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My Ithaki (1 Viewer)

dsaranti

Senior Member
"What I love in you is
Your astonishing beauty,
Your smile...
Your beauty is of a very unique kind…
I have not seen that before in my life…
Pure, elegant, distinctive,
Just simply, breathtaking….
What I love in your beauty
Is the shape of your eyes…
They are unique.
They are well defined,
Aesthetic, sculpted so beautifully.
They definitely remind me
Of those special eyes
only Greek Goddesses had...
What I love in you
Is the colour of your eyes…
It is a wonderful blue,
Full of brilliance, full of life…
It definitely reminds me
Of the deep blue of the Aegean Sea…
This refreshing, clear blue…
What I love in you is your beautiful mind…
A mind so crisp,
So sharp, so very quick…
I have had hours of conversations with you.
I admire you.
I am just so amazed;
I just can not follow you…
You are just too fast for me, just too fast…
What I love in you is your culture…
You are deeply educated, well rounded…
You know about books,
You know about classical music,
You know about art…
You touch me…
What I love you is your most pleasant personality.
You are smiling, easy going,
Relaxed, ethereal, radiant…
You are very sensitive,
You are a great romantic.
You have a most gregarious personality.
You are just simply, very, very sweet.
What I love in you is your CLASS…
This girl knows how to behave eloquently,
Stylishly, with a superb distinction.
You have an excellent upbringing,
You know how to talk, how to return favours,
How to, dress elegantly.
You have such an air of grace...
You are the kind of Lady that
Fits perfectly in Aspen, Monaco, St Moritz.
I love your beauty,
I love the shape of your eyes,
I love the colour of your eyes,
I love your beautiful mind,
I love your culture,
I love your personality
And I really love your class…
But there is something else
I love even more than all the rest!
I love your strong will…
Pure drive, pure determination,
Pure resolve…
This girl is iron willed…
She has so many achievements to show in her life…
All this because of your clever mind
and your strong willpower…
I am attracted to You,
I care for You,
I admire You,
I believe in You,
I love You,
I share my deepest secrets with You;
I trust You so much…

I have travelled my long Odyssey all these endless years;
I was looking everywhere for my Ithaki
But I could not find it anywhere;
Anywhere at all;
And I have travelled long days,
Days without an end,
Days with lots of pain and tribulations.
I have travelled to the end of the world...
My Ithaki was nowhere to be found...
And yet,
Finally, one day,
I found my beloved Ithaki.
My Ithaki is friendship,
My Ithaki is love...
That is my Ithaki...
I have this wonderful,
Sweet feeling of being close to someone
With warmth,
Who believes in me,
Cares for me, trusts me,
Shares all these same wonderful feelings with me...
I feel joy, pure joy;
After all these years I have found my Ithaki...,
Forever...
I am a dreamer
And my dreams have come true...
I have found my Ithaki...

What I love the very most in You
Is the priceless treasure I have found inside You...
I have found my own Ithaki,
My Ithaki, at last...
Ithaki is a secret,
Our own secret...

You are such a beautiful person ELAINE...
A person to share with...
Thank you for being my Ithaki...
The long,
Long journey was well worth it...
Yes, my ELAINE, it was!!!”
 
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Bachelorette

WF Veterans
Well, in some ways this is very sweet, in that I can tell this piece means a lot to you because the person it's about means a lot to you.

However, it's all telling. You're telling me about this woman's qualities, rather than showing me that she has them. Showing is a much more powerful tool than telling. You've also infested this piece with cliches, but we'll get to that in a minute. Let's look at the first bit here:

What I love in you is
Your astonishing beauty,
Your smile...
Your beauty is of a very unique kind…
I have not seen that before in my life…
Pure, elegant, distinctive,
Just simply, breathtaking….

The first two lines, while not especially attention-grabbing, are not terrible. But then you just say, "Your smile." What is it about her smile that is so astonishing? You want to create an image in your reader's mind of what this woman's smile is like, instead of just saying, "I love your smile." That phrase is essentially meaningless unless you take it to a more personal level. Here's an example, from a pop song of all things, but that's just because I don't read much love poetry and can't think of another one:

Your crazy kitten smile.

