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Narcissus (1 Viewer)

Elvenswordsman

WF Veterans
Had written a long intro trying to explain the significance of this piece to my own life. Perhaps I'll just post it and see what happens.

Oh woe is me
To be born into such tragedy
Surrounded by so many unworthy
Echo, Artemis or Aphrodite
For my God-like looks all women should bow
My stunning eyes, my perfect brow
My chiselled chin, my luscious lips
My toned body and my slender hips
While I walk the women swoon and sway
And fantasize of a non-approaching day
When the stars align and the Gods, they say
This is a couple who will wed today
But try as they might, none alive exist
As beautiful as I, but oh how they wish
For they know my standards, they know they are high
I will not accept any less beautiful than I
Though they are pretty, I must confess
If only Echo had been justly blessed
With beauty like mine, oh how willing I’d profess
My love unto her, oh to feel her caress
But ahead of myself, allow my regress
For I cannot allow you to think anything less
For my image through you must now be absolved
And through you my own defence will now be resolved
I lay here staring at the river Styx
And the image staring back remains somewhat betwixt
For I realize now that it is I staring back
But I cannot say there is anything that I lack
For a consistent companion is what I have here
Someone who loves me and holds me quite dear
A lover who asks nothing of me
A lover who’s proven of matching beauty
He asks me not for intimate favours
And fight, we do not, for we hold matching behaviours
We’ve proven ourselves as winners in love
Proving better matched than any above
To some it would seem our relations are odd
Unto each other worth more than a God
Throughout our time I have found trust in him
When the day becomes night and he disappears in the dim
In the morning he always returns unto me
Like the water up-current returns to the sea
I’ve found my partner not lacking in mettle
And my defence I’m very much ready to settle
For who can claim a lover so great
As beautiful as I, a perfect soul mate

 

escorial

WF Veterans
I get the feeling that trying to make this flow, rhyme as taken away rather than added to make it a steadfast piece..liked
 

Elvenswordsman

WF Veterans
Perhaps you could be more specific? Have I missed the boat by rhyming? Or ruined the flow by forcing it? And do you think it could be fixed?
 

escorial

WF Veterans
for me we all have a style and it's the first I've read of yours...what I consider a long piece I would break it up so you get a chance to take in what is alot of content..you either like to put rhyme into poetry or not and I always feel the longer the piece the harder it is to keep the flow going.
 

Elvenswordsman

WF Veterans
Ah, I see. I guess I was trying to go for the longer monologue here, delivered. But I suppose line breaks, a bit more editing, and it could perhaps breathe more easily.

Thanks for the input escorial, perhaps if you're interested I'll have you look over another piece I've written a while back. There are certain pieces that stand out in my mind as my favorites.
 

escorial

WF Veterans
put it out there kidda and let the world see what you got to say..look forward to reading some.
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi Elvenswordman,

I also enjoy writing poetry in rhyming couplets and for those who have never tried, trust me it's not as easy as it first appears. :) I enjoyed the poem but I think it would be easier to read if you used stanzas. I think as to meaning, you are referring to a meeting of minds as in soulmates rather than physical love. Probably I'm way of base here...? :)
 
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DoubleU

Senior Member
I tend to agree, in part, with Escorial on rhyme and rhythm. The rhythm of a poem won't simply lie in the rhyme or the rhyming couplets but in the number of beats per line. If a stanza begins with an 8-beat line, the remainder should match while also making sure to emphasize certain words or phrases along the way. This is where punctuation and spacing will help. If this were to be broken into 4-line stanzas with commas and periods separating thoughts and sentences, it will be easier for the reader to not only understand what you're saying but also to follow the musical quality that is expected. This may be the wrong approach but I normally try to hear a beat in my head as if I'm writing a rap song if I'm rhyming the lines - carefully counting out the beats and attempting to allow the thoughts to flow naturally while also choosing rhyming words (a truly difficult task). This piece isn't terribly flawed per se. I like it very much but some editing and maybe some revisions to match the beats per line will help to fully bring it to life.
 
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