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Nanolution Opening - (Violence, language, adult themes) -1500 words (1 Viewer)

Maz

Senior Member
Hi All,
After issues with attaching my story, and guidance that it is better to post segments, here I post the opening. (1500 words)

Chapter 1 – Adventure

Our story begins in the middle of a chase with two brothers running full pelt down a dirty back alley, the kind you find behind a strip of shops, the dumpster side of life where no one really goes unless they have to. The two are running, smashing through old cardboard boxes, leaping over trash cans, everything to get away from an angry store owner wielding an old bat chasing after them. But they aren't afraid, nor are they running scared, they are laughing as they clear the obstacles with ease. The big brother hip n shoulders a head high wooden fence and busts right through with a display of raw strength. His name is Jake. The other nimbly jumps over the fence with superior speed and agility. His name is Kale.

They both give a sly grin and finger in tandem to the shop owner as they have done on countless other occasions and they get away. Just as they turn the corner, with stolen six pack of beer in hand, they grind to a halt, skidding on their heels like a 70’s cartoon and almost crash into the parked police car blocking their escape and the cop, back turned to them, hearing the crashing sounds behind him turns in slow motion, eyes wide and revealing a face full of meat pie. He immediately recognises them as the small time local annoyances “The Hammond Brothers”. The stereotypically overweight cop jumps in the car as the brothers do a 90 degree “exit stage left” dropping his pie in the process. Sirens on, he follows them in the car down the street, but neither brother seem too worried, after all, it’s not like this is the first time they have been chased by the cops. In an almost ritualistic fashion, they split up onto either side of the street, sprinting to avoid the car catching up fast. Within seconds the cop has caught up to Kale, and over the PA system the cop yells out a frustrated “You’re not getting away this time, there’s nowhere for you to go.” But the brothers know these back streets well and Kale, in an instant, swerves to his right and jumps onto the hood of the police car with the crash of his boot bending the steal hood and causing the cop to screech to a halt. He launches over the car to the other side, joining his brother Jake. They both leave the stunned cop shaking his head as they run down another small alley where they know that the car can’t fit through. The cop sits back in frustration looking down at his crotch, not frustrated at the fact that they got away, after all, chasing after the Hammonds was a fairly regular way to start weekend, but at the fact that he had dropped his pie all over himself.

The Hammond Brothers are always pulling little stunts like this, they have always caused a little trouble in town, but at the same time, they are always there when some local army brats or tourists try to stir up trouble, and the Hammonds seem to always be there to sort it out. Many a bar room brawl, and the occasional drunken harassment has been put to an end abruptly with the fists of the Hammonds. Even though they do steal the occasional beer, everyone knows it’s more from boredom than being bad, and so even the cops don’t put too much effort into really catching them, it’s more just for show. The brothers look at each other and grin, Jake still holding the stolen six pack, having successfully escaped the cop once again. They walk down to the old basketball courts, their usual chill out spot. The brothers are your everyday small town delinquent teenagers 20 and 21 years of age. They are lying on their backs, looking up at the sky, sitting on the roof of the run down basketball shed listening to some younger kids playing on the court, not playing basketball, just kicking some cans of rubbish around.

They lie there drinking the beers they nicked, having a smoke. The Hammond kids, when they’re not getting up to mischief, they usually do odd jobs around town. Handy man jobs that no one else wants to do for some cash or smokes. There’s not much to do in this town, so they do whatever anyone is willing to pay them for. This morning they had the pleasure of being up before sunrise to fix the sewerage pipe that ran out of town. It was a tough job, but they are no strangers to hard work, and it was only when a section of the pipe they were mending burst, covering them in the combined excrement of the townspeople did they decide that was enough for the day and decided to get some beers and relax.

Over at the barracks, the only thing still keeping this town going, the local army guys would get these two to run errands so they can slack off instead of working. The two brothers are pretty impressive and there isn’t much they can’t do when they put their minds to it. Jake is the brawn, and when he was young, he used to play in his grandads workshop and so fixing things comes quite natural to him. At school his body matured much faster than that of the other kids, and physically he was that boy that looked older than all the other kids, his body was big and it was powerful. Because of his physical growth and maturity he excelled at most sports. If he wanted to he could have gone pro in something, but he never had the desire. And then there was Kale, he was smart, real smart. In his early school days he copped a lot of flak from the other kids for being “brainy”, and was teased a fair bit. But luckily he always had Jake nearby who would save him from any serious bullying, but those looks from the other kids always stuck with Kale and as he went through school he stopped using his intellect, and began hiding it. Not from himself, he always snuck away to read books on everything, he just kept it away from the other kids. As they were growing up, the brothers were inseparable, Jake would force Kale to exercise and play sports with him, and Kale would pour all this philosophies and learning into Jake, for the most part to no avail as Jake could never keep up with Kale.
So there they were, drinking their well-earned beers, listening to the sounds of tin cans being kicked around by the kids on the court. It was just another day.

The kids that are on the court are local boys, there’s not too many people in this town, and most people know each other, if not directly, then by family reputation. The three boys Zac, Lee and Will live in the army housing estate just past the basketball court, they go to school together and their fathers work all for the army in some regard. Zac, the oldest of the trio, is eighteen and a brilliant student. He is always pouring over books in the library and always has a research project underway at home. He is handsome and quite the eye catcher of many a girl in school, but he ignores the attention of others, and that probably makes him even more desirable for the schoolgirls. He is of much higher than average intelligence, his mind is always wandering to solving problems, and when he is not studying or investigating some scientific phenomena he hands out with his two best friends, Lee and Will. Lee, the big, thinks he’s cool, overly confident one that the girls don’t like because his overconfidence comes across as arrogance and rudeness. He’s a smartass, the comic relief, but strong and loyal to his Will and Zac. Lastly is the fatty..there’s always the fatty. Will, while he is not very fat, he does hold that “plump” look about him and he loves a snack, in fact, he is always snacking. A great comrade of the trio, but he is also the panic station. He is scared of spiders, dogs, confined spaces, the dark, open water, well pretty much everything. The three are inseparable, and on a day no different to any other, they are on the court talking about random things as teenagers often do. Little did they know, that this very conversation will change the rest of their lives and in a way none of them could have ever imagined.
 
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KRHolbrook

Senior Member
Maz, it's hard to read with it all clumped together. If you could add additional spaces for each new paragraph it would be easier. :]
 

Pelwrath

WF Veterans
Yes, adding some space between paragraphs would be nice. Why describe people as "your everyday........" My everyday could well be different that yours. You describe them, physically yet not everything at first, just what would be obvious. It has the feel of a 'list' in what description you do provide. Now, if such stereotyping was intentional, that would be different. Some commentary from the police, in the car they walked/jumped over. I also didn't detect a theme or setting.
 

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