That's a startling, unique image. It evokes a feeling, and I can almost see the girl's smiling face in my mind, and exactly HOW she's smiling.

Then you talk about how unique her beauty is. Well, what about it is unique? Simply telling the reader that she's unique communicates absolutely nothing about what she really looks like. Remember, you're trying to create an image in the reader's mind. That doesn't mean that you describe her in minute detail (i.e., "Well, she's got blue eyes, and one of her eyes is slightly larger than the other, and she has a cute nose that's not too big and isn't crooked..." etc. etc.) it means using a simile or a metaphor to try and describe to the reader what is so special about her beauty. Here's another example of what I mean:

Her hair falling down
her shoulders,
all smooth and rich like
chocolate fudge
on vanilla ice cream

That’s not a great example, but see what it’s showing us about her looks? We can imagine long, silky, shiny brown hair against pale skin like vanilla ice cream. We can even make the connection that she’s good-looking, because most people like the look of a hot fudge sundae, or maybe that she’s a sweet person, like ice cream is sweet.


Do you see all the connections that simple simile can create in someone’s mind? That’s the kind of thing you want to do in poetry. Don’t just TELL me your girl is unique. SHOW me through concrete images why she is unique. I’ll use another example, this time from your own poem:

They definitely remind me
Of those special eyes
only Greek Goddesses had...
What I love in you
Is the colour of your eyes…
It is a wonderful blue,
Full of brilliance, full of life…
It definitely reminds me
Of the deep blue of the Aegean Sea…
This refreshing, clear blue…

You've kind of got the right idea here. Leave out those unnecessary -ly words (definitely) and use these images (the Aegean Sea, the Greek goddesses) to describe her instead. Ideally, it would run something like this:

Your eyes are those
only Greek Goddesses had...
the refreshing blue of the Aegean Sea…

See how much tighter that is, and how it has a bit more impact because of that? I like the idea of you describing her eyes as "refreshing." That's a good image in my mind, makes me think of clear, cool water on a hot day, and that's what it's like for you when you look in her eyes. That's the kind of image you want to shoot for. You also don't want to get too wordy. You've already got a decent metaphor in "Aegean Sea", so you don't need to tell me right after that that her eyes are blue; I've already figured that out.

All in all, I understand that you're trying to tell the world how special this girl is to you, and that's fine. But try to do so in a way that surprises the reader, rather than boring him. Try to do it in a way that shows, not what you idealize her to be, but what she actually is. Don't spit out cliches, and don't inundate the reader with meaningless telling.

Anyway, I hope some of that was helpful. Keep at it and post your revisions; I'm interested to see what kind of changes you'll make.
 

Flapjack

Senior Member
Welcome to WF, dsaranti! Thank you for posting such a personal piece.

As you requested, I'll let you digest Bachelorette's comments. Please let us know once you've had a chance to make any changes, so that I can take a second look.

I will mention one thing. You will find that almost all the poets at Writing Forums use left align for their poetry. While centering poems might seem more aesthetically pleasing, the truth is it makes reading them a tad difficult. Left-aligning will make enjoying your work much more.....enjoyable :D.

Naturally, there is an exception. If you create an important shape/image with the body of text, then you should certainly structure it so we can see that. Since this is rare, I think it's safe to say it's almost always best to left align.

Thanks again for joining and giving us this great piece. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Alex
 

candid petunia

Retired Supervisor
Welcome to the site, dsaranti. :)

A really nice poem. Created a clear picture in my mind. The fact that it's personal makes it more appealing.

Much enjoyed. Keep posting. :)
 

dsaranti

Senior Member
Dear Bachelorette. First let me thank you for your time and efforts to “try” and correct my poetry. An introduction first. I’m an Engineer and an MBA; a very “practical, square person. Except school I had never written or read any poetry. When I met my girl friend, Elaine, she once sent one romantic line in an email. One thing led to another and I wrote “My Ithaki” and she replied with “Our Ithaki” which I will post further down. You are absolutely right: this poem is very impulsive, intuitive, and original and it opens my heart to Elaine. That was its purpose. I never thought of poetry techniques of which I know nothing anyway in any case.
Now I will try hard to understand your points and I have made my changes in red. I will continue through out the poem with all tou taught me

hat I love in you is
Your astonishing beauty,
Your sparkling and amorous smile...
Your beauty is of a very unique kind…
When you have your hear pulled up
Your thin, sleek face
With its snow white, smooth as silk
Perfectly pure, smooth skin
You remind me of the most beautiful
Greek woman, ever, Helen of Troy.

