G
Green
--Hello. I'm new here. I wasn't exactly sure where to put this, so here it is. It's a play I've made - and I could use critique. You don't have to read the whole thing for it is long... Thank you.
MRS. MCGEE!
An Eccentric Fairytale by Green
“Let Me Entertain You,” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
“One,” by Marvin Hamlisch and Edward Kleban.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
“I Love To Laugh” and “Let’s Go Fly a Kite,” by the Sherman Brothers.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
Cast (in Order of Appearance):
MRS. MCGEE – Alden’s new “magical-esque,” “imperfect” Nanny. (To be played by an Ethel Merman-like woman, or a man.)
NANNY – The old nanny.
MARY NICH – Alden’s Mother.
GLENN NICH – Alden’s Father.
ALDEN NICH – Our teenage main character.
CALPURNIA – The Nich Family’s African American maid.
MR. MCGEE – Mrs. Mcgee’s husband.
ABBY (played by same actress as Calpurnia) – A flower person
MUFFY MONEYMOOCH – A big Connecticut social climber.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER – A Hispanic bystander.
MR. BIGG – The creator of the “Magical Traveling Watch”
JEANNE – A “female” actress. Why the random character? Because all plays need a love interest.
POLICE OFFICER – Police officer
Act 1
Scene 1.
The House on Cracker Cake Lane – The Living Room
(MRS. MCGEE hovers above stage with her umbrella full of holes.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Hellooooo! SHADDUP! I bet you’re wondering who I am – well, I’m Mrs. Mcgee! But, you’ll hear more about me later in the show! Now, my dearies you are about to witness one of the most timeless stories… One of parents that don’t show love and a struggling teenager… One of a certain magical nanny that helps them on the way… One of plagiarism… And one of intoxication, greed, comedy, love, and an extremely overweight Irish – American lady – all the things that scare young children out of their Halloween candy! Alright, let’s start the show. (She laughs hysterically and flies away.)
(The NANNY enters, along with MARY.)
NANNY: I’m leaving, Mrs. Nich! This time for good!
MARY: No! You can’t leave! I’m a working mother – I can’t take care of a child!
NANNY: Good bye, Ma’am!
(NANNY leaves.)
MARY: Glenn!
(GLENN enters, with a cigar.)
GLENN: Hello, dear. What is it?
MARY: Oh, Glenn… Another nanny’s left. This is the sixth one in a row – except for that one that died of a heart attack… Our Alden must be a monster.
GLENN: Or he just wants our attention.
(Pause.)
BOTH: Naw.
MARY: What should we do about this? We can’t just say that we love him! It’s not the Connecticut way. Also, we live on the most prestigious road in the state – Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up!
GLENN: That’s true.
BOTH: Hmmmm…
(Lights up on ALDEN, in another room. It is revealed that he was listening to the conversation all along.)
ALDEN: Why can’t my parents just understand that I want their attention? I just want them to show me they love me! I’m a teenager – All I want is attention!
MARY: Ah! This is more confusing than a Chinese laundry mat! What would a Davenport, Connecticut resident do under these conditions…? (She uncovers a bottle of gin and takes a drink.) That’s better.
GLENN: Maybe we should give him a pony. (He randomly takes out a glass of wine from his jacket and sips.) That always worked back in my childhood days.
(ALDEN shakes his head.)
MARY: Yes. Good idea. It is easier to buy love.
GLENN: You know what they say – money is worth a million words.
(ALDEN shakes his head.)
MARY: Or maybe we should send him to military school.
(ALDEN pounds loudly on the wall separating him from his parents.)
MARY: Dear, what was that?!
GLENN: Mary, it must have been one of those Connecticut earthquakes. I think I may have read about those… somewhere.
MARY: (She drinks some more gin.) Quite. (Remembering something.)Well, you know, it’s our anniversary today.
GLENN: It is?
MARY: Yes. …Happy anniversary!
GLENN: To you also.
(They awkwardly embrace. Pause.)
MARY: …Anyway, we’re off subject. What should we do about this nanny problem?
GLENN: Yes! Right! Nanny! Sure! I shall put an advertisement in the Davenport Times. What do we want, dear?
(GLENN takes out a pad of paper and writes.)
MARY: We want a… perfect nanny.
ALDEN: No we don’t.
MARY: Yes, a perfect nanny that will show our son love without us getting involved! Got that, dear?
GLENN: Yes, Mary!
(ALDEN pounds on the wall again, loudly.)
GLENN: Second one today. The Goldbergs must be having one of the sacrilegious séance sin–oh–go–goo things again.
MARY: …Nannies don’t just fall from the sky with an umbrella! …Oh, how long will it be before we find the perfect nanny?
(Blackout. Everyone leaves.)
Scene 2.
The sky
(Lights up on MRS. MCGEE, who sits in her home in the sky. There is a big sign on her wall saying, "NANNY EVALUATION: The Imperfect Nanny." The "Im" is crossed out. A newspaper clipping is on the table. She powders her face, applies some rouge, lipstick, curls her hair into a neat beehive–style bun, puts on her dress, shoes, glasses, and takes a rather big swig of vodka. She does this all in about 2 minutes. Then she descends into the sky with an umbrella full of holes. Then she falls, screaming, because she is fat.)
Scene 3.
The Patio
(ALDEN sits on the patio, sipping a glass of iced tea - long island style, contemplating something. A bird whistles.)
ALDEN: Hello little bird! What’s your name?
(He whistles to the bird. MRS. MCGEE falls into the tree next to him, yelling a profanity. This tree the same tree that the bird is perched in. The bird whistles again. It is grabbed by MRS. MCGEE. Feathers scatter.)
ALDEN: Gah! What was that?! It sounded like an exotic animal – like a Mexican. But it sounded more… Ugly and fat – really ugly and fat. It can’t be some sort of imperfect nanny, can it?
(MRS. MCGEE struggles out of the bushes. Alden looks startled.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Are you of the Nich Family?
(ALDEN picks up a large stone.)
ALDEN: Y-Yes. I’m Alden Nich. What are you here for?!
MRS. MCGEE: Well, kiddo, I’m here to murder your family! (ALDEN looks very frightened.) Oh, I’m just kidding, (She laughs hysterically.) Oh, I got a billion of ‘em! Like the Chinese! Anywho, I’m here for the new nanny position! My name’s Mrs. Mcgee! You look frightened, honey. I’m not an Indian. I won’t bite or use arrows.
ALDEN: How did you know a-about the nanny job?
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, I have my ways.
(GLENN and MARY fall on to stage, from nowhere. They’ve been drinking, obviously.)
MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooo!
(GLENN and MARY cling into action, immediately. MARY pretends to do housework.)
MARY: I’m cleaning! I’m a good housewife! Right!
GLENN: Quite, dear! I’m going to work. Must bring home the bacon.
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry, sir, ma’am. I’m not with social services.
MARY: Oh! Yes! Yes! What are you here for… Mrs…?
MRS. MCGEE: Mcgee! Mrs. Patricia Mcgee! I am here for the new nanny position.
MARY: Yes, fine. What are your credentials?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I’ve brought up many children – Including… Um… The Raja’s son in India, J.P. Morgan’s children, Adolph Hit – The list goes on! Every person I raise becomes just like me – practically perfect.
(MARY and GLENN clap for her.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! One of the most prized possessions I picked up was this. (She brings out a golden pocket watch out of her alligator purse.) Isn’t it a beauty? ‘Given to me by the Dali Lama himself – on my vacation to… Tibet… to see the… Taj Mahal… and the Eiffel Tower.
GLENN: May I see the pocket watch, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure!
(She hands him the pocket watch.)
GLENN: Remarkable! I remember that exact pocket watch from my childhood. My old nanny used to hit me with it… Hey! (Remembers something) You… Mrs. Mcgee, you… You must be! You used to be my old nanny. I know it!
ALDEN and MARY: Gasp!
MRS. MCGEE: That’s right, Glenn. It is so good to see you. I haven’t seen you since I dangled you out of a window and the lawsuits kicked in. And I see you have children of your own now. You’re all grown up.
GLENN: Then it’s settled. You shall be Alden’s new nanny.
ALDEN: Father, I really think I don’t need a nanny –
GLENN: Of course you do! Mrs. Mcgee, I’m sure you’ll be a great nanny for my son, Alden.
MARY: So nice to meet you, Mrs. Mcgee. Let me help you to your room.
MRS. MCGEE: Wait, Ma’am. I have to say something to Alden. ALDEN!
ALDEN: Yes, Mrs. Mcgee?
(MRS. MCGEE hugs ALDEN hardly, but lovingly.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden, I’m going to open doors for you! I’ll show you my philosophy – that great quote by Mame – Life is a banquet and most poor countries are starving!
ALDEN: I really don’t think that’s correct –
MRS. MCGEE: Of course it is! Let’s go! As the Germans say, "Allons-y!"
(Led by Mrs. Mcgee, everyone exits.)
Scene 4.
The Dining Room
(ALDEN enters.)
ALDEN: I will show my parents I don’t need a nanny. I will drive this Mrs. Mcgee out – just like the other nannies. Rats, stones, bugs, pranks, Chinese food… I know how to scare nannies away. She seems so different – but I bet she’s not! Here she comes.
(MRS. MCGEE enters in an outrageous gaudy outfit.)
ALDEN: Good morning Mrs. Mcgee. (Noticing the outfit.) What the heck is that?!
MRS. MCGEE: Good morning, Alden! This old thing? Oh, just something I picked up in the orient.
ALDEN: The says, “MADE IN HOLLAND.”
MRS. MCGEE: Isn’t that Japanese for something?
(Pause.)
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I saved you a seat. Sit.
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, thank you, Alden. You know – (She sits down to find a pine cone on the bottom of the chair.) A pine cone? What’s this doing here? (ALDEN waits for the response.) Well, that’s good fortune for me. Martha Steward says these things make great soap for those boring jail yard days.
ALDEN: Hey, would you like a glass of water?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure. I am very thirsty. Whoever said gin was a good thirst quencher was dead wrong. (He hands her the glass. It is a dribble cup. It splatters all over her. ALDEN waits for the response.) I am so clumsy. Ah! This reminds me of my old Cabaret days. I scared away a lot of customers. I wonder why.
ALDEN (frustrated): ‘Since this your first official day as Nanny, I got you these chocolates.
(He hands them to her.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! That is so nice. Life’s like a box of chocolate – full of different colors and flavors, as they say. (She opens the box to find it is full of maggots. ALDEN waits for the response) AHHHHH!! MAGGOTS!! And juicy, disgusting ones too. When I was in the Turkish prison, we only got rationed two of these a day. High in protein, you know – and they eat the dead, rotting tissue! (She laughs hysterically. ALDEN looks baffled.) Good times.
(MARY and GLENN enter.)
GLENN: Good morning, Mrs. Mcgee.
MARY: Yes, good morning!
MRS. MCGEE: Good morning! Your Alden sure is a gentleman.
GLENN and MARY: He is?
MRS. MCGEE: Why, yes he is!
MARY: Wow… Well, let’s go have some breakfast, shall we? CALPURNIA!
(MARY, GLENN and ALDEN sit down with MRS. MCGEE. CALPURNIA enters.)
CALPURNIA: Hello, Mrs. Nich. What shall I bring for y’all to eat? Oh! You got a new nanny, I see. What’s your name?
MRS. MCGEE: Mrs. Mcgee. Hey, don’t I know you?
CALPURNIA: Huh?
MRS. MCGEE: Weren’t you on “ROOTS”?
(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)
CALPURNIA: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Mrs. Mcgee, you slay me! The racism’s killing me – and hopefully you!
MARY: I’m sorry if Calpurnia seems a bit confusing, Mrs. Mcgee. She’s not from here. Where are you from again?
CALPURNIA: South Carolina.
(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)
MARY: Never heard of it – but it sounds exotic! Anyway, Calpurnia, Let’s have a light breakfast – some lettuce and an egg – and a bloody mary for me. I have the biggest hangover.
CALPURNIA: Yes, ma’am! (To herself.) I am the biggest stereotype.
(CALPURNIA exits.)
GLENN: Do you like Davenport, Connecticut, very much?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes, it is very nice and… bland. What is there to do in a swing’in town like this?
MARY: You could go to the park or… um… Go to the park!
GLENN: Top drawer idea, dear. Top drawer! Why don’t you and Alden go to the park? It’s a nice Connecticut day. The breeze is blowing, the sky is blue, everything is the right color and the way it should be…
MRS. MCGEE: Alright!
ALDEN: But I don’t want to.
MRS. MCGEE: ALDEN! WE ARE GOING – AND THAT’S FINAL. WE ARE GOING TO THE…
MARY: Park.
MRS. MCGEE: Oh yes, the park. In fact, we are going right now!
(MRS. MCGEE rises and leads ALDEN to a closet. They step inside. Blackout on MARY and GLENN, in the dining room.)
