautioned me that I shouldn't have much of my story online if I wanted to publish it - that's something that I actually wanted to corroborate here.
You'll see discussion of "first rights" here, which means a work has never been published before, so a publisher accepting the work is the first to publish. I don't see how having your work available from your Google Drive could be considered as publication, but if you put the whole thing up on a publicly available forum or blog, that might qualify.

The Workshop Forums here are blocked to non-members for that reason, and you can also list your work in the Beta Readers forum ... but as I mentioned above ... be sure to read the rules in the sticky there.
 
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WasatchWind

Senior Member
You'll see discussion of "first rights" here, which means a work has never been published before, so a publisher accepting the work is the first to publish. I don't see how having your work available from your Google Drive could be considered as publication, but if you put the whole thing up on a publicly available forum or blog, that might qualify.

The Workshop Forums here are blocked to non-members for that reason, and you can also list your work in the Beta Readers forum ... but as I mentioned above ... be sure to read the rules in the sticky there.
thanks. I had about twenty chapters of my first draft on Wattpad, Scribblehub, and fiction press before I stopped updating them. I've had some people say, "oh no it's totally fine you can have it on there" - but I dunno.

I do hope to have my work published in print someday, and not just self publishing.
 
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