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My very first sceen play (1 Viewer)

Neko

Member
This is my very first sceenplay, and I want to see if its ok. And if i'm doing it right becuase I neave did one before.
Its not done
The encounter
Scene 1


The Scene;
A dark and eerie castle it’s at night with the wind blowing hard at the castle windows. It’s the castle with long hallways, and at the end of the long hallways is a huge ballroom. In the ballroom is a man (corneal) and in the hallway is a girl (Ferris). There is a butler that takes Ferris to the ballroom to meet corneal.


(Ferris knocks on the castle door)
Ferris- I told him I am not waiting if it takes to long to answers. (Turns around to leave)
(A cracking noise from the castle door started. It was opening)
Ferris- (jumped back and stiffen’ her body)
Butler- Miss Ferris glad you could make it. Master was been waiting for you. Why don’t you come in (move to the side of the doorway?)
Ferris- Master that’s what you call him. (Walks in the castle, and close the door behind her)
Butler- (giggle lightly) Yes I guess so.
Ferris- WOW this place is beautiful. (Daze walking around the entrance of the castle)
Butler- Yeah Master likes it this way because it fantasizes the people, and they forget what there doing here.
Ferris- Figure there was going to be a reason behind the beauty.
Butler- (laughs out loud) Master said you would say something like that.
Ferris- Did he now
Butler- (laughs in a low voice) Come now we don’t want the Master waiting to long. He will be furious. Miss. Ferris this way. (Pointing towards the stair way)
Ferris- (shakes her head) huh I’m sorry. (Starts walking toward the stair way)
Butler- Master was been waiting for you for a long time now. He was hoping you would come back to him.
Ferris- (snorts loudly) Will sorry to bust your bubble, but I’m not coming back to him. I want to end this now.
Butler- (sigh quietly) I had a feeling you would say that.
(Stops in front of a huge door)
Butler- Well he been waiting. Go to him. (Slowly open the door)
Ferris- (slowly walks in looking around to find him) Hello?
She feels a hand on her shoulder and turns around quickly
 
Hm, interesting, though I think you need more for people to understand. And it kind of distracted me when this guy is a butler, most butlers have zero personality, and he's saying yeah and giggling. but it almost makes it creepy.
 
You've got a lot of grammatical mistakes in here that you need to correct. Remember: always proof read your work because if you send this in somewhere, they won't want to do it themselve. Acouple of examples: "I am not waiting if it takes to long to answers" this should be "I am not waiting if it takes too long for him to answer." Another: "Master was been waiting for you." should be "Master has been waiting for you." Also, make sure you keep your stage directions in the present tense instead of the past. You start in the present but then you switch to the past later on. Also, in the begging, you have to make the reader visualize every part of the scene which means you need to describe the appearance of the character or else when they go to find an actor or actress to fill the role, they'll have no way of knowing your vision for them.
 
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