MRS. MCGEE: Well, here we are.
ALDEN: But this is a closet.
MRS. MCGEE: Wait, I forgot about something.
(She takes out her pocket watch and spins it. Random colors and etc. appear around them.)
ALDEN: What’s happening?!
MRS. MCGEE: We’re going to the park! (She laughs hysterically.) Hang on tight!
BOTH: AHHHHHHHH!!
(Blackout. Everyone exits.)
Scene 5.
The Park
(ALDEN is asleep on the grass. What surrounds him is a park filled with statues, fountains, furniture, and etc. There is a big gold door near him. He wakes up.)
ALDEN: Where am I? I know what my parents feel like now. What happened? Did Mrs. Mcgee knock me out, drug me, and drag me here? I remember many colors and et cetera around me… (He checks his arms for injection holes.) Well, she didn’t use heroin. Could this be real?
(MRS. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooooo, dear! I see you’re awake now.
ALDEN: Where are we?
MRS. MCGEE: The park! This is a special park too. My husband lives here.
ALDEN: What are you talking about? How can your husband live in the park. Is he homeless?
MRS. MCGEE: Why don’t you ask him for yourself? Tooooooooooooom!
MR. MCGEE (Offstage): What is it, honey?
MRS. MCGEE: Come out, dear. We have company.
MR. MCGEE: Okay.
(MR. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: This is my husband, Thomas Mcgee. Tom, this is Alden Nich. Say, hello, TOM!
MR. MCGEE: Hello, sonny - Alden. (He chuckes.) So Patty is your new nanny, huh? I’m sure she takes good care of you. Just in case, take this rather large rock to protect yourself. Sit down. Make yourself at home.
(They all sit down on chairs.)
ALDEN: Gee, thanks… So, what do you do, Mr. Mcgee… If you live in a park.
MR. MCGEE: Well, I was a doctor. But you see, I didn’t like being a doctor – seeing all those patients and making all that money – but it’s what Patty wanted me to do. What I’ve really always dreamed of, was becoming a fisherman. A humble fisherman. (He sighs.) I got so fed up with doctor life, I fled to this park. Now, it is a special park.
ALDEN: It looks normal to me.
MR. MCGEE: How would you like some tea, Alden, my boy?
ALDEN: Sure.
MR. MCGEE: Abby!
(ABBY, a purple flower person, enters. She resembles CALPURNIA.)
ABBY: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Mcgee. How y’all doing? I see you got a new kid. Where’d you steal him from?
MRS. MCGEE: I’m his nanny, Abby. And why would I steal a child? I am a very responsible person!
(ALL, but ALDEN laugh.)
ABBY: Just don’t get the social worker involved this time. Anyway, what do y’all want?
MR. MCGEE: Tea, Abby.
ABBY: Like the letter?
MR. MCGEE: Don’t be smart with me, girl! Flower people don’t have the right to read. You know that.
ABBY: That’s right. That’s right. I’ll get it right away. And I’ll put the Jack Daniels in your cup, Mrs. Mcgee.
MRS. MCGEE: You know me well!
(ABBY exits.)
MR. MCGEE: Sorry about that, Alden, my boy. Some people don’t know their place.
ALDEN: What was that lady with the petals?
MR. MCGEE: Oh! (He chuckles.) Abby is a flower person. She is the dominant race of this park. Obviously, flower people are below us – what with their colors and all! You see, Colors like them are bad, KEVIN! BAAAAD!! When I came to this park, I was full of knowledge from medical school and the doctoring business, so naturally these colored folks bowed down to me – making me their master – oh, and they danced… DANCED WITH GLEE! It’s because they can’t think like us. They’re dumb. Due to this, I forbid them to learn how to read and write. If it’s there’s thing I learned in medical school, Kevin, it is that keeping people ignorant is easiest way to keep control over people. Get it, Kevin? (He chuckles.)
ALDEN: My name’s not Kevin. It’s Alden. Remember?
MR. MCGEE: Oh, yes. (He chuckles.) That’s right, Alden, my boy.
ALDEN: I noticed that big door over there. I was wondering what that was. Could you tell me, Doctor?
MR. MCGEE: KEVIN! DON’T ASK SUCH THINGS! Asking is bad! BAD, I say!! You know, life is a battle. The best way to unify people in this life-battle is to put them against something! That door is evil, Kevin. Don’t go near the door, Kevin! It’s BAD, KEVIN!! You’ll die if you go near it! Then we’ll all dance – DANCE WITH GLEE!! (He chuckles.) Get it, Kevin?
ALDEN: Okaaaayyy… Sure. Why not. (To himself) Is everyone in Mrs. Mcgee’s family freaking insane?!
MR. MCGEE: What was that?
ALDEN: Oh, nothing.
MR. MCGEE: Oh… Quite... (To himself) Note to self – kill the kid.
ALDEN: What was that?
MR. MCGEE: Oh, nothing.
ALDEN: Well, Mrs. Mcgee… Mr. Mcgee… I’m going to go take a walk.
MRS. MCGEE: Good Idea! I can have a little drink while you’re gone. I don’t drink much, you know. ABBY!!
(ALDEN Walks off near the door. MRS. MCGEE and MR. MCGEE exit. ABBY enters, dancing with glee.)
ABBY: Hey, Master Alden! Watch me dance for you!
ALDEN: That’s okay. I wanted to know, what is behind this door?
ABBY: That’s an evil door, Master Alden. It’ll eat your family and Master Mcgee will dance for some reason.
ALDEN: You remind me of someone back home, Abby.
ABBY: Really?
ALDEN: Yes… You remind me of someone my family and I should treat better… Anyway, let’s open this door.
ABBY: NOOOOOOO!!
(ALDEN opens the door. He sees brown flower people working on a big farm. ABBY runs away.)
ALDEN: I wonder what all these flower people are doing working on a farm. They’re all brown colored, too. They’re like… like… like indentured servants. A bunch of brown indentured servants working on a big farm… Hmmmm… I’m pretty sure this should remind me of something… But I’m not entirely sure what.
(MR. MCGEE enters with a gun.)
MR. MCGEE: Bad, Kevin! VERY BAD! Looking at Mr. Mcgee’s insane and potentially illegal indentured servant farm is bad, Kevin. (He chuckles.) YOU DIDN’T REMEMBER MY WARNING ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS! Now you’ll have to die!!
ALDEN: But why do all this?
MR. MCGEE: Why not? These people are below me. I have all the reason and right to do this. It’s mostly because I wanted to become a fisherman and didn’t get to, so I fled to this park, seizing power wherever I could get it – out of rage. Because I didn’t get to fisherman, I do this! I need the money. I’m not a doctor, anymore. If there’s one thing I learned in medical school, it is that taking over mass amounts of land and enslaving the people is not wrong under the right circumstances, Kevin!
ALDEN: You learned that in medical school?
MR. MCGEE: Yes! AND BECAUSE I CAN’T BECOME A FISHERMAN, YOU’LL HAVE TO DIE, KEVIN! DIIIEEEEE –
(MRS. MCGEE interrupts him, by hitting him with a random boot. He passes out.)
MRS. MCGEE: Looks like Mr. Mcgee’s gone insane again. Time to go! …I believe that’s what they said to the Japanese-Americans in 1944… (She laughs hysterically.) Well, time to go. Hold on!
(She takes out the pocket watch and spins it. Lights sputter everywhere. Blackout. Everyone exits.)
Scene 6.
Alden’s bedroom, later that night
(ALDEN is in bed, pondering something. MRS. MCGEE enters.)
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee…
MRS. MCGEE: Alden… I’m sorry about the park. Sometimes my husband gets a little crazy. Well, so do I! (She laughs.) But the point is, my husband is wrong. He thinks that power and ignorance is the key to success, but he is wrong. What really matters is love and your family and friends. Also, being ignorant is wrong. You must find out all you can, like me! My husband thinks ignorance is bliss, but it’s wrong to forget about everything outside for the sake of being ignorant… Don’t ever be ignorant.
ALDEN: (surprised by her profound words.) Thank you, Mrs. Mcgee.
MRS. MCGEE: At least me and you aren’t ignorant, huh, kiddo? (She laughs hysterically.) Hey look out the window! (She rushes to the window.) It’s a janitor! And he’s got his “hommies” with him! Hey, dawg! I’m hissen to the shissen, ‘till ya just can’t stop the drop, yo! Represent!
(She laughs hysterically, pounding on her chest, trying to imitate the “janitor.” A shattering window is heard. Blackout.)
Scene 7.
The Kitchen
(MARY and GLENN enter. MARY is in an apron. It seems as if she’s been through some great ordeal, judging by the dirt on her apron.)
MARY: Glenn! Come quick! Look! Look what I’ve done!
(GLENN grasps the phone.)
GLENN: I’m calling 911 as we speak, dear.
MARY: No! It’s nothing bad. (She takes out a tray of cinnamon buns.)
GLENN: My goodness. Look at the sweet crusty outside and just smell that wonderful essence. And the icing is just perfect. Where did you these? They must have cost a lot – much more than those Mc Donald’s ones you usually get.
MARY: No, I made these.
(GLENN laughs. Then stops, seeing MARY is not laughing.)
GLENN: Oh! Y-You’re serious. Well, this a momentous occasion. You haven’t made or baked something since… Since you made those mashed potatoes when Alden was baby. So much surgery! So many bills… So many social workers…
MARY: Well, the only thing left to do is try them.
(Pause.)
MARY: …Yes, try them. There are a lot.
GLENN: You are the chef. They do look scrumptious… (to himself) So did the mashed potatoes… (To her.) I think you should try them first.
(MARY takes a bite of one and her eyes buldge. GLENN grasps the phone.)
MARY: GLENN…!
GLENN: I’m calling 911 as we speak, dear.
MARY: No! No! No! These… These aren’t bad.
(GLENN tries one. Then he gobbles it down.)
GLENN: My, my, Mary. These are pretty good actually.
MARY: I know. Who knew I could to things like this. You know, I never was able to do things like this before…
(Pause.)
MARY: Before that Mrs. Mcgee person came into our lives. And ever since then, Alden has been such a good boy. No more rap music… no more sass… no more hormone-driven terror threats…
GLENN: I know. I don’t much about my childhood, but I do remember that, Mrs. Mcgee has that effect on people.
MARY: And she’s so nice and kind and not offensive at all.
(MRS. MCGEE enters, with a black face.)
MARY: Ahhhh! A criminal!
GLENN: I’ll get the pepper spray, Mary. You get the prescription drugs.
(MRS. MCGEE laughs.)
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry. I’m not a criminal. I’d bring my leaf blower with if I was. It’s me, Mrs. Mcgee!
GLENN: I didn’t recognize you. Why is your face…?
MRS. MCGEE: I was using the hair dryer, and I set it up to the max and it blew up. I haven’t the foggiest why. By the way, how many plugs are you supposed the plug in at the same time? Wait, no time for chat. I have to teach Alden how to play Monopoly. First, we need those little wooden letter blocks and a die. Anyhoo, have a nice day.
(MRS. MCGEE exits. GLENN kisses MARY.)
MARY: Glenn! This is the first time you’ve… done anything with me… since…
GLENN: I don’t what came over me.
MARY: This reminds me of when we first met. Remember?
GLENN: Of course, dear. We first met at Club Blanc… You were the most lovely, girl there… So clean, so white… so utterly bland…
MARY So were you!
GLENN: Well, I try.
MARY: I have a racy thought! Why don’t we go to the bedroom to…
GLENN: Do something dirty?
MARY: Yes, Glenn…
GLENN: …Let’s the re-arrange the furniture!
MARY: YES! QUITE! I haven’t in love this much since that doll in Southbury!
(MARY jumps in his arms. They exit.)
Scene 8.
A Garden Party at The House on Cracker Cake Lane
(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)
MARY: ALDEN! This garden party means a lot to us. So, act on your best behavior. I don’t want any mishaps! This isn’t one of those hip-hop parties. We don’t associate with those kinds of people! Right, dear?
(GLENN is sitting on a chair smoking a cigar.)
MARY: GLENN!
GLENN: Yes, quite right.
MARY: Let me remind you that we live one the most prestigious road in Davenport – Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up! And also, I would like a spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club… CALPURNIA!
CALPURNIA: Yes?
MARY: Serve people with a smile and grace – unlike you’ve been doing.
CALPURNIA: ‘Course, ma’am!
MARY: No, no. It’s “Of course, Miss Mary.”
CALPURNIA: Yes, Miss Mary.
MARY: Good. And what do we call Glenn?
CALPURNIA: Mr. Nich?
MARY: No, no. It’s “Master Glenn.” Now, repeat!
CALPURNIA (annoyed): Master Glenn…
MARY: Spendid, Calpurnia! There might be use for you, yet! Who knows, we might take you out to dinner, later.
