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My first attempt at satire news (1 Viewer)

StephenP2003

Senior Member
Special Report: Baby photo count on Facebook surpasses puppies


Facebook.com, one of the nation’s largest open social networks, this week announced the results of a recent member study outsourced to Social Network Attention Research, Inc. The results were based on U.S. Facebook users and shows that male members’ profile pictures now contain more photos of infants – and members holding infants – than ever before.

Recently accounting for more than 40 percent of male Facebook users’ photos were pictures of members holding puppies. The new study finds that the amount of photos of men holding puppies has dropped to 22 percent, while photos of men holding babies accounts for more than 70% of all male Facebook profiles in the U.S.

Mathematics sophomore Todd Strumpet said he’s not surprised the percentage is so high.

“What can I say? [Holding babies in Facebook photos] does the trick,” Strumpet said. “It is much more effective than puppies ever was.”

Strumpet, among millions of other Facebook users, holds an infant in his main profile picture on the social networking site.

“The idea is to show off your sensitive side to women,” he said.

The vast majority of these baby-holding members would be quick to clarify that they are not fathers. However, dairy science senior Ricky McGrody – known on Facebook as “Ricky MacDaddy McGrody” – said the idea is to spark curiosity among female interests.

“Of course that’s not my kid,” McGrody said, pointing to the photo of him holding his baby cousin in one hand and his acoustic guitar in the other.

He said that even though the child isn’t actually his, he wants women to inquire about it.

“It’s a hook,” he said. “If they ask about the baby, they were somehow intrigued by your photo.”

McGrody added that it’s an easy way to get women to talk to him because he said he does not have the courage to approach them first.

Analysts say the number of women holding babies in Facebook profile pictures is much lower because of the stigma attached to women with kids.

“If a girl gotta kid in her pic its b/c she is a mom an not b/c she wanna date a dude on facbook. when u see a girl w/ a baby ur like screw that shes off limits,” James Graham, senior analyst of Social Network Attention Research, wrote in the report.

Dick Jerkins, computer science senior, said he is excited about his new photo of him and his 8-week-old brother.

“Even if it’s not my son, it gives women the illusion that I possess paternal qualities,” Jerkins said.

“I just added the photo. In a few days, the ladies will be all over me. Chicks dig father figures. Heh heh,” he squeaked.

There have been drawbacks to the baby photo scheme. English junior Barry Delicate said he didn’t get the attention he was expecting.

“I wasn’t interested in attracting women, but I had posted a Facebook note with the intro to a novel I’m thinking about outlining,” he said. “I tagged as many people as I could, but nobody responded to give me the praise I was looking for.”

Delicate’s goal was to use the baby photo to prompt his friends to look at his profile.
“I figured they would post on my wall, and while they were at my profile they could see my note with the novel intro,” he said. “Instead, I just got a bunch of Facebook messages about the baby. No one said anything about my novel intro.”

A user does not need to view a member’s profile to send messages on Facebook.

“After tagging people in the note and letting it sit on my News Feed for a month, the baby photo idea was my last resort,” Delicate said.

When asked about the possibility of attending a writing workshop, he said, “I don’t know what that is.”

Analysts at Social Network Attention Research predict that the number of baby photos on Facebook will continue to rise despite its seemingly low success rate. Among baby and puppy photos in male members’ profile pictures, there have been reports of a fairly large number of kittens, military uniforms, domestic beer and guitars.
 

fisherking

Senior Member
Have you seen spoof.com. You can register there and post this kind of article on the site. Yours is a little long. Most of the stories there are only a couple paragraphs.
 

StephenP2003

Senior Member
It's actually going to be a running column in the magazine I run in Baton Rouge. I'll normally keep them under 500 wds.
 

fisherking

Senior Member
I just realized that you are from Baton Rouge. I'm from Oklahoma, where we despise Les Miles. I won't hold it against you, though. Just glad you got him. I will grudgingly congratulate you on the Tigers' nat'l title.
 
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