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Morning (1 Viewer)

Foxryder

Senior Member
Where went my fox? Mike, this is a nice little piece. So engaging. Now you owe me that Haiku fox.

Fox.
 

TheFuhrer02

WF Veterans
Now this is a really good one. The scenario is so simple, yet it brought something to me. Thanks for this one, Mike. Definitely my favorite of your haikus as of yet. :thumbl:
 

Martin

Senior Member
The title is implicit in the piece. Personally I'd prefer it without any title. And did you intend the smaller font in last line?

Then I'd also trim it a bit; omit "the" in second line and change "has now" to "is" in third. In small pieces like this fill should generally be avoided I think.

Enjoyed the image.
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
I like the way the lines go from mist in the air, to it's effect on the ground, to the effect of the passing fox on that, that is an excellent continuity and the 'long gone' finalises it nicely.

I am with Martin on the trimming, possibly even 'shows footprints'. I would be looking for ways to use the spare syllables you gain to show the fox's unique 'in line' pattern of prints, not that I am clever enough to do it probably.
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
Sorry Firebird, that really does not do it for me, firstly 'pawprints' with it's double explosive p does not fit early morning like footprints starting with its soft f, and what happened to 'early', this is not a mist that hangs around to mid day, only the early bird will see the evidence of Mr Fox, gone before the humans are around. Your version raises an image of heavy impressions and crushed grass somehow, whereas the 'showing' brought up that of delicate drops disturbed. You also introduce the animal element in line two, leaving it 'til line three helps differentiate the lines. I strongly prefer the original, perhaps you can expound on the reasoning behind your changes.
 

Firebird

WF Veterans
I agree about your point that 'footprints' is better than 'pawprints' -it was a quick edit. However, I think 'morning mist' is enough, and that 'early' isn't needed. I also felt that the word 'showing' made the poem just a bit too telly.
 
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Shirley S. Bracken

Senior Member
I enjoyed the visual! I do agree that about three words could be cut out and it would convey the same message.
I know nothing about haiku. I never even liked it before, until now.
 
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