CALPURNIA: Oh, thank you, Miss Mary! I’ve always wanted to try that French bistro–
MARY: Your favorite restaurant is KFC, right?
(CALPURNIA tries to answer, but is cut off.)
MARY: What am I thinking? Of course it is! …Oh, and Mrs. Mcgee…
MRS. MCGEE: Reporting for duty!
MARY: Um… I was wondering if you’d like the day off.
MRS. MCGEE: But, I was going to show Alden how to work the crowd… Wait… I know what’s the matter…
MARY: Thank you for understanding.
MRS. MCGEE: You think that I’ll be too cultured for these Davenport Connecticut people. I fully get that, ma’am! I’ll be at the spa, if you want me. I’ll get that cute Puerto Rican guy to massage me. We has that great accent. He tries to shout out “Focus!” but yells, “Fucus! Fucus! Fucus!” It is truly orgasmatic!
(She sighs and exits.)
MARY: I’m nervous, honey!
GLENN: Yes, quite right.
(MARY faints. MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS enter. ALDEN, GLENN, and CALPURNIA don’t notice them.)
CALPURNIA: Ahhh! Get the Jack Daniels!
(ALDEN grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels and hands it to CALPURNIA.)
CALPURNIA: It’s alright, baby doll! Here you go!
(She takes out a funnel and puts it in MARY’s mouth and pours the Jack Daniels into the funnel. Mary coughs and awakens.)
MARY: That was rough. Thank goodness the party guests and that Muffy Moneymooch didn’t see this!
MUFFY: Nice to see you’re keeping your tan up. Odd way of sun bathing, though.
MARY (Quickly getting up): Oh, Muffy! So good to see you. Kiss, kiss. How have you been?
MUFFY: Fine, fine… but it isn’t easy being one of the famous Newport Moneymooches. Sometimes I have to get up at two pm! I mean, I don’t have to pick up my children, but parents must make sacrifices.
(Everyone claps.)
MARY: I know! I know! Sometimes I have to microwave a meal when my maid is out.
(Pause. Everyone claps awkwardly.)
MUFFY: Don’t you have a cook?
MARY: Yes! I have nine!
ALDEN: Hi, ma’am!
MUFFY: You must be little Alden Nich. I have heard great things about you.
ALDEN: Thank you. I just won the battle of the bands competition at my school. I play guitar.
MARY (whispering to ALDEN): ALDEN!! This is Muffy Moneymooch, the biggest social climber in all the land! All of Connecticut, that is. Don’t freaking ruin this for me!! (to MUFFY.) What he means is that he is a concert pianist, RIGHT, ALDEN?!
ALDEN: Yes.
MUFFY: And such good manners. There must be good breeding in your background.
(A faint “Hellooooo” is heard offstage.)
MUFFY: What’s that?
MARY: Nothing.
(Another faint, yet louder “Helloooo” is heard offstage.)
MUFFY: There it is again… As if a fat Irish American woman… no, an elephant is approaching!
(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flashy, sequin gown.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Hellooooo!
MUFFY: Who… What is that?
MARY: Our Nanny… Mrs. Mcgee…
MUFFY: Hello yourself Mrs. Mcgee. Do you know who I am?
MRS. MCGEE: Do I?! …No.
MUFFY: Muffy Moneymooch – of the Newport Moneymooches.
MRS. MCGEE: Whatever!
(Pause. Then MUFFY laughs.)
MUFFY: You’re funny, Mrs. Mcgee! “Whatever!” Ha!
(The other Party Guests laugh also. CALPURNIA approaches MUFFY with a tray of wine glasses.)
CALPURNIA: Wine, Miss Moneymooch?
MUFFY: I don’t mind if I do. (she spills it on herself.) Clumsy oaf! Look what you made me do!
(CALPURNIA exits quietly.)
ALDEN: Here, let me clean you up.
(He blots her dress with a towel. There is a big whole where the wine stain was.)
ALDEN: That can’t be good.
MUFFY and MARY: WHAT DID YOU DO?!
ALDEN: This must have been my science fair towel… WITH THE ACID ON IT! Oh, CRAP!
MUFFY: This suit is from France. It is worth more than your life in cold, stinky money. My God! I thought this was a respectable home. I see it is not. Good-bye!
MARY: NO! DON’T GO!! ALDEN!! Look’s what’s happened! It’s all your fault. I… I don’t want you as my son anymore. I never cared about you, ever!
MUFFY: You tell him, sister! That’s what I told my son in my will!
MARY: You are a digrace! A BLOODY DISGRACE!! I DON’T LOVE YOU!!!
MRS. MCGEE: Well… this is awkward… Don’t worry, Alden, I’ll get us out of this, with my trusty magical pocket watch!
(She takes it out of her bag. Then she accidentally drops it, then steps on it, breaking it. Lights splutter everywhere.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh no.
ALDEN: What is going to happen?
MRS. MCGEE: I don’t know, but hold on, tight.
(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN disappear in a flash of light.)
GLENN (Noticing the situation): What happened?
MARY: I don’t know…
GLENN: Alden and Mrs. Mcgee are gone… She must have kidnapped him.
MARY: We just saw them vanish. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
GLENN: I knew this would happen! Mrs. Mcgee must have kidnapped our son! With Drugs!! And… Candy!!
BOTH: We have to find him.
MARY: DRUGS?! CANDY?! I don’t like the sound of that! They could be anywhere… Probably somewhere evil and dark and black.
BOTH: HARLEM!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MUFFY: Good riddance to bad blood. You’ll never see that rude boy again.
MARY: We have to go after him – to wherever he is.
MUFFY: Wait, Mary Nich. I think you’re making a big mistake. Which is more important? You’re social life or your kid? If you leave now, you can kiss your spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club good-bye. And Judging by my money and power, I think you’ll pick the right choice.
MARY: Alden is more important, you cheap, social climbing hussy! I never liked you. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at the boy…
(MARY and GLENN run off.)
MUFFY: But I… I have so much money and all you have is a rotten kid… You’ll regret it, someday! SOMEDAAAAAYY!! Hmmph!
(MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS exit. CALPURNIA re-enters.)
CALPURNIA (to the audience): Hello audience! I bet your thinking to yourself, just about now, that “Oh God! This is one of those plays where they talk to the audience!” Well, it is now. Just for the record, this is the end of act one. Enjoy intermission, and be back for act two. Bye, bye for now!
(She exits. Curtain.)
Act 2
Scene 1.
Somewhere in The Big City
(MARY, GLENN and CALPURNIA enter in immigrant-style clothes.)
MARY: So, we’ve concluded that she must have taken Alden somewhere in the Big City.
GLENN: Luckily, we had these immigrant-chic clothes. And they are so gaudy. Now we’ll blend in for sure!
CALPURNIA (To herself): Last time I lend them my clothes! Try buying clothes with a maid’s salary…
MARY: I assume you know your way around this place, Calpurnia. Show us where a kidnapping nanny would go in the Big City.
CALPURNIA: Ma’am, I have never been to the Big City. I don’t know my way around. That is a mean, mean assumption.
(A HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if you knew where I could find this address.
CALPURNIA: Sure. If you take the R or W train to prince, then just keep walking straight until you hit spring.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Thank you.
(BYSTANDER exits.)
CALPURNIA: Don’t give me that look! I know what y’all are thinking!
MARY: And you were saying?
CALPURNIA: Nevermind. Let’s check the subways. This way.
(They all exit. At that same moment that they leave, a HISPANIC BYSTANDER, MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter. A HISPANIC BYSTANDER waves around a coffee cup.)
ALDEN: So, we ended up in the Big City?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes. Apparently. The Big City is the biggest city in the whole state. Aptly called – the Big City. This is where they make those pocket watches.
ALDEN: Good. Then we can get back home.
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry, Alden. Until then, we can rough it! I have street smarts. I was born in New York!
ALDEN: Really?
MRS. MCGEE: I think so. Isn’t New York the place with the Golden Gate Bridge and the Texas Book Depository?
(Pause.)
MRS. MCGEE: Anywho, let’s take a look around. At least we have each other.
ALDEN: What is it?
MRS. MCGEE: There’s a homeless man. (She laughs.) I better give him some cash.
ALDEN: That’s very admirable of you.
(She places a couple coins in the HISPANIC BYSTANDER’S cup.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hey, what are you doing?!
MRS. MCGEE: Just helping a fellow human being, is all!
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What are you trying to say?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, (She laughs) you’re homeless, aren’t you, my Latin brother?
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: I’m not homeless! I was shaking this coffee cup because it was hot, you stupid vato!!
MRS. MCGEE: Oh… Well, there’s only one thing to do now.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What could that possibly be?
MRS. MCGEE: Scream!
ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE: AAAHHHHHHH!!!
(They are chased by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, help! Caucasians in trouble! He’s living la vita loca, too!!
ALDEN: Hey, Mrs. Mcgee, do you know where the magic watch shop is?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure.
ALDEN: We better get going, then.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: I’ll kill you!!
(ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE are chased off by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)
Scene 2.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MR. BIGG enters. He gives orders to his actors.)
MR. BIGG: From the top! No, no! That’s just awful! What are you all, actors or rappers? Ah… take five.
(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter.)
MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooooo! Anyone here?
MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. What is it? We’re really busy! (Noticing MRS. MCGEE.) …Mrs. Mcgee? Is that you?
MRS. MCGEE: Mr. Bigg, why yes it is!
MR. BIGG: I haven’t seen you since you broke that magical watch and left that kid here to starve.
(MRS. MCGEE laughs hysterically)
MRS. MCGEE: Wait… Changing the subject… Mr. Bigg, we need you to make a new magical watch.
MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. I invented this watch. The “Magical Traveling Watch.” …It didn’t catch on very well. But, unfortunately, we aren’t a watch company anymore, Mrs. Mcgee. There isn’t any money in that business. We’re a theatre company now!
MRS. MCGEE: Can ya make a new one or not?
MR. BIGG: Sure. It might take a while, though.
MRS. MCGEE: Why is that?
MR. BIGG: We’re trying to put on this show, but there aren’t any good actors here in the Big City.
MRS. MCGEE: What if I told you I knew two of the greatest actors in the whole world? Then could you fix this watch?
MR. BIGG: Yes, but from your tone, it seems as if there is a catch.
MRS. MCGEE: Alden here, and I are the great actors! We’ll star in your show!
MR. BIGG: Are you… crazy?
MRS. MCGEE: Probably! (She laughs.) Crazy like a fox!
MR. BIGG: Okay, but if this doesn’t work, I’m done for!
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I am not an actor. I am from Davenport. It’s… different there!
MRS. MCGEE: Alden…! Nothing in life is free. I think I learned that in my Cabaret days!
ALDEN: I’m a teenager. I don’t act. All I care about is girls.
MR. BIGG: Conveniently, here is one of the best actresses in the company… Jeanne!
(JEANNE, a pretty girl, enters.)
JEANNE: Hello, my name is Jeanne.
MR. BIGG: These are the two stars of the show. Mrs. Mcgee and Alden.
MRS. MCGEE: HELLOOOOO!! My, my, dear! You’re prettier than Latoya Jackson! And half the tone!
JEANNE: Thank you…? And hello Alden.
ALDEN (stunned): Hello.
MRS. MCGEE: Well, let’s get started! As Thomas Jefferson said, “There’s No Business Like Show Business!”
(They all leave.)
Scene 3.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, and JEANNE enter. They rehearse.)
ALDEN (reading from a sheet): You sure are special. What’s your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: I’m sorry. Could you repeat that, dear? I was not paying attention.
ALDEN(reading from a sheet): You sure are special. What’s your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I add mud to my face, first. It gives you great silky skin. I bought it at a bait store. Lots of yummy gummy worms in it! Then I eat four raw eggs and –
ALDEN: You didn’t practice at all, did you!?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I have to get my beauty sleep, Alden. I don’t just get this way overnight, like rappers!
ALDEN: I’m sick of you!
JEANNE: Alden! Don’t be so mean to your nanny.
ALDEN: Why can’t I?
JEANNE: She’s only trying to help.
MRS. MCGEE: That’s right Jeanne. All I do is help. Help, help, help. Like one time I helped my grand daughter out with her little twitch – and let me tell ya, it was annoying as hell! So, I just slap her and she stops. (She laughs.) Then I say, “this’ll be our little secret!” (She laughs hysterically and is cut off by ALDEN.)
ALDEN: All you’ve done is get us into trouble! And now we will never get to got home.
MRS. MCGEE: Alden, honey, I’m sorry. Want to take it from the top?
ALDEN: No! Jeanne, why don’t we practice outside?
MRS. MCGEE: Hey, don’t treat me this way. Don’t make me make you take this here medicine!
(She takes out a bottle.)
ALDEN: That says “RUM PUNCH.”
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, so it does.
