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Neither (1 Viewer)

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Soft Words

These words are quiet
neither cunning nor trite
a wink in the ripple's rise
fleeting and soft
the words no one reads

because they are neither
cunning nor trite
they are without stigma
but not without purpose

like a good dog
no one notices it

until...

they are gone
 
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Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I find this so intriguing... and profound... it reminds me of the poetry I wrote as a child and hid in a box under my bed... I did not trust anyone with my terrible secret, so I hid the truth in my poems... I love this... it also reminds me of YOUR poems, DarKKin...your poetry is "not without purpose"... you sometimes refer to it as "nonsense".... but it has a purpose, and it has a beautiful message....
 

LivingPoetintheFlesh

Senior Member
Neither

These words are quiet
neither cunning nor trite
a wink in the ripple's rise
fleeting and soft
the words no one reads

because they are simply
neither cunning nor trite
they are without stigma
but not without purpose

like a really good dog
no one notices it

until...

they are gone
How lovely, the writing is so beautiful and bold.
 

sas

WF Veterans
Neither

These words are quiet
neither cunning nor trite
a wink in the ripple's rise
fleeting and soft
the words no one reads

because they are simply
neither cunning nor trite
they are without stigma
but not without purpose

like a really good dog
no one notices it

until...

they are gone

Darrkin, I’ve been absent for a couple of years, and looked for you and a few others. You didn’t disappoint. Always worthwhile to read. I’ve three things to comment on:

Is there another title you could consider? Disclosing, in the title, a pivotal word within the poem makes it dead on arrival when read. At least, it does to me.

Maybe remove the word “simply”, which weakens the line, so it reads:

because they are neither
cunning nor trite

Why not make clear what a really good dog is. Not noticed implies they don’t bark. Consider:

like a quiet dog
no one notices it

This change eliminates ambiguity about what a good dog is and eliminates another weak word, “really”
“Quiet” also picks up the sound of the last word on following line, “it”.

I enjoyed your write. Hope you’re well. Best. Sas
.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
@Fire and LivingPoet

Thank you both for taking time to read and comment. It is greatly appreciated.

@sas

Great to see you back on the boards, and as always your critique is spot on. I did edit as suggested, but am keeping the good dog because quiet, does not necessarily imply the stalwart faithfulness of a well trained dog. The effort that goes into a truly good dog is constant. Like any skill, they require time and attention. A good dog is unobtrusive, but can make their presence known when needed.

My adored Rue Dog is just such a one. He is quiet and constant, always ready to wear the hat I need him to.

Zwi, our greyhound, is quiet. He is also as dumb as a stump and knows a total of about five commands. Down, out, kennel, wait, and come...He is a super sweet dog, but he is like functional writing, nothing out of the ordinary. And never an original thought.

Rue Dog is a whole different kettle of fish. Obedience, agility, medical alert (cardiac), and numerous other enrichment tricks. He is versatile and multifaceted. Dog version of a metaphor.

It is the difference between good writing and that which is merely functional. I'm aiming for more than functional and the 'Oh, how cute!' level.
 
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