Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

My Mother and Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" (1 Viewer)

Paul Benton

Senior Member
My Mother And Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho"


Eight years old and the night

hung out in the yard

around us, my Mother

in one bed and me in

the other one. What was

the date? -- I don't know

but it was getting late,

quiet out there beyond

our window -- the t.v. ,

not a huge one, glared

into our eyes as she

changed the channel

and after commercials

it came on, black and white,

two hours went by

and I was taken to a

limited place there beneath

the covers Years later

I found myself in a theatre

with a crowd of strangers,

feeling almost the same

way I felt in that bed,

my Mother nearby,

our quiet night out beyond

that window, everyone's

window, in my home town.


Paul Benton
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Very much enjoyed this piece, it does well to capture that feeling of watching/seeing something as a child that was perhaps a little too ahead of the child’s time. Structurally I’m intrigued by the double spacing, but I do feel that at times the way in which the piece has been structured takes away from the ebb and the flow, I hope you don’t mind but I had a play around with the structure, just to see how it would feel in couplets. I hope there is something that might help you with this piece.

Cheers

Syd


Eight years old and the night
hung out in the yard around us.

my Mother in one bed
and me in the other one.

What was the date? –

I don't know but it was getting late,
quiet out there beyond our window –

the t.v., not a huge one, glared
into our eyes as she changed

the channel and after commercials
it came on, black and white,


two hours went by and I
was taken to a limited place

there beneath the covers

Years later I found myself in a theatre
with a crowd of strangers, feeling

almost the same way I
felt in that bed, my Mother nearby,


our quiet night out beyond that window,
everyone's window, in my home town.
 

Paul Benton

Senior Member
Syd , Thank you so much for that (mostly) couplet look. I was thinking sort of that way and now I will no doubt change it up some. When I started putting down here in the forum I was had all the lines close together but thought it didn't look too good because of the whole situation. Anyway, your example seems very good to me. Thanks for your time and thoughts!

Sincere , Paul
 

RHPeat

Met3 Group Leader
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Paul

The form tends to suggest content as the night growing longer while hiding under the quilts. But the poem might become stronger if you had the lines read one under another for 4 or 5 lines and then do 2 couplets. and then go into the monostiches. then the night would start out normal and gradually get more and more elongated with the suggestion of deeper fear. As Olson and Crealey said: form is content and content is form.

You need to repost this poem in the forum to get more comments. You would have at least 6 or 7 comments by now.


a poet friend
RH Peat
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
like Sy'd couplets, in fact I thought that might be what you had intended but formatting from copy and paste went awry. I thought the tension in this drove me to read right to the end, not because I wanted to finish but because I had to finish, and then I reread it again straight away - always a good sign. Well done and thank you for the read.
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Hi, Paul. I agree with the general views expressed by everyone else. There is something appealing about your poem which, for me, comes down to the fact that you have kept it simple and understated the horror aspect. I think, by resisting the urge to elaborate on the horror, you allow the reader to supply their own reactions to this well-known film and thus imbue your words with the remembered terror that they, personally, associate with their own first viewing of Psycho.

I also agree that a bit of a change in the formatting would emphasise the points you make and guide the reader through to the conclusion, where the poet's memories of his personal first experience of horror is reawakened by another viewing of the film, just as the reader's memories are stirred by the poem.

For what it's worth, I've taken the liberty of rearranging your formatting as follows...

My Mother and Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho"
My Mother And Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho"


Eight years old and the night
hung out in the yard
around us, my Mother
in one bed and me in
the other one. another.

What was the date? -- I don't know
but it was getting late,
quiet out there beyond
our window.

the t.v., not a huge one, glared
into our eyes as she
changed the channel
and after commercials it came on,
black and white.

two hours went by
and I was taken to a
limited place there beneath
the covers.

Years later
I found myself in a theatre
with a crowd of strangers,
feeling almost the same way
I felt in that bed,

my Mother nearby,
our quiet night out
beyond that window,
everyone's window, in my home town.


Paul Benton
 
Top