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My first poem: "The Lonesome Poem" (1 Viewer)

Snowball13

Senior Member
This is my first poem, so please be gentle with me ;)
(Actually fifth, but first one I really worked on...)


Solitude's clutch wraps around me like a noose;
The sharp claws of loneliness will never again lose
Their grip on my existence; it is simply much too tight.
I could easily give in, but I'd rather put up a fight.
Faceless figures find their path in an everlasting stream;
Responseless to my inquiries, that trivial to them seem.
Nothing in common, we live in completely different worlds.
The pain as a reminder of how within me hate unfurls.
Despite my fight against it all, I catalyze the scene;
Trying, but not trying right: I try to stay unseen.
Melancholy and mournfulness just won't let go of me -
Perhaps embracing this isolation will finally set me free.
 

Vitaly Ana

WF Veterans
Very well done for your fifth poem. You have lots of potential :)

I like the last line because it wraps things up (so to speak) and "humanizes" the subject - as if they are making a concerted effort to overcome the melancholy they feel.
 

Snowball13

Senior Member
Thank you so much for your very kind words, Vitaly and Genevieve! You can't imagine how much that means to me.
It's funny how both of you liked the last line - the only one that came out naturally. I literally only spent a few seconds on it!
Your responses give me so much hope; I can't wait to write my next poem. Thank you again.
 

Angel101

Senior Member
Nice job for your initial exploration of poetry. I won't nitpick. It's good that you're trying to create images. These lines, for example:

Solitude's clutch wraps around me like a noose;
The sharp claws of loneliness will never again lose

My main problem is really that "solitude" and "loneliness" are concepts, not images. When you use them to create an image, you get abstraction. While it may sound nice, it isn't effective, whereas a concrete image would engage your reader and make the same point. I would encourage you to continue to explore imagery and veer away from abstractions. Most importantly, keep reading (and studying) poetry and definitely keep writing.

Bay
 

Snowball13

Senior Member
My main problem is really that "solitude" and "loneliness" are concepts, not images. When you use them to create an image, you get abstraction. While it may sound nice, it isn't effective, whereas a concrete image would engage your reader and make the same point. I would encourage you to continue to explore imagery and veer away from abstractions.
I definitely see your point. However, I couldn't find a way to make an image out of the concept of loneliness here - which just was the topic I wanted to write about - so I tried to personify it, which from what I understand is oftentimes a good alternative, no? Of course I didn't compare loneliness to anything certain (just something with claws, is pretty vague), so I guess my attempt didn't quite work out like I hoped it would... I will certainly continue to work on it.
Thank you in any case for your time, Bay!
@Genevieve: I feel like this is the start of a wonderful friendship ;)
 

Snowball13

Senior Member
Oh snap! Something seems to be missing here, since there is no pedestal of little stars under " @Genevieve: " (is there ? no, there certainly is not) yet is clearly shown somewhere else by somebody else, if you'd care to see the proof of that ...
I'm sorry if that's very stupid of me, but I don't get it. I literally didn't understand a single thing you said... Maybe you can rephrase it, so that even I know you're about? (I feel so lost right now.)
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
Poetry is partly about economy of words, look,

Solitude wraps me like a noose;
The claws of loneliness, never lose
Grip my existence too tight.
I could give in, I'd rather fight.
Faceless figures in a stream;
Responseless to inquiry seem.
Nothing in common, different worlds.
The pain a reminder, hate unfurls.
Despite my fight, I catalyze the scene;
Trying, but not to stay unseen.
Melancholy won't let go of me -
Perhaps isolation will set me free.

I have added nothing, nor have I changed the order of the words, of course it does not come out exactly the same, what I have done is a gross exaggeration in some ways, but it is meant as an illustration, can you see it reads more like a poem and less like rhyming prose?

It is always worth reading a poem aloud, actually that is true of most writing, but poetry has a particularly aural quality.

There is a saying 'less is more'. whilst fewer words may give a less precise picture the reader will often fill the gaps for themselves. When they do so it is in a way they find personally appropriate.