I have not seen that before in my life…
Pure, elegant, distinctive,
Just simply, breathtaking….
What I love in your beauty
Is the shape of your eyes…
They are unique.
They are well defined,
Aesthetic, sculpted so beautifully.
They remind me
Of those special eyes
only Greek Goddesses had...
What I love in you
Is the color of your eyes…
The refreshing crystal blue
The deep blue of the Aegean Sea…

What I love in you is your beautiful mind…
A mind so crisp,
So sharp, so very quick…
I have had hours of conversations with you.
I admire you.
I am just so amazed;
I just can not follow you…
You are just too fast for me, just too fast…
What I love in you is your culture…
You are deeply educated, well rounded…
You know about books,
You know about classical music,
You were a violin
nation wide
Contest winner.

You know about art…
You touch me…
What I love you is your most pleasant personality.
You are smiling, easy going,
You always excuse me
When I’m at fault.

Relaxed, ethereal, radiant…
You are very sensitive,
Like when you wrote to me
To watch the moon that night.


You are a great romantic.
You cry with some of my poems
You have a most gregarious personality.
You are just simply, very, very sweet.
What I love in you is your CLASS…
You know how to behave eloquently,
Stylishly, with a superb distinction.
You have an excellent upbringing,
You know how to talk, how to return favours,
How to, dress elegantly.
You have such an air of grace...
That’s why all the men
Turn around to watch you
Every time we go out.

You are the kind of Lady that
Fits perfectly in Aspen, Monaco, St Moritz.
I love your beauty,
I love the shape of your eyes,
I love the colour of your eyes,
I love your beautiful mind,
I love your culture,
I love your personality
And I really love your class…
But there is something else
I love even more than all the rest!
I love your strong will…
Pure drive, pure determination,
Pure resolve…
This girl is iron willed…
She has so many achievements to show in her life…
All this because of your clever mind
and your strong willpower…
I am attracted to You,
I care for You,
I admire You,
I believe in You,
I love You,
I share my deepest secrets with You;
I trust You so much…

I have travelled my long Odyssey all these endless years;
I was looking everywhere for my Ithaki
But I could not find it anywhere;
Anywhere at all;
And I have travelled long days,
Days without an end,
Days with lots of pain and tribulations.
I have travelled to the end of the world...
My Ithaki was nowhere to be found...
And yet,
Finally, one day,
I found my beloved Ithaki.
My Ithaki is friendship,
My Ithaki is love...
That is my Ithaki...
I have this wonderful,
Sweet feeling of being close to someone
With warmth,
Who believes in me,
Cares for me, trusts me,
Shares all these same wonderful feelings with me...
I feel joy, pure joy;
After all these years I have found my Ithaki...,
Forever...
I am a dreamer
And my dreams have come true...
I have found my Ithaki...

What I love the very most in You
Is the priceless treasure I have found inside You...
I have found my own Ithaki,
My Ithaki, at last...
Ithaki is a secret,
Our own secret...

You are such a beautiful person ELAINE...
A person to share with...
Thank you for being my Ithaki...
The long,
Long journey was well worth it...
Yes, my ELAINE, it was!!!”