ALDEN: Always making jokes… IT’S YOUR FAULT MY PARENTS HATE ME! IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR EVERYTHING!!
MRS. MCGEE: You’re right. This is all my fault. I am not trying to get you to see that your parents love you by stranding you out here because they will surely look for you frantically… No, not in any way at all.
ALDEN: Huh?
MRS. MCGEE: Alden, as your nanny, I do care and love you so much.
ALDEN: I hate you, Mrs. Mcgee!
(ALDEN grabs JEANNE and storms away.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden… I do love you so. And you love me… So very much… You just don’t know it yet! Ha, ha!
Scene 4.
Outside Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)
MARY: And why do you think that Alden would be in this theatre?
CALPURNIA: I just sense it. Why not ask the old man river?
MARY: What?
CALPURNIA: Nothing.
GLENN: I feel so out of home here, in the Big City. There are so many strange and foreign animals.
CALPURNIA: Like what?
GLENN: For instance, Harlem and Chinatown are like zoos! And there are Sina-g-goos everywhere!
(He takes out a flask and takes a swig.)
MARY: Been searching for Alden and Mrs. Mcgee for weeks! Oh, How I miss our Alden.
GLENN: Me too. But we’ll search as long as it takes.
MARY: Glenn, the show’s about to begin!
(They exit. Conveniently, ALDEN and JEANNE enter, talking.)
ALDEN: And that’s why my parents probably aren’t even searching for me. …Well, Jeanne. It’s opening night.
JEANNE: So it is…
ALDEN: It’s been three days. Do you think I was too hard on Mrs. Mcgee?
JEANNE: That’s hard to answer.
ALDEN: I know, but she is the best nanny I’ve ever had. I’ve never met anyone like her. You know, she has her own special magic about her – a crude magic, though… A drunken magic, though… In fact, she can drink and drink and drink and never get drunk.
JEANNE: That is magical!
ALDEN: Actually, it’s more of, she acts drunk all the time… But, also, she eats and eats, but never expands more. But she also claims to “diet”… But she never loses any either. Should I make up with her? What will come from this whole experience, Jeanne?
JEANNE: Let me put it this way, things will work themselves out. They always do.
ALDEN: Thank you for that. It makes me feel much better.
JEANNE: You’re welcome.
ALDEN: Also… I… I have something to tell you.
JEANNE: What is it, Alden?
ALDEN: I like you.
JEANNE: I do too. You’ve always been a good friend to me. Even though I’ve only known you for a short time.
ALDEN: Not in that way. I mean, I really like you…
JEANNE: Like love?
ALDEN: …Yes.
JEANNE: I think I do too. I’ve never been in love before.
ALDEN: Me either.
(ALDEN turns to kiss JEANNE, but she stops him.)
JEANNE: Wait.
ALDEN: Why?
JEANNE: Once you find out about me, you won’t like me anymore.
ALDEN: Why not?
JEANNE: Because… I wasn’t born a girl!
ALDEN: That means you’re a… a…
JEANNE: Yes.
ALDEN: Um…
JEANNE: I understand. I mean, that’s why I’ll never have someone to love…
ALDEN: It doesn’t matter to me.
JEANNE: Oh, Alden!
ALDEN: Man, if this was a play, then the plot would be really muddled by now.
(They kiss. HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters. He takes out a gun and points it at ALDEN and JEANNE.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hello! Do you remember me?
ALDEN: Yes, of course. Do you need some money? Homeless people shou –
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Dios Mio! I’m the guy that chased you out of Act two, Scene one!
ALDEN: Oh, crud.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Well, unless you show me the fat one, you and your girlfriend die!
MRS. MCGEE (Offstage): Not so fast, hombre!
(A shadow appears above.)
ALDEN: It’s a bird!
JEANNE: It’s a plane!
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: It’s so… so obese and repulsive… like my stereotypical accent.
(MRS. MCGEE crashes with her umbrella full of holes.)
MRS. MCGEE: Nobody harasses my children! Not even a homeless person! Judo Chop!! (She judo chops him. He faints.)
ALDEN: MRS. MCGEE?!
MRS. MCGEE: Yes, well, let’s get on stage. It’s almost time to go on!
ALDEN: I’m so sorry abou –
MRS. MCGEE: Shaddup, kid! WE DON’T HAVE TIME! It is time to go on! (She laughs hysterically)
(They exit, led by Mrs. Mcgee.)
Scene 5.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(Lights up. A drum roll is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: Presenting… That five foot ten bundle of insanity… You guessed it… MRS. MCGEE!!
(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flapper outfit.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo, boys! Hit it! (She sings.)
Let me entertain you,
Let me make you smile,
I will try some old tricks,
I couldn’t do a back-flip,
I’m not that versatile,
And if you’re real sad,
I’ll make you feel bad,
I’ll make you cough up bile!
Oh, let me entertain you,
And we’ll have a real good time, yes sir
And we’ll have a real good time
Let me entertain you,
Watch me try to dance,
I could turn my back, son,
Or maybe Michael Jackson,
Don’t kick me in the pants,
And if I’m real drunk,
I’ll make your brain thunk,
That I am a dirty whore,
Oh, let me entertain you,
And we’ll have a real good time, yes sir
And we’ll have a real good time
(The AUDIENCE claps out of habit. ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)
ALDEN: Gee, Mrs. Mcgee, you sure are glamorous. How do you do it?
MCGEE: I just use a little Mascara here and there.
JEANNE: Golly! And you’re just so special!
MCGEE: Not everyone can be like me! I’m the one! (She sings.)
One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know I’ll never have money ‘cause I got sued!
One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,
ALDEN and JEANNE:
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!
MRS. MCGEE:
I’m the broken, drunk confection – I’m the one!
I walk into a bar and I find that I’m,
Singing a tune strangly unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
I walk into a room and you know by my,
ALDEN and JEANNE:
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare,
On her,
MRS MCGEE:
Can’t help if I don’t have honor,
Loaded with charisma is ma,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop my bad song, get a headache,
I’m the bonne chanteuse that’s mak’in the grade!
This is what I call living!
I’ll strut my stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of me! Love me!
You’re a sun of a gun
I am one of a kind!
One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know I’ll never have money ‘cause I got sued!
One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!
I’m the broken, drunk confection – I’m the one!
ALDEN and JEANNE:
She walks into a bar and she finds that she’s,
Singing a tune strangely unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
Shes walk into a room and you know by her,
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare
On her,
Can’t help if she doesn’t have honor,
Loaded with charisma is her,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop her bad song, get a headache,
She’s the bonne chanteuse that’s mak’in the grade!
This is what she calls living!
She’ll strut her stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of her! Love her!
You’re a sun of a gun,
She is one of a kind!
(The AUDIENCE claps. Curtain.)
Scene 6.
The Cast Party
(MR. BIGG, MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)
MR. BIGG: Congratulations, people! We’re a hit!
ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (Adlib)
MR. BIGG: We’ve even got offers for Off-Off Broadway! It’s all because of this one lady, here. Mrs. Mcgee!
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! No applause. Please.
(No one claps.)
MRS. MCGEE: Okay… Now!
(Everyone claps.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you!
MR. BIGG: And she did it without any magical Nanny powers or anything!
MRS. MCGEE: Right…
MR. BIGG: As promised, here is your new watch.
(He hands her the watch.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you. Alden, now we can go home. (Alden looks away.) Alden, what’s wrong?
ALDEN: What’s the point? My parents probably didn’t even notice.
(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA runs in.)
ALDEN: Mother? Father? Calpurnia?
MARY: We’ve been searching all over for you!
GLENN: Yes we have. And we saw your performance. I think you’ve finally found something your good at.
ALDEN: Thank you. I never knew I could act.
MARY: We’ve been just so worried about you, Alan!
ALDEN: Alden, mom.
MARY: Right… Alden.
(JEANNE comes close to ALDEN.)
ALDEN: Oh, Mother, Father, this is Jeanne – my new bo – girlfriend.
MARY: Well, aren’t you pretty. And yet… somewhat masculine…
JEANNE: Thank you ma’am. It’s nice meeting you.
(MR. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: TOOOOM!
MR. MCGEE: Hello, Pat.
ALDEN: What brings you here, Mr. Mcgee?
MR. MCGEE: (He chuckles.) I’ve come looking for Pat because I’m ready to move back in with her. The government shut me and my park down. (He chuckles.) Apparently what I was doing was unconstitutional. Oh, well. Maybe I should become a lawyer. It’s the same thing as what I was doing before.
MRS. MCGEE: What’s a constitution?
MR. MCGEE: I’ll explain it to you later.
(He leaves.)
MARY: Oh, god, Alden! We just love you so much!
GLENN: Yes we do!
(They embrace. MRS. MCGEE, seeing this, sighs and gets her bag and umbrella.)
MRS. MCGEE: I think it’s about time to go. Goodbye, all!
ALDEN: You’re leaving?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes…
ALDEN: Before you leave, I’d like to say I’m sorry for what I said before…
MRS. MCGEE: It’s okay.
ALDEN: Please don’t go. You’ve been the best nanny I’ve had.
MRS. MCGEE: I must. Other families need me! You see, when I fist came here, I was looking for something – a happy family. I think I’ve found it. Now, away I go!
(She takes out her umbrella from her alligator bag. Then she opens it and flies away, waving.)
ALL: Goodbye! We’ll Never forget you!
(A POLICE OFFICER enters.)
POLICE OFFICER: Hello, people. Sorry to break up the party, but I’m looking for a certain international terrorist. I heard she was playing here. Her name’s Mrs. Patricia Mcgee. Ring a bell?
(Everyone looks at each other with confusion.)
ALDEN: That would explain a lot. No, sir… I have not seen her.
POLICE OFFICER: Oh. Okay, then. Off to the pub, I guess.
(The POLICE OFFICER exits. They pause for a moment.)
ALDEN: That was strange… and potentially irrelevant…
MARY: Changing the subject… Alden, we never knew how much we cared about you until you left. I’ve been thinking… Glenn, I… we could do without a nanny for now, don’t you think?
GLENN: Yes, dear. We could spend more time with you, Alden.
MARY: Is that alright?
ALDEN: YES!! DEFINITELY!!!
MARY: Then it’s settled.
ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (adlib)
(JEANNE and ALDEN kiss. MARY and GLENN kiss also.)
MR. BIGG: My, one could make a play or a movie about these events… but using slightly different names and actions. Oh, by the way, Alden, here’s my card, if you’re ever in town again. Now, away I go!
(MR. BIGG randomly takes out an umbrella and tries to fly away, but it won’t work.)
MR. BIGG: Nevermind.
(MUFFY enters.)
MUFFY: Mary Nich!
MARY: Muffy Moneymooch?
MUFFY: Yes, it is I! I thought about what you said, so I donated half my fortune to orphanages, so now it’s like I have a whole bunch of rotten, stinky kids, like yours! Also, guess what…
MARY: What?
MUFFY: There is a spot left open for the board of the Connecticut Country Club with your name on it.
MARY: It’s okay. I think –
MUFFY: It pays seven-thousand dollars a year.
MARY: I think I would love to join.
MUFFY: Good! Now, off to Africa to feed starving children. I never knew there was starvation in Africa. I just thought they were all on that Atkins diet.
(MUFFY exits.)
MARY: My goodness! With all this excitement, I need a drink.
GLENN: Me too!
CALPURNIA: Don’t look at me.
MR. BIGG: Not to worry, Ma’am! I have three big cases of bourbon.
(MR. BIGG uncovers some empty boxes.)
MR. BIGG: These… These boxes are empty!
GLENN and MARY: All the alcohol is gone?!
MARY: You… You don’t think…?
Scene 7.
The sky
(MRS. MCGEE flies above, clearly intoxicated. She laughs insanely and sings. Flying birds fall dead as she sings.)
MRS. MCGEE:
I love to drink, (laughs)
I love to drink all day,
I love to drink, (laughs)
My mind’s not clearly okay!
With money for liquor and wine,
You can have a heck or a time,
With your mind on your task,
Your drinking’s your mask,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask
Oh, Oh, Oh,
Let’s go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Let’s go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, let’s go buy a drink!
(The rest of the COMPANY enters and sing.)
ALL:
When you drink and drink up there,
All at once your vision’s impaired,
You can drive in your car and drive only subpart,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask
Oh, Oh, Oh,
Let’s go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Let’s go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, let’s go buy a drink!
(CALPURNIA comes out of the crowd.)
CALPURNIA: Oh, hello again. So, of course there is a happy ending and et cetera… Everyone lives happily ever after… Yes, that’s right. It’s the end of the play – and without a point or plot or moral in sight! At least it’s over. Well, technically, it’s not over until after bows… But, the point is, I hope y’all had a good time! And come back soon – at full price, preferably! Goodnight, everyone!
(Curtain.)
MRS. MCGEE!
