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Missing You (1 Viewer)

Mr.Mingo

Senior Member
Good afternoon!

You start off with clear and concise thematic framework and a solid portrayal of the emotions you are interested in talking about. I think getting all of what you need to say out on the page first really gives you the base to grow your poem from. You have a poem of almost pure concrete language, the language that digs in to reality and exists outside of the figurative. This gives strength to your message, but lacks the poetic language to really dial in the emotion as strongly as you could. You have a lot of room to grow from here.

This poem tells me every step of your speaker's situation, but it doesn't show much of anything that the reader can grasp on to and interpret. The imagery is missing, and though I can feel your character's melancholic emotions, I can't dial in on exactly how the situation makes the speaker feel. As an example, we could say the tree's leaves die and fall in the spring, which is a concrete fact, but it lacks any real figurative metaphor behind it, which is often the heart and soul of the poem; often also it's real beauty too. Metaphorically, we could talk about the personified cycle of life in discoloration of the leave's "skin" and the bright buds of the spring, or the warmth the colors of the leaves emanate in the face of cool air and coming winter like a sort of rebellious nature. Honestly, there's a million thematic metaphors you can create through imagery that almost always trump pure concrete language. They give more of a roundness to the poem that engages the readers a bit more. I think your poem here could really use some figurative language.

I was going to mention line breaks, but I figure if you round this off with some figurative language you might see it flesh out a bit more. As it stands, the line breaks cause probably more harm in the couple form than good. There doesn't appear to be much reason for the couplets and they make the less interesting words on the ends of some of your lines stand out worse, such as the "and" or "but." For a poem with this much concrete language, a solid single stanza may be better, probably with some lines combined. But as I said earlier, if you add some figurative language this will probably change.

Anyways, thanks for sharing. Hope to read more from you and see what other themes you come up with to show us!
 
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