Elaine's reply

"Our Ithaki"

Tissues & Tears can not hold the eyes back
from reading Your Miracle...
Ithaki
Our Ithaki,,,
How Beautiful it is meant to be:
Pure Trust,
Deep Friendship,
Star-Shipment of two Egos!!!
The Moonlight Full..
I am speechless, astonished,
amazed by your extreme esoteric Motion,
Sensitiveness,
Sharpness!!!!
You can See In People:
You own the GIFT:
You can Admire
every Hint of someone's personality,
but I believe that
it is Yourself
that You Should Best ADMIRE...
HOW INCREDIBLE YOU REALLY ARE!!!
Extraordinary......................................................................................................................................
Life passes its veil
so mysteriously over people
that they really miss to realize:
,,,,,,,the true meanings and sub-Hints of life:
Life is Surprisingly Perfect
for people who can see in It & love for It!
I have seen In You:
U are the One I have seen!!!
Love, feelings, emotions,
spiritual records and body messages,
hold the very essence of
every tiny particle
that creates the "bodies of Life":
Us,,,
People,,
who fail to reveal their perfect selves,
but sell their worst versions.
People can be the Gods or Demons.
Angels are trying to take a form..
Please,
You are the source of Hint of Life:
Fight for It!
Prove what you really Are!!!
Give Joy,
Take even more...
I believe that our life route,
motivated by the Ithaki route,
accompanied by constant self-renovations
- is becoming better & better daily -
Is to lead US to Heaven:
This is GOD:
us reaching the GOD-Standards,
the GOD-image and talents...
the God-traces
& Hints..that God-offers..
U are there..
At the Top;
blowing your wind of perfection
towards your spiritual bonds,
myself maybe an Angel?,
that struggles for perfectionism..
U are already a God,
Already There!!!!
Thank you Paul,
Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you from my heart, from my soul..”

Ur Elaine
 
Last edited by a moderator:

dsaranti

Senior Member
Thank you so much. Please read my answer to the thread as it includes Elaine's answer to my poem.
Be good,
dimitri
 

dsaranti

Senior Member
Hi Alex, I will keep the left rule in mind. Read my reply to Ink Plot a sit includes Elaine's answer to my poem.
Have anice dau,
Dimitri
 

Bachelorette

WF Veterans
Hi dsaranti/Dimitri -

First off, I want to thank YOU for posting this. One thing I realize that I didn't mention in my original post was the passion evident in this piece. It's almost tangible, and I can tell that you meant every word of it. So the fact that you took my rather critical post and tried to apply it speaks volumes about your own grace and maturity. A lot of people would have been offended by what I said, but I appreciate that you understood I was only trying to help.

Another thing I'll say, is that telling vs. showing is a difficult art to master. I still have problems with it, because it's so much easier to tell than to show! The lines in bold, the ones you changed, show that you got what I was trying to communicate; they are much improved. It would be crazy of either of us to expect that you'd master telling vs. showing overnight, though, so keep at it!

Now, a final thing I will say. Regardless of my own opinions about poetry, if I had received this poem from MY boyfriend, I would have been moved to tears. It really is a beautiful example of a love letter. Now, a love letter =/= poetry, necessarily, but even in the places where it may not quite work as a poem, it works wonderfully as a love letter.

I wish the both of you the best, and for the both of you to keep at your writing.

Regards,
Bachelorette :cat:
 

dsaranti

Senior Member
Thank you!!!

Thanks frmom both of US. This exchange was venr constructive. But, it was also very moving, sensitive and touching. You'll hopefuly enjoy more of our exchanges in the book.Thanks so much,Dimitri
 

dsaranti

Senior Member
I post something different today. I am always thankful for your comments. Thank you, Dimitri.

Life is ...

Life is a stunning white bird
streaking through the clear blue sky…
Life is a honeybee honing in on a beautiful wildflower…
Life is a gazelle running as fast as the speed of light…
Life is the golden eagle spreading its wings…
Life is the vividness of the leopard chasing its prey…
Life is the silence of the Sahara desert…
Life is the clear deep blue of the Aegean Sea…
Life is the searing white houses of the Cycladic isles
…(central Aegean Sea)
Life is the dazzling sunset of Santorini…(an idyllic Greek island, known word-wide for its breathtaking sunsets).
Life is the simple harmony of the Parthenon…
Life is saying you are sorry…
Life is forgiving…
Life is giving to your fellow human being…
Life is striving for knowledge…
Life is enjoying the simplest of things…
Life is loving each other forever…
Life is what you make it to be…
Life is my Elaine;

she embodies all of what I have just now portrayed…
Life is Elaine's inspiring beauty;

it is her romantic soul,
Life is her true passion for life”
 
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