An Eccentric Fairytale by Green
“Let Me Entertain You,” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
“One,” by Marvin Hamlisch and Edward Kleban.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
“I Love To Laugh” and “Let’s Go Fly a Kite,” by the Sherman Brothers.
Revised Lyrics by Green.
Cast (in Order of Appearance):
MRS. MCGEE – Alden’s new “magical-esque,” “imperfect” Nanny. (To be played by an Ethel Merman-like woman, or a man.)
NANNY – The old nanny.
MARY NICH – Alden’s Mother.
GLENN NICH – Alden’s Father.
ALDEN NICH – Our teenage main character.
CALPURNIA – The Nich Family’s African American maid.
MR. MCGEE – Mrs. Mcgee’s husband.
ABBY (played by same actress as Calpurnia) – A flower person
MUFFY MONEYMOOCH – A big Connecticut social climber.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER – A Hispanic bystander.
MR. BIGG – The creator of the “Magical Traveling Watch”
JEANNE – A “female” actress. Why the random character? Because all plays need a love interest.
POLICE OFFICER – Police officer
Act 1
Scene 1.
The House on Cracker Cake Lane – The Living Room
(MRS. MCGEE hovers above stage with her umbrella full of holes.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Hellooooo! SHADDUP! I bet you’re wondering who I am – well, I’m Mrs. Mcgee! But, you’ll hear more about me later in the show! Now, my dearies you are about to witness one of the most timeless stories… One of parents that don’t show love and a struggling teenager… One of a certain magical nanny that helps them on the way… One of plagiarism… And one of intoxication, greed, comedy, love, and an extremely overweight Irish – American lady – all the things that scare young children out of their Halloween candy! Alright, let’s start the show. (She laughs hysterically and flies away.)
(The NANNY enters, along with MARY.)
NANNY: I’m leaving, Mrs. Nich! This time for good!
MARY: No! You can’t leave! I’m a working mother – I can’t take care of a child!
NANNY: Good bye, Ma’am!
(NANNY leaves.)
MARY: Glenn!
(GLENN enters, with a cigar.)
GLENN: Hello, dear. What is it?
MARY: Oh, Glenn… Another nanny’s left. This is the sixth one in a row – except for that one that died of a heart attack… Our Alden must be a monster.
GLENN: Or he just wants our attention.
(Pause.)
BOTH: Naw.
MARY: What should we do about this? We can’t just say that we love him! It’s not the Connecticut way. Also, we live on the most prestigious road in the state – Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up!
GLENN: That’s true.
BOTH: Hmmmm…
(Lights up on ALDEN, in another room. It is revealed that he was listening to the conversation all along.)
ALDEN: Why can’t my parents just understand that I want their attention? I just want them to show me they love me! I’m a teenager – All I want is attention!
MARY: Ah! This is more confusing than a Chinese laundry mat! What would a Davenport, Connecticut resident do under these conditions…? (She uncovers a bottle of gin and takes a drink.) That’s better.
GLENN: Maybe we should give him a pony. (He randomly takes out a glass of wine from his jacket and sips.) That always worked back in my childhood days.
(ALDEN shakes his head.)
MARY: Yes. Good idea. It is easier to buy love.
GLENN: You know what they say – money is worth a million words.
(ALDEN shakes his head.)
MARY: Or maybe we should send him to military school.
(ALDEN pounds loudly on the wall separating him from his parents.)
MARY: Dear, what was that?!
GLENN: Mary, it must have been one of those Connecticut earthquakes. I think I may have read about those… somewhere.
MARY: (She drinks some more gin.) Quite. (Remembering something.)Well, you know, it’s our anniversary today.
GLENN: It is?
MARY: Yes. …Happy anniversary!
GLENN: To you also.
(They awkwardly embrace. Pause.)
MARY: …Anyway, we’re off subject. What should we do about this nanny problem?
GLENN: Yes! Right! Nanny! Sure! I shall put an advertisement in the Davenport Times. What do we want, dear?
(GLENN takes out a pad of paper and writes.)
MARY: We want a… perfect nanny.
ALDEN: No we don’t.
MARY: Yes, a perfect nanny that will show our son love without us getting involved! Got that, dear?
GLENN: Yes, Mary!
(ALDEN pounds on the wall again, loudly.)
GLENN: Second one today. The Goldbergs must be having one of the sacrilegious séance sin–oh–go–goo things again.
MARY: …Nannies don’t just fall from the sky with an umbrella! …Oh, how long will it be before we find the perfect nanny?
(Blackout. Everyone leaves.)
Scene 2.
The sky
(Lights up on MRS. MCGEE, who sits in her home in the sky. There is a big sign on her wall saying, "NANNY EVALUATION: The Imperfect Nanny." The "Im" is crossed out. A newspaper clipping is on the table. She powders her face, applies some rouge, lipstick, curls her hair into a neat beehive–style bun, puts on her dress, shoes, glasses, and takes a rather big swig of vodka. She does this all in about 2 minutes. Then she descends into the sky with an umbrella full of holes. Then she falls, screaming, because she is fat.)
Scene 3.
The Patio
(ALDEN sits on the patio, sipping a glass of iced tea - long island style, contemplating something. A bird whistles.)
ALDEN: Hello little bird! What’s your name?
(He whistles to the bird. MRS. MCGEE falls into the tree next to him, yelling a profanity. This tree the same tree that the bird is perched in. The bird whistles again. It is grabbed by MRS. MCGEE. Feathers scatter.)
ALDEN: Gah! What was that?! It sounded like an exotic animal – like a Mexican. But it sounded more… Ugly and fat – really ugly and fat. It can’t be some sort of imperfect nanny, can it?
(MRS. MCGEE struggles out of the bushes. Alden looks startled.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Are you of the Nich Family?
(ALDEN picks up a large stone.)
ALDEN: Y-Yes. I’m Alden Nich. What are you here for?!
MRS. MCGEE: Well, kiddo, I’m here to murder your family! (ALDEN looks very frightened.) Oh, I’m just kidding, (She laughs hysterically.) Oh, I got a billion of ‘em! Like the Chinese! Anywho, I’m here for the new nanny position! My name’s Mrs. Mcgee! You look frightened, honey. I’m not an Indian. I won’t bite or use arrows.
ALDEN: How did you know a-about the nanny job?
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, I have my ways.
(GLENN and MARY fall on to stage, from nowhere. They’ve been drinking, obviously.)
MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooo!
(GLENN and MARY cling into action, immediately. MARY pretends to do housework.)
MARY: I’m cleaning! I’m a good housewife! Right!
GLENN: Quite, dear! I’m going to work. Must bring home the bacon.
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry, sir, ma’am. I’m not with social services.
MARY: Oh! Yes! Yes! What are you here for… Mrs…?
MRS. MCGEE: Mcgee! Mrs. Patricia Mcgee! I am here for the new nanny position.
MARY: Yes, fine. What are your credentials?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I’ve brought up many children – Including… Um… The Raja’s son in India, J.P. Morgan’s children, Adolph Hit – The list goes on! Every person I raise becomes just like me – practically perfect.
(MARY and GLENN clap for her.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! One of the most prized possessions I picked up was this. (She brings out a golden pocket watch out of her alligator purse.) Isn’t it a beauty? ‘Given to me by the Dali Lama himself – on my vacation to… Tibet… to see the… Taj Mahal… and the Eiffel Tower.
GLENN: May I see the pocket watch, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure!
(She hands him the pocket watch.)
GLENN: Remarkable! I remember that exact pocket watch from my childhood. My old nanny used to hit me with it… Hey! (Remembers something) You… Mrs. Mcgee, you… You must be! You used to be my old nanny. I know it!
ALDEN and MARY: Gasp!
MRS. MCGEE: That’s right, Glenn. It is so good to see you. I haven’t seen you since I dangled you out of a window and the lawsuits kicked in. And I see you have children of your own now. You’re all grown up.
GLENN: Then it’s settled. You shall be Alden’s new nanny.
ALDEN: Father, I really think I don’t need a nanny –
GLENN: Of course you do! Mrs. Mcgee, I’m sure you’ll be a great nanny for my son, Alden.
MARY: So nice to meet you, Mrs. Mcgee. Let me help you to your room.
MRS. MCGEE: Wait, Ma’am. I have to say something to Alden. ALDEN!
ALDEN: Yes, Mrs. Mcgee?
(MRS. MCGEE hugs ALDEN hardly, but lovingly.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden, I’m going to open doors for you! I’ll show you my philosophy – that great quote by Mame – Life is a banquet and most poor countries are starving!
ALDEN: I really don’t think that’s correct –
MRS. MCGEE: Of course it is! Let’s go! As the Germans say, "Allons-y!"
(Led by Mrs. Mcgee, everyone exits.)
Scene 4.
The Dining Room
(ALDEN enters.)
ALDEN: I will show my parents I don’t need a nanny. I will drive this Mrs. Mcgee out – just like the other nannies. Rats, stones, bugs, pranks, Chinese food… I know how to scare nannies away. She seems so different – but I bet she’s not! Here she comes.
(MRS. MCGEE enters in an outrageous gaudy outfit.)
ALDEN: Good morning Mrs. Mcgee. (Noticing the outfit.) What the heck is that?!
MRS. MCGEE: Good morning, Alden! This old thing? Oh, just something I picked up in the orient.
ALDEN: The says, “MADE IN HOLLAND.”
MRS. MCGEE: Isn’t that Japanese for something?
(Pause.)
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I saved you a seat. Sit.
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, thank you, Alden. You know – (She sits down to find a pine cone on the bottom of the chair.) A pine cone? What’s this doing here? (ALDEN waits for the response.) Well, that’s good fortune for me. Martha Steward says these things make great soap for those boring jail yard days.
ALDEN: Hey, would you like a glass of water?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure. I am very thirsty. Whoever said gin was a good thirst quencher was dead wrong. (He hands her the glass. It is a dribble cup. It splatters all over her. ALDEN waits for the response.) I am so clumsy. Ah! This reminds me of my old Cabaret days. I scared away a lot of customers. I wonder why.
ALDEN (frustrated): ‘Since this your first official day as Nanny, I got you these chocolates.
(He hands them to her.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! That is so nice. Life’s like a box of chocolate – full of different colors and flavors, as they say. (She opens the box to find it is full of maggots. ALDEN waits for the response) AHHHHH!! MAGGOTS!! And juicy, disgusting ones too. When I was in the Turkish prison, we only got rationed two of these a day. High in protein, you know – and they eat the dead, rotting tissue! (She laughs hysterically. ALDEN looks baffled.) Good times.
(MARY and GLENN enter.)
GLENN: Good morning, Mrs. Mcgee.
MARY: Yes, good morning!
MRS. MCGEE: Good morning! Your Alden sure is a gentleman.
GLENN and MARY: He is?
MRS. MCGEE: Why, yes he is!
MARY: Wow… Well, let’s go have some breakfast, shall we? CALPURNIA!
(MARY, GLENN and ALDEN sit down with MRS. MCGEE. CALPURNIA enters.)
CALPURNIA: Hello, Mrs. Nich. What shall I bring for y’all to eat? Oh! You got a new nanny, I see. What’s your name?
MRS. MCGEE: Mrs. Mcgee. Hey, don’t I know you?
CALPURNIA: Huh?
MRS. MCGEE: Weren’t you on “ROOTS”?
(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)
CALPURNIA: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Mrs. Mcgee, you slay me! The racism’s killing me – and hopefully you!
MARY: I’m sorry if Calpurnia seems a bit confusing, Mrs. Mcgee. She’s not from here. Where are you from again?
CALPURNIA: South Carolina.
(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)
MARY: Never heard of it – but it sounds exotic! Anyway, Calpurnia, Let’s have a light breakfast – some lettuce and an egg – and a bloody mary for me. I have the biggest hangover.
CALPURNIA: Yes, ma’am! (To herself.) I am the biggest stereotype.
(CALPURNIA exits.)
GLENN: Do you like Davenport, Connecticut, very much?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes, it is very nice and… bland. What is there to do in a swing’in town like this?
MARY: You could go to the park or… um… Go to the park!
GLENN: Top drawer idea, dear. Top drawer! Why don’t you and Alden go to the park? It’s a nice Connecticut day. The breeze is blowing, the sky is blue, everything is the right color and the way it should be…
MRS. MCGEE: Alright!
ALDEN: But I don’t want to.
MRS. MCGEE: ALDEN! WE ARE GOING – AND THAT’S FINAL. WE ARE GOING TO THE…
MARY: Park.
MRS. MCGEE: Oh yes, the park. In fact, we are going right now!
(MRS. MCGEE rises and leads ALDEN to a closet. They step inside. Blackout on MARY and GLENN, in the dining room.)
MRS. MCGEE: Well, here we are.
ALDEN: But this is a closet.
MRS. MCGEE: Wait, I forgot about something.