In some cases the word I have omitted is largely, or wholly, tautological, there is for example no real difference between 'wraps me and 'wraps around me', if it were not around you you would not be wrapped in it and vice versa. In others it is a word which qualifies another, in such cases ask yourself if the qualification is needed, for example claws are rarely blunt, if they were it would be remarkable, but it is barely worth remarking that they are sharp. Unneeded qualification can actually detract from the urgency and power of the statement or word they are qualifying; compare 'It is too tight' with 'It is simply too tight', the latter lacks the urgency of the former.

That may all seem rather critical, but this is an excellent first in my opinion, keep reading and keep on writing, well done.
 

Nee

Senior Member
Olly says: "In some cases the word I have omitted is largely, or wholly, tautological, there is for example no real difference between 'wraps me and 'wraps around me', if it were not around you you would not be wrapped in it and vice versa."

One: You get wrapped.

Two: it gets wrapped around you.

Nope...clearly there is no difference of any kind going on in here.

 

Snowball13

Senior Member
@Olly: Thank you for your feedback. I've never really thought about it like that, so I'll need some time to think about it and "digest" it. For some reason I think that I might have a hard time using less words, but I'll try.
And adding to what Nee said, "wrap around" creates a nicer image for me personally, than just "wrap".
 

Ariel

WF Veterans
Actually, the word wrap already implies the "around." If you're trying for an economy of words then around is simply redundant and therefore unnecessary.

I think that you can find an image to wrap this poem into--look up symbolism for a start. Even the color "blue" can help evoke the feeling of loneliness or sadness.

Otherwise, good start.
 

Angel101

Senior Member
Olly says: "In some cases the word I have omitted is largely, or wholly, tautological, there is for example no real difference between 'wraps me and 'wraps around me', if it were not around you you would not be wrapped in it and vice versa."

One: You get wrapped.

Two: it gets wrapped around you.

Nope...clearly there is no difference of any kind going on in here.


I think it's important to stay on topic and critique the poem instead of critiquing critiques. If you want to disagree with something, then at least do the author the courtesy of explaining how your disagreement is beneficial to this poem. Just saying...

Anyway, Olly is making a great point about economy in poetry. I think it would benefit this poem quite a bit. We all have a desire to convey our meaning in the most precise way, so we end up searching for the exact words to do that. Sometimes that leaves us with too many words. You don't want to be intentionally cryptic and treat your readers like secret agents with decoder rings, but you don't want to treat them like they're stupid either. We don't need the poet to be explanatory. For example:

Nothing in common, we live in completely different worlds.

I got the different worlds part at "nothing in common." You don't have to explain what having nothing in common does. We're already there.

Finally... Show, don't tell. :)
 

genevieve

Senior Member
reminds me of a quote by anton chekhov:
"don't tell me the moon is shining: show me the glint of light on broken glass"

sometimes metaphors, and writing in general, describe more than readers might expect or understand; nevertheless, excellent writing often does have several levels of meanings
 
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Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
There is nothing to say you can't do any of those things, of course you can, you are the poet. I was trying to illustrate what I would look for in editing, there are occasional poets who claim to write straight off from pure inspiration but most of any note edit extensively. What I have done is a bit crude, but I wanted to stick to taking words out and not add any, partly as an illustration, partly to maintain the link to the original, I had no desire to rewrite it as my poem.
 

Nee

Senior Member
Snowball13 wrote:
“Solitude's clutch wraps around me like a noose”

By removing Snowball13’s choice of word “ME” you alter the axis on which the entire poem rotates. Please explain how that is not fundamentally changing the authors intent.

In our zeal to share our knowledge it is imperative that we first make sure we do in fact, actually understand the objective of the poem; otherwise we may be telling the author in effect, that they have written the wrong poem.

But I am sure no one here has been trying to suggest that...right?

Snowball...poetry is first and foremost a medium of ideas that uses words as vehicles of conveyance. And seeing how most people find it easier to remember images rather than words, it is best to support your ideas with strong images that can be easily transferred from one head to another. However, it is still a medium of words, if it were merely a medium of images then it would be called photography.
 
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sore

Senior Member
I love your word choice and rhyme, makes a really awesome poem. very great for your first one.
 
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