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micro fiction critique?? (1 Viewer)

This is meant to be cheesy but realistic ;) Any critique would be appreciated... also, would it be awkward to understand the characters if it was spoken in a presentation> Thanks!

"Hey! You ate the last Cheez it!!"
"Who cares? I asked for it first anyway!"
"No you didn't!! Mo-om!"
"Good grief. 7-year-old boys. There's another box in the pantry!"
"What?! Why didn't you say so?!"
"I just did."
Silence, then...
"Hey! No pushing!"
"You're the one who ate the last Cheez it!"
"But it wasn't the last one!"
"Yeah-huh! In that box it was!"
"Well now you're stuffing you're face! Happy?"
"Not until I stuff your face!"
"Hey! That's not nice!"
"Neither are you!"
Silence, then....
"LUCKY! YOU'RE GOING TO GET SICK!!!”
“Mom, Lucky ate my Cheez its off the floor!”
 

aficklemuse

Senior Member
I thought it was funny, but I'm a little confused, as I don't really have any feel for the context this is used in. Any help clarifying would be great for a better critique! :) Hope to read more soon.
 
Nice pun. I thought it was really realistic kind of reminds me of my cousins. In what would it be used in a spoken presentation? Would it be people performing or what? If it's people performing I think it would be believable, but I don't really see any other way it could be spoken in a presentation unless someone was reading it.
 

Razzazzika

Senior Member
Ahh brotherly love. Gotta love it. This has got to be indicative of practically any argument me and my brother had when we were younger haha. Well done.
 

Roughin

Senior Member
Hi NatureLover,
I really enjoyed this. Just not quite sure what happened in the last two lines. Is Lucky the dog? Is he eating someone's vomit? (A couple of possibilities that came to my head...)
Cheers,
Roughin
 
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