(She takes out her pocket watch and spins it. Random colors and etc. appear around them.)
ALDEN: What’s happening?!
MRS. MCGEE: We’re going to the park! (She laughs hysterically.) Hang on tight!
BOTH: AHHHHHHHH!!
(Blackout. Everyone exits.)
Scene 5.
The Park
(ALDEN is asleep on the grass. What surrounds him is a park filled with statues, fountains, furniture, and etc. There is a big gold door near him. He wakes up.)
ALDEN: Where am I? I know what my parents feel like now. What happened? Did Mrs. Mcgee knock me out, drug me, and drag me here? I remember many colors and et cetera around me… (He checks his arms for injection holes.) Well, she didn’t use heroin. Could this be real?
(MRS. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooooo, dear! I see you’re awake now.
ALDEN: Where are we?
MRS. MCGEE: The park! This is a special park too. My husband lives here.
ALDEN: What are you talking about? How can your husband live in the park. Is he homeless?
MRS. MCGEE: Why don’t you ask him for yourself? Tooooooooooooom!
MR. MCGEE (Offstage): What is it, honey?
MRS. MCGEE: Come out, dear. We have company.
MR. MCGEE: Okay.
(MR. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: This is my husband, Thomas Mcgee. Tom, this is Alden Nich. Say, hello, TOM!
MR. MCGEE: Hello, sonny - Alden. (He chuckes.) So Patty is your new nanny, huh? I’m sure she takes good care of you. Just in case, take this rather large rock to protect yourself. Sit down. Make yourself at home.
(They all sit down on chairs.)
ALDEN: Gee, thanks… So, what do you do, Mr. Mcgee… If you live in a park.
MR. MCGEE: Well, I was a doctor. But you see, I didn’t like being a doctor – seeing all those patients and making all that money – but it’s what Patty wanted me to do. What I’ve really always dreamed of, was becoming a fisherman. A humble fisherman. (He sighs.) I got so fed up with doctor life, I fled to this park. Now, it is a special park.
ALDEN: It looks normal to me.
MR. MCGEE: How would you like some tea, Alden, my boy?
ALDEN: Sure.
MR. MCGEE: Abby!
(ABBY, a purple flower person, enters. She resembles CALPURNIA.)
ABBY: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Mcgee. How y’all doing? I see you got a new kid. Where’d you steal him from?
MRS. MCGEE: I’m his nanny, Abby. And why would I steal a child? I am a very responsible person!
(ALL, but ALDEN laugh.)
ABBY: Just don’t get the social worker involved this time. Anyway, what do y’all want?
MR. MCGEE: Tea, Abby.
ABBY: Like the letter?
MR. MCGEE: Don’t be smart with me, girl! Flower people don’t have the right to read. You know that.
ABBY: That’s right. That’s right. I’ll get it right away. And I’ll put the Jack Daniels in your cup, Mrs. Mcgee.
MRS. MCGEE: You know me well!
(ABBY exits.)
MR. MCGEE: Sorry about that, Alden, my boy. Some people don’t know their place.
ALDEN: What was that lady with the petals?
MR. MCGEE: Oh! (He chuckles.) Abby is a flower person. She is the dominant race of this park. Obviously, flower people are below us – what with their colors and all! You see, Colors like them are bad, KEVIN! BAAAAD!! When I came to this park, I was full of knowledge from medical school and the doctoring business, so naturally these colored folks bowed down to me – making me their master – oh, and they danced… DANCED WITH GLEE! It’s because they can’t think like us. They’re dumb. Due to this, I forbid them to learn how to read and write. If it’s there’s thing I learned in medical school, Kevin, it is that keeping people ignorant is easiest way to keep control over people. Get it, Kevin? (He chuckles.)
ALDEN: My name’s not Kevin. It’s Alden. Remember?
MR. MCGEE: Oh, yes. (He chuckles.) That’s right, Alden, my boy.
ALDEN: I noticed that big door over there. I was wondering what that was. Could you tell me, Doctor?
MR. MCGEE: KEVIN! DON’T ASK SUCH THINGS! Asking is bad! BAD, I say!! You know, life is a battle. The best way to unify people in this life-battle is to put them against something! That door is evil, Kevin. Don’t go near the door, Kevin! It’s BAD, KEVIN!! You’ll die if you go near it! Then we’ll all dance – DANCE WITH GLEE!! (He chuckles.) Get it, Kevin?
ALDEN: Okaaaayyy… Sure. Why not. (To himself) Is everyone in Mrs. Mcgee’s family freaking insane?!
MR. MCGEE: What was that?
ALDEN: Oh, nothing.
MR. MCGEE: Oh… Quite... (To himself) Note to self – kill the kid.
ALDEN: What was that?
MR. MCGEE: Oh, nothing.
ALDEN: Well, Mrs. Mcgee… Mr. Mcgee… I’m going to go take a walk.
MRS. MCGEE: Good Idea! I can have a little drink while you’re gone. I don’t drink much, you know. ABBY!!
(ALDEN Walks off near the door. MRS. MCGEE and MR. MCGEE exit. ABBY enters, dancing with glee.)
ABBY: Hey, Master Alden! Watch me dance for you!
ALDEN: That’s okay. I wanted to know, what is behind this door?
ABBY: That’s an evil door, Master Alden. It’ll eat your family and Master Mcgee will dance for some reason.
ALDEN: You remind me of someone back home, Abby.
ABBY: Really?
ALDEN: Yes… You remind me of someone my family and I should treat better… Anyway, let’s open this door.
ABBY: NOOOOOOO!!
(ALDEN opens the door. He sees brown flower people working on a big farm. ABBY runs away.)
ALDEN: I wonder what all these flower people are doing working on a farm. They’re all brown colored, too. They’re like… like… like indentured servants. A bunch of brown indentured servants working on a big farm… Hmmmm… I’m pretty sure this should remind me of something… But I’m not entirely sure what.
(MR. MCGEE enters with a gun.)
MR. MCGEE: Bad, Kevin! VERY BAD! Looking at Mr. Mcgee’s insane and potentially illegal indentured servant farm is bad, Kevin. (He chuckles.) YOU DIDN’T REMEMBER MY WARNING ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS! Now you’ll have to die!!
ALDEN: But why do all this?
MR. MCGEE: Why not? These people are below me. I have all the reason and right to do this. It’s mostly because I wanted to become a fisherman and didn’t get to, so I fled to this park, seizing power wherever I could get it – out of rage. Because I didn’t get to fisherman, I do this! I need the money. I’m not a doctor, anymore. If there’s one thing I learned in medical school, it is that taking over mass amounts of land and enslaving the people is not wrong under the right circumstances, Kevin!
ALDEN: You learned that in medical school?
MR. MCGEE: Yes! AND BECAUSE I CAN’T BECOME A FISHERMAN, YOU’LL HAVE TO DIE, KEVIN! DIIIEEEEE –
(MRS. MCGEE interrupts him, by hitting him with a random boot. He passes out.)
MRS. MCGEE: Looks like Mr. Mcgee’s gone insane again. Time to go! …I believe that’s what they said to the Japanese-Americans in 1944… (She laughs hysterically.) Well, time to go. Hold on!
(She takes out the pocket watch and spins it. Lights sputter everywhere. Blackout. Everyone exits.)
Scene 6.
Alden’s bedroom, later that night
(ALDEN is in bed, pondering something. MRS. MCGEE enters.)
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee…
MRS. MCGEE: Alden… I’m sorry about the park. Sometimes my husband gets a little crazy. Well, so do I! (She laughs.) But the point is, my husband is wrong. He thinks that power and ignorance is the key to success, but he is wrong. What really matters is love and your family and friends. Also, being ignorant is wrong. You must find out all you can, like me! My husband thinks ignorance is bliss, but it’s wrong to forget about everything outside for the sake of being ignorant… Don’t ever be ignorant.
ALDEN: (surprised by her profound words.) Thank you, Mrs. Mcgee.
MRS. MCGEE: At least me and you aren’t ignorant, huh, kiddo? (She laughs hysterically.) Hey look out the window! (She rushes to the window.) It’s a janitor! And he’s got his “hommies” with him! Hey, dawg! I’m hissen to the shissen, ‘till ya just can’t stop the drop, yo! Represent!
(She laughs hysterically, pounding on her chest, trying to imitate the “janitor.” A shattering window is heard. Blackout.)
Scene 7.
The Kitchen
(MARY and GLENN enter. MARY is in an apron. It seems as if she’s been through some great ordeal, judging by the dirt on her apron.)
MARY: Glenn! Come quick! Look! Look what I’ve done!
(GLENN grasps the phone.)
GLENN: I’m calling 911 as we speak, dear.
MARY: No! It’s nothing bad. (She takes out a tray of cinnamon buns.)
GLENN: My goodness. Look at the sweet crusty outside and just smell that wonderful essence. And the icing is just perfect. Where did you these? They must have cost a lot – much more than those Mc Donald’s ones you usually get.
MARY: No, I made these.
(GLENN laughs. Then stops, seeing MARY is not laughing.)
GLENN: Oh! Y-You’re serious. Well, this a momentous occasion. You haven’t made or baked something since… Since you made those mashed potatoes when Alden was baby. So much surgery! So many bills… So many social workers…
MARY: Well, the only thing left to do is try them.
(Pause.)
MARY: …Yes, try them. There are a lot.
GLENN: You are the chef. They do look scrumptious… (to himself) So did the mashed potatoes… (To her.) I think you should try them first.
(MARY takes a bite of one and her eyes buldge. GLENN grasps the phone.)
MARY: GLENN…!
GLENN: I’m calling 911 as we speak, dear.
MARY: No! No! No! These… These aren’t bad.
(GLENN tries one. Then he gobbles it down.)
GLENN: My, my, Mary. These are pretty good actually.
MARY: I know. Who knew I could to things like this. You know, I never was able to do things like this before…
(Pause.)
MARY: Before that Mrs. Mcgee person came into our lives. And ever since then, Alden has been such a good boy. No more rap music… no more sass… no more hormone-driven terror threats…
GLENN: I know. I don’t much about my childhood, but I do remember that, Mrs. Mcgee has that effect on people.
MARY: And she’s so nice and kind and not offensive at all.
(MRS. MCGEE enters, with a black face.)
MARY: Ahhhh! A criminal!
GLENN: I’ll get the pepper spray, Mary. You get the prescription drugs.
(MRS. MCGEE laughs.)
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry. I’m not a criminal. I’d bring my leaf blower with if I was. It’s me, Mrs. Mcgee!
GLENN: I didn’t recognize you. Why is your face…?
MRS. MCGEE: I was using the hair dryer, and I set it up to the max and it blew up. I haven’t the foggiest why. By the way, how many plugs are you supposed the plug in at the same time? Wait, no time for chat. I have to teach Alden how to play Monopoly. First, we need those little wooden letter blocks and a die. Anyhoo, have a nice day.
(MRS. MCGEE exits. GLENN kisses MARY.)
MARY: Glenn! This is the first time you’ve… done anything with me… since…
GLENN: I don’t what came over me.
MARY: This reminds me of when we first met. Remember?
GLENN: Of course, dear. We first met at Club Blanc… You were the most lovely, girl there… So clean, so white… so utterly bland…
MARY So were you!
GLENN: Well, I try.
MARY: I have a racy thought! Why don’t we go to the bedroom to…
GLENN: Do something dirty?
MARY: Yes, Glenn…
GLENN: …Let’s the re-arrange the furniture!
MARY: YES! QUITE! I haven’t in love this much since that doll in Southbury!
(MARY jumps in his arms. They exit.)
Scene 8.
A Garden Party at The House on Cracker Cake Lane
(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)
MARY: ALDEN! This garden party means a lot to us. So, act on your best behavior. I don’t want any mishaps! This isn’t one of those hip-hop parties. We don’t associate with those kinds of people! Right, dear?
(GLENN is sitting on a chair smoking a cigar.)
MARY: GLENN!
GLENN: Yes, quite right.
MARY: Let me remind you that we live one the most prestigious road in Davenport – Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up! And also, I would like a spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club… CALPURNIA!
CALPURNIA: Yes?
MARY: Serve people with a smile and grace – unlike you’ve been doing.
CALPURNIA: ‘Course, ma’am!
MARY: No, no. It’s “Of course, Miss Mary.”
CALPURNIA: Yes, Miss Mary.
MARY: Good. And what do we call Glenn?
CALPURNIA: Mr. Nich?
MARY: No, no. It’s “Master Glenn.” Now, repeat!
CALPURNIA (annoyed): Master Glenn…
MARY: Spendid, Calpurnia! There might be use for you, yet! Who knows, we might take you out to dinner, later.
CALPURNIA: Oh, thank you, Miss Mary! I’ve always wanted to try that French bistro–
MARY: Your favorite restaurant is KFC, right?
(CALPURNIA tries to answer, but is cut off.)
MARY: What am I thinking? Of course it is! …Oh, and Mrs. Mcgee…
MRS. MCGEE: Reporting for duty!
MARY: Um… I was wondering if you’d like the day off.
MRS. MCGEE: But, I was going to show Alden how to work the crowd… Wait… I know what’s the matter…
MARY: Thank you for understanding.
MRS. MCGEE: You think that I’ll be too cultured for these Davenport Connecticut people. I fully get that, ma’am! I’ll be at the spa, if you want me. I’ll get that cute Puerto Rican guy to massage me. We has that great accent. He tries to shout out “Focus!” but yells, “Fucus! Fucus! Fucus!” It is truly orgasmatic!
(She sighs and exits.)
MARY: I’m nervous, honey!
GLENN: Yes, quite right.
(MARY faints. MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS enter. ALDEN, GLENN, and CALPURNIA don’t notice them.)
CALPURNIA: Ahhh! Get the Jack Daniels!
(ALDEN grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels and hands it to CALPURNIA.)
CALPURNIA: It’s alright, baby doll! Here you go!
(She takes out a funnel and puts it in MARY’s mouth and pours the Jack Daniels into the funnel. Mary coughs and awakens.)
MARY: That was rough. Thank goodness the party guests and that Muffy Moneymooch didn’t see this!
MUFFY: Nice to see you’re keeping your tan up. Odd way of sun bathing, though.
MARY (Quickly getting up): Oh, Muffy! So good to see you. Kiss, kiss. How have you been?
MUFFY: Fine, fine… but it isn’t easy being one of the famous Newport Moneymooches. Sometimes I have to get up at two pm! I mean, I don’t have to pick up my children, but parents must make sacrifices.
(Everyone claps.)
MARY: I know! I know! Sometimes I have to microwave a meal when my maid is out.
(Pause. Everyone claps awkwardly.)
MUFFY: Don’t you have a cook?
MARY: Yes! I have nine!
ALDEN: Hi, ma’am!
MUFFY: You must be little Alden Nich. I have heard great things about you.
ALDEN: Thank you. I just won the battle of the bands competition at my school. I play guitar.
MARY (whispering to ALDEN): ALDEN!! This is Muffy Moneymooch, the biggest social climber in all the land! All of Connecticut, that is. Don’t freaking ruin this for me!! (to MUFFY.) What he means is that he is a concert pianist, RIGHT, ALDEN?!
ALDEN: Yes.
MUFFY: And such good manners. There must be good breeding in your background.
(A faint “Hellooooo” is heard offstage.)
MUFFY: What’s that?
MARY: Nothing.
(Another faint, yet louder “Helloooo” is heard offstage.)
MUFFY: There it is again… As if a fat Irish American woman… no, an elephant is approaching!
(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flashy, sequin gown.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Hellooooo!
MUFFY: Who… What is that?
MARY: Our Nanny… Mrs. Mcgee…
MUFFY: Hello yourself Mrs. Mcgee. Do you know who I am?
MRS. MCGEE: Do I?! …No.
MUFFY: Muffy Moneymooch – of the Newport Moneymooches.
MRS. MCGEE: Whatever!
(Pause. Then MUFFY laughs.)
MUFFY: You’re funny, Mrs. Mcgee! “Whatever!” Ha!
(The other Party Guests laugh also. CALPURNIA approaches MUFFY with a tray of wine glasses.)
CALPURNIA: Wine, Miss Moneymooch?
MUFFY: I don’t mind if I do. (she spills it on herself.) Clumsy oaf! Look what you made me do!
(CALPURNIA exits quietly.)
ALDEN: Here, let me clean you up.
(He blots her dress with a towel. There is a big whole where the wine stain was.)
ALDEN: That can’t be good.
MUFFY and MARY: WHAT DID YOU DO?!
ALDEN: This must have been my science fair towel… WITH THE ACID ON IT! Oh, CRAP!
MUFFY: This suit is from France. It is worth more than your life in cold, stinky money. My God! I thought this was a respectable home. I see it is not. Good-bye!
MARY: NO! DON’T GO!! ALDEN!! Look’s what’s happened! It’s all your fault. I… I don’t want you as my son anymore. I never cared about you, ever!
MUFFY: You tell him, sister! That’s what I told my son in my will!
MARY: You are a digrace! A BLOODY DISGRACE!! I DON’T LOVE YOU!!!
MRS. MCGEE: Well… this is awkward… Don’t worry, Alden, I’ll get us out of this, with my trusty magical pocket watch!
(She takes it out of her bag. Then she accidentally drops it, then steps on it, breaking it. Lights splutter everywhere.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh no.
ALDEN: What is going to happen?
MRS. MCGEE: I don’t know, but hold on, tight.
(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN disappear in a flash of light.)
GLENN (Noticing the situation): What happened?
MARY: I don’t know…
GLENN: Alden and Mrs. Mcgee are gone… She must have kidnapped him.
MARY: We just saw them vanish. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
GLENN: I knew this would happen! Mrs. Mcgee must have kidnapped our son! With Drugs!! And… Candy!!
BOTH: We have to find him.
MARY: DRUGS?! CANDY?! I don’t like the sound of that! They could be anywhere… Probably somewhere evil and dark and black.
BOTH: HARLEM!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MUFFY: Good riddance to bad blood. You’ll never see that rude boy again.
MARY: We have to go after him – to wherever he is.
MUFFY: Wait, Mary Nich. I think you’re making a big mistake. Which is more important? You’re social life or your kid? If you leave now, you can kiss your spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club good-bye. And Judging by my money and power, I think you’ll pick the right choice.
MARY: Alden is more important, you cheap, social climbing hussy! I never liked you. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at the boy…
(MARY and GLENN run off.)
MUFFY: But I… I have so much money and all you have is a rotten kid… You’ll regret it, someday! SOMEDAAAAAYY!! Hmmph!
(MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS exit. CALPURNIA re-enters.)
CALPURNIA (to the audience): Hello audience! I bet your thinking to yourself, just about now, that “Oh God! This is one of those plays where they talk to the audience!” Well, it is now. Just for the record, this is the end of act one. Enjoy intermission, and be back for act two. Bye, bye for now!
(She exits. Curtain.)
Act 2
Scene 1.
Somewhere in The Big City
(MARY, GLENN and CALPURNIA enter in immigrant-style clothes.)
MARY: So, we’ve concluded that she must have taken Alden somewhere in the Big City.
GLENN: Luckily, we had these immigrant-chic clothes. And they are so gaudy. Now we’ll blend in for sure!
CALPURNIA (To herself): Last time I lend them my clothes! Try buying clothes with a maid’s salary…
MARY: I assume you know your way around this place, Calpurnia. Show us where a kidnapping nanny would go in the Big City.
CALPURNIA: Ma’am, I have never been to the Big City. I don’t know my way around. That is a mean, mean assumption.
(A HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if you knew where I could find this address.
CALPURNIA: Sure. If you take the R or W train to prince, then just keep walking straight until you hit spring.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Thank you.
(BYSTANDER exits.)
CALPURNIA: Don’t give me that look! I know what y’all are thinking!
MARY: And you were saying?
CALPURNIA: Nevermind. Let’s check the subways. This way.
(They all exit. At that same moment that they leave, a HISPANIC BYSTANDER, MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter. A HISPANIC BYSTANDER waves around a coffee cup.)
ALDEN: So, we ended up in the Big City?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes. Apparently. The Big City is the biggest city in the whole state. Aptly called – the Big City. This is where they make those pocket watches.
ALDEN: Good. Then we can get back home.
MRS. MCGEE: Don’t worry, Alden. Until then, we can rough it! I have street smarts. I was born in New York!
ALDEN: Really?
MRS. MCGEE: I think so. Isn’t New York the place with the Golden Gate Bridge and the Texas Book Depository?
(Pause.)
MRS. MCGEE: Anywho, let’s take a look around. At least we have each other.
ALDEN: What is it?
MRS. MCGEE: There’s a homeless man. (She laughs.) I better give him some cash.
ALDEN: That’s very admirable of you.
(She places a couple coins in the HISPANIC BYSTANDER’S cup.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hey, what are you doing?!
MRS. MCGEE: Just helping a fellow human being, is all!
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What are you trying to say?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, (She laughs) you’re homeless, aren’t you, my Latin brother?
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: I’m not homeless! I was shaking this coffee cup because it was hot, you stupid vato!!
MRS. MCGEE: Oh… Well, there’s only one thing to do now.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What could that possibly be?
MRS. MCGEE: Scream!
ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE: AAAHHHHHHH!!!
(They are chased by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, help! Caucasians in trouble! He’s living la vita loca, too!!
ALDEN: Hey, Mrs. Mcgee, do you know where the magic watch shop is?
MRS. MCGEE: Sure.
ALDEN: We better get going, then.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: I’ll kill you!!
(ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE are chased off by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)
Scene 2.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MR. BIGG enters. He gives orders to his actors.)
MR. BIGG: From the top! No, no! That’s just awful! What are you all, actors or rappers? Ah… take five.
(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter.)
MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooooo! Anyone here?
MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. What is it? We’re really busy! (Noticing MRS. MCGEE.) …Mrs. Mcgee? Is that you?
MRS. MCGEE: Mr. Bigg, why yes it is!
MR. BIGG: I haven’t seen you since you broke that magical watch and left that kid here to starve.
(MRS. MCGEE laughs hysterically)
MRS. MCGEE: Wait… Changing the subject… Mr. Bigg, we need you to make a new magical watch.
MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. I invented this watch. The “Magical Traveling Watch.” …It didn’t catch on very well. But, unfortunately, we aren’t a watch company anymore, Mrs. Mcgee. There isn’t any money in that business. We’re a theatre company now!
MRS. MCGEE: Can ya make a new one or not?
MR. BIGG: Sure. It might take a while, though.
MRS. MCGEE: Why is that?
MR. BIGG: We’re trying to put on this show, but there aren’t any good actors here in the Big City.
MRS. MCGEE: What if I told you I knew two of the greatest actors in the whole world? Then could you fix this watch?
MR. BIGG: Yes, but from your tone, it seems as if there is a catch.
MRS. MCGEE: Alden here, and I are the great actors! We’ll star in your show!
MR. BIGG: Are you… crazy?
MRS. MCGEE: Probably! (She laughs.) Crazy like a fox!
MR. BIGG: Okay, but if this doesn’t work, I’m done for!
ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I am not an actor. I am from Davenport. It’s… different there!
MRS. MCGEE: Alden…! Nothing in life is free. I think I learned that in my Cabaret days!
ALDEN: I’m a teenager. I don’t act. All I care about is girls.
MR. BIGG: Conveniently, here is one of the best actresses in the company… Jeanne!
(JEANNE, a pretty girl, enters.)
JEANNE: Hello, my name is Jeanne.
MR. BIGG: These are the two stars of the show. Mrs. Mcgee and Alden.
MRS. MCGEE: HELLOOOOO!! My, my, dear! You’re prettier than Latoya Jackson! And half the tone!
JEANNE: Thank you…? And hello Alden.
ALDEN (stunned): Hello.
MRS. MCGEE: Well, let’s get started! As Thomas Jefferson said, “There’s No Business Like Show Business!”
(They all leave.)
Scene 3.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, and JEANNE enter. They rehearse.)
ALDEN (reading from a sheet): You sure are special. What’s your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: I’m sorry. Could you repeat that, dear? I was not paying attention.
ALDEN(reading from a sheet): You sure are special. What’s your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I add mud to my face, first. It gives you great silky skin. I bought it at a bait store. Lots of yummy gummy worms in it! Then I eat four raw eggs and –
ALDEN: You didn’t practice at all, did you!?
MRS. MCGEE: Well, I have to get my beauty sleep, Alden. I don’t just get this way overnight, like rappers!
ALDEN: I’m sick of you!
JEANNE: Alden! Don’t be so mean to your nanny.
ALDEN: Why can’t I?
JEANNE: She’s only trying to help.
MRS. MCGEE: That’s right Jeanne. All I do is help. Help, help, help. Like one time I helped my grand daughter out with her little twitch – and let me tell ya, it was annoying as hell! So, I just slap her and she stops. (She laughs.) Then I say, “this’ll be our little secret!” (She laughs hysterically and is cut off by ALDEN.)
ALDEN: All you’ve done is get us into trouble! And now we will never get to got home.
MRS. MCGEE: Alden, honey, I’m sorry. Want to take it from the top?
ALDEN: No! Jeanne, why don’t we practice outside?
MRS. MCGEE: Hey, don’t treat me this way. Don’t make me make you take this here medicine!
(She takes out a bottle.)
ALDEN: That says “RUM PUNCH.”
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, so it does.
ALDEN: Always making jokes… IT’S YOUR FAULT MY PARENTS HATE ME! IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR EVERYTHING!!
MRS. MCGEE: You’re right. This is all my fault. I am not trying to get you to see that your parents love you by stranding you out here because they will surely look for you frantically… No, not in any way at all.
ALDEN: Huh?
MRS. MCGEE: Alden, as your nanny, I do care and love you so much.
ALDEN: I hate you, Mrs. Mcgee!
(ALDEN grabs JEANNE and storms away.)
MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden… I do love you so. And you love me… So very much… You just don’t know it yet! Ha, ha!
Scene 4.
Outside Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)
MARY: And why do you think that Alden would be in this theatre?
CALPURNIA: I just sense it. Why not ask the old man river?
MARY: What?
CALPURNIA: Nothing.
GLENN: I feel so out of home here, in the Big City. There are so many strange and foreign animals.
CALPURNIA: Like what?
GLENN: For instance, Harlem and Chinatown are like zoos! And there are Sina-g-goos everywhere!
(He takes out a flask and takes a swig.)
MARY: Been searching for Alden and Mrs. Mcgee for weeks! Oh, How I miss our Alden.
GLENN: Me too. But we’ll search as long as it takes.
MARY: Glenn, the show’s about to begin!
(They exit. Conveniently, ALDEN and JEANNE enter, talking.)
ALDEN: And that’s why my parents probably aren’t even searching for me. …Well, Jeanne. It’s opening night.
JEANNE: So it is…
ALDEN: It’s been three days. Do you think I was too hard on Mrs. Mcgee?
JEANNE: That’s hard to answer.
ALDEN: I know, but she is the best nanny I’ve ever had. I’ve never met anyone like her. You know, she has her own special magic about her – a crude magic, though… A drunken magic, though… In fact, she can drink and drink and drink and never get drunk.
JEANNE: That is magical!
ALDEN: Actually, it’s more of, she acts drunk all the time… But, also, she eats and eats, but never expands more. But she also claims to “diet”… But she never loses any either. Should I make up with her? What will come from this whole experience, Jeanne?
JEANNE: Let me put it this way, things will work themselves out. They always do.
ALDEN: Thank you for that. It makes me feel much better.
JEANNE: You’re welcome.
ALDEN: Also… I… I have something to tell you.
JEANNE: What is it, Alden?
ALDEN: I like you.
JEANNE: I do too. You’ve always been a good friend to me. Even though I’ve only known you for a short time.
ALDEN: Not in that way. I mean, I really like you…
JEANNE: Like love?
ALDEN: …Yes.
JEANNE: I think I do too. I’ve never been in love before.
ALDEN: Me either.
(ALDEN turns to kiss JEANNE, but she stops him.)
JEANNE: Wait.
ALDEN: Why?
JEANNE: Once you find out about me, you won’t like me anymore.
ALDEN: Why not?
JEANNE: Because… I wasn’t born a girl!
ALDEN: That means you’re a… a…
JEANNE: Yes.
ALDEN: Um…
JEANNE: I understand. I mean, that’s why I’ll never have someone to love…
ALDEN: It doesn’t matter to me.
JEANNE: Oh, Alden!
ALDEN: Man, if this was a play, then the plot would be really muddled by now.
(They kiss. HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters. He takes out a gun and points it at ALDEN and JEANNE.)
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hello! Do you remember me?
ALDEN: Yes, of course. Do you need some money? Homeless people shou –
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Dios Mio! I’m the guy that chased you out of Act two, Scene one!
ALDEN: Oh, crud.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Well, unless you show me the fat one, you and your girlfriend die!
MRS. MCGEE (Offstage): Not so fast, hombre!
(A shadow appears above.)
ALDEN: It’s a bird!
JEANNE: It’s a plane!
HISPANIC BYSTANDER: It’s so… so obese and repulsive… like my stereotypical accent.
(MRS. MCGEE crashes with her umbrella full of holes.)
MRS. MCGEE: Nobody harasses my children! Not even a homeless person! Judo Chop!! (She judo chops him. He faints.)
ALDEN: MRS. MCGEE?!
MRS. MCGEE: Yes, well, let’s get on stage. It’s almost time to go on!
ALDEN: I’m so sorry abou –
MRS. MCGEE: Shaddup, kid! WE DON’T HAVE TIME! It is time to go on! (She laughs hysterically)
(They exit, led by Mrs. Mcgee.)
Scene 5.
Mr. Bigg’s Theatre
(Lights up. A drum roll is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: Presenting… That five foot ten bundle of insanity… You guessed it… MRS. MCGEE!!
(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flapper outfit.)
MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo, boys! Hit it! (She sings.)
Let me entertain you,
Let me make you smile,
I will try some old tricks,
I couldn’t do a back-flip,
I’m not that versatile,
And if you’re real sad,
I’ll make you feel bad,
I’ll make you cough up bile!
Oh, let me entertain you,
And we’ll have a real good time, yes sir
And we’ll have a real good time
Let me entertain you,
Watch me try to dance,
I could turn my back, son,
Or maybe Michael Jackson,
Don’t kick me in the pants,
And if I’m real drunk,
I’ll make your brain thunk,
That I am a dirty whore,
Oh, let me entertain you,
And we’ll have a real good time, yes sir
And we’ll have a real good time
(The AUDIENCE claps out of habit. ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)
ALDEN: Gee, Mrs. Mcgee, you sure are glamorous. How do you do it?
MCGEE: I just use a little Mascara here and there.
JEANNE: Golly! And you’re just so special!
MCGEE: Not everyone can be like me! I’m the one! (She sings.)
One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know I’ll never have money ‘cause I got sued!
One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,
ALDEN and JEANNE:
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!
MRS. MCGEE:
I’m the broken, drunk confection – I’m the one!
I walk into a bar and I find that I’m,
Singing a tune strangly unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
I walk into a room and you know by my,
ALDEN and JEANNE:
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare,
On her,
MRS MCGEE:
Can’t help if I don’t have honor,
Loaded with charisma is ma,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop my bad song, get a headache,
I’m the bonne chanteuse that’s mak’in the grade!
This is what I call living!
I’ll strut my stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of me! Love me!
You’re a sun of a gun
I am one of a kind!
One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know I’ll never have money ‘cause I got sued!
One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!
I’m the broken, drunk confection – I’m the one!
ALDEN and JEANNE:
She walks into a bar and she finds that she’s,
Singing a tune strangely unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
Shes walk into a room and you know by her,
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare
On her,
Can’t help if she doesn’t have honor,
Loaded with charisma is her,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop her bad song, get a headache,
She’s the bonne chanteuse that’s mak’in the grade!
This is what she calls living!
She’ll strut her stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of her! Love her!
You’re a sun of a gun,
She is one of a kind!
(The AUDIENCE claps. Curtain.)
Scene 6.
The Cast Party
(MR. BIGG, MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)
MR. BIGG: Congratulations, people! We’re a hit!
ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (Adlib)
MR. BIGG: We’ve even got offers for Off-Off Broadway! It’s all because of this one lady, here. Mrs. Mcgee!
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! No applause. Please.
(No one claps.)
MRS. MCGEE: Okay… Now!
(Everyone claps.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you!
MR. BIGG: And she did it without any magical Nanny powers or anything!
MRS. MCGEE: Right…
MR. BIGG: As promised, here is your new watch.
(He hands her the watch.)
MRS. MCGEE: Thank you. Alden, now we can go home. (Alden looks away.) Alden, what’s wrong?
ALDEN: What’s the point? My parents probably didn’t even notice.
(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA runs in.)
ALDEN: Mother? Father? Calpurnia?
MARY: We’ve been searching all over for you!
GLENN: Yes we have. And we saw your performance. I think you’ve finally found something your good at.
ALDEN: Thank you. I never knew I could act.
MARY: We’ve been just so worried about you, Alan!
ALDEN: Alden, mom.
MARY: Right… Alden.
(JEANNE comes close to ALDEN.)
ALDEN: Oh, Mother, Father, this is Jeanne – my new bo – girlfriend.
MARY: Well, aren’t you pretty. And yet… somewhat masculine…
JEANNE: Thank you ma’am. It’s nice meeting you.
(MR. MCGEE enters.)
MRS. MCGEE: TOOOOM!
MR. MCGEE: Hello, Pat.
ALDEN: What brings you here, Mr. Mcgee?
MR. MCGEE: (He chuckles.) I’ve come looking for Pat because I’m ready to move back in with her. The government shut me and my park down. (He chuckles.) Apparently what I was doing was unconstitutional. Oh, well. Maybe I should become a lawyer. It’s the same thing as what I was doing before.
MRS. MCGEE: What’s a constitution?
MR. MCGEE: I’ll explain it to you later.
(He leaves.)
MARY: Oh, god, Alden! We just love you so much!
GLENN: Yes we do!
(They embrace. MRS. MCGEE, seeing this, sighs and gets her bag and umbrella.)
MRS. MCGEE: I think it’s about time to go. Goodbye, all!
ALDEN: You’re leaving?
MRS. MCGEE: Yes…
ALDEN: Before you leave, I’d like to say I’m sorry for what I said before…
MRS. MCGEE: It’s okay.
ALDEN: Please don’t go. You’ve been the best nanny I’ve had.
MRS. MCGEE: I must. Other families need me! You see, when I fist came here, I was looking for something – a happy family. I think I’ve found it. Now, away I go!
(She takes out her umbrella from her alligator bag. Then she opens it and flies away, waving.)
ALL: Goodbye! We’ll Never forget you!
(A POLICE OFFICER enters.)
POLICE OFFICER: Hello, people. Sorry to break up the party, but I’m looking for a certain international terrorist. I heard she was playing here. Her name’s Mrs. Patricia Mcgee. Ring a bell?
(Everyone looks at each other with confusion.)
ALDEN: That would explain a lot. No, sir… I have not seen her.
POLICE OFFICER: Oh. Okay, then. Off to the pub, I guess.
(The POLICE OFFICER exits. They pause for a moment.)
ALDEN: That was strange… and potentially irrelevant…
MARY: Changing the subject… Alden, we never knew how much we cared about you until you left. I’ve been thinking… Glenn, I… we could do without a nanny for now, don’t you think?
GLENN: Yes, dear. We could spend more time with you, Alden.
MARY: Is that alright?
ALDEN: YES!! DEFINITELY!!!
MARY: Then it’s settled.
ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (adlib)
(JEANNE and ALDEN kiss. MARY and GLENN kiss also.)
MR. BIGG: My, one could make a play or a movie about these events… but using slightly different names and actions. Oh, by the way, Alden, here’s my card, if you’re ever in town again. Now, away I go!
(MR. BIGG randomly takes out an umbrella and tries to fly away, but it won’t work.)
MR. BIGG: Nevermind.
(MUFFY enters.)
MUFFY: Mary Nich!
MARY: Muffy Moneymooch?
MUFFY: Yes, it is I! I thought about what you said, so I donated half my fortune to orphanages, so now it’s like I have a whole bunch of rotten, stinky kids, like yours! Also, guess what…
MARY: What?
MUFFY: There is a spot left open for the board of the Connecticut Country Club with your name on it.
MARY: It’s okay. I think –
MUFFY: It pays seven-thousand dollars a year.
MARY: I think I would love to join.
MUFFY: Good! Now, off to Africa to feed starving children. I never knew there was starvation in Africa. I just thought they were all on that Atkins diet.
(MUFFY exits.)
MARY: My goodness! With all this excitement, I need a drink.
GLENN: Me too!
CALPURNIA: Don’t look at me.
MR. BIGG: Not to worry, Ma’am! I have three big cases of bourbon.
(MR. BIGG uncovers some empty boxes.)
MR. BIGG: These… These boxes are empty!
GLENN and MARY: All the alcohol is gone?!
MARY: You… You don’t think…?
Scene 7.
The sky
(MRS. MCGEE flies above, clearly intoxicated. She laughs insanely and sings. Flying birds fall dead as she sings.)
MRS. MCGEE:
I love to drink, (laughs)
I love to drink all day,
I love to drink, (laughs)
My mind’s not clearly okay!
With money for liquor and wine,
You can have a heck or a time,
With your mind on your task,
Your drinking’s your mask,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask
Oh, Oh, Oh,
Let’s go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Let’s go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, let’s go buy a drink!
(The rest of the COMPANY enters and sing.)
ALL:
When you drink and drink up there,
All at once your vision’s impaired,
You can drive in your car and drive only subpart,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask
Oh, Oh, Oh,
Let’s go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Let’s go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, let’s go buy a drink!
(CALPURNIA comes out of the crowd.)
CALPURNIA: Oh, hello again. So, of course there is a happy ending and et cetera… Everyone lives happily ever after… Yes, that’s right. It’s the end of the play – and without a point or plot or moral in sight! At least it’s over. Well, technically, it’s not over until after bows… But, the point is, I hope y’all had a good time! And come back soon – at full price, preferably! Goodnight, everyone!
(Curtain.)
very good