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Message in a Bottle (1 Viewer)

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Put your words in a bottle freak
throw them into the vast ocean
maybe someone will hear
maybe your message will be clear
put your message in a bottle
think before you speak

Do you think anyone cares freak
no one hears your whispers
no one hears your screams
they will shatter your dreams
put your message in a bottle
why do you bother to speak

It is wise to keep your mouth shut freak
your words will be used to destroy you
turned against you to inflict pain
what will you gain
keep your words in the bottle
go on, take another drink

Do you like the way your words taste freak
or do you gag on the bitter flavor
just take another small sip
swallow before you let something slip
drink from the bottle
savor the truth you seek

Throw the empty bottle in the ocean freak
you drank the message, swallowed it
I suppose its for the best...
ride that drunken crest
the message IS the empty bottle
you really did not NEED to speak...

I released this from the archives.. I am revisiting my older work with the hopes that my creativity will be resurrected... ;)
 
Last edited:

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
I remember this poem, fire. It is one of the few poems I've read that has stayed with me. For me, the repetition of the word freak really pounds home a message of self-loathing and despair. That may not have been your intent but the last two lines nailed it with self-realisation.
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
I remember the "freak" reference too, even though I cannot recall all of the other wording. It resonated with me as I feel that I've spent much of life on society's fringes whilst looking in with astonishment and, as a consequence, sometimes doubted my sanity because I imagine my world view to be unusual.

I think the poem resonates because it's as if you've said much of it for me.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

The use of Freak throughout the piece gives it a strong sense of anchor throughout. The way in which you repeat it, creates what feels like a drumbeat stanza to stanza. It becomes almost like a mantra that the speaker is repeating to remind themselves of their own self loathing. I think the previous two comments on this piece have also iterated this point, and I can only echo that it speaks to the audience because I feel that it speaks to deep seated fears of a lot of us.

This being said, what I struggle with throughout is the lack of traditional punctuation around the word freak, for me it feels like you use enjambement to disconnect freak from the following line but because it there is no punctuation before it appears, you create for me a bit of a stumbling block. In my mind, you want that drumbeat to feel separate from the rhythm and the flow of the piece and perhaps it would work better only appearing once in each stanza rather than twice. I hope that makes sense? Take S1 for example:


Put your words in a bottle, freak
throw them into the vast ocean
maybe someone will hear
maybe your message will be clear
put your message in a bottle Freak
think before you speak

It’s only a small change, but I would argue that it actually would strengthen the repetition of the word rather than detract from them.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope my comments help in some way.

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I remember this poem, fire. It is one of the few poems I've read that has stayed with me. For me, the repetition of the word freak really pounds home a message of self-loathing and despair. That may not have been your intent but the last two lines nailed it with self-realisation.

I remember the "freak" reference too, even though I cannot recall all of the other wording. It resonated with me as I feel that I've spent much of life on society's fringes whilst looking in with astonishment and, as a consequence, sometimes doubted my sanity because I imagine my world view to be unusual.

I think the poem resonates because it's as if you've said much of it for me.

Thank you both so much for your kind comments, I appreciate them so much... this is a special, intimate poem, one that was so hard to write...I am always honest about my emotions and writing poems like this is part of working through those emotions...

When we are called names, that becomes part of our inner dialogue...
this poem was an inner dialogue between me and the view of myself that was instilled so long ago...

love you both, thank you for understanding ...
 
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Reactions: PiP

apple

WF Veterans
I love this, Fire. It feels so hateful and painful. I know what a special writer you are. Visual, emotional, you speak to me on many levels.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hello,

The use of Freak throughout the piece gives it a strong sense of anchor throughout. The way in which you repeat it, creates what feels like a drumbeat stanza to stanza. It becomes almost like a mantra that the speaker is repeating to remind themselves of their own self loathing. I think the previous two comments on this piece have also iterated this point, and I can only echo that it speaks to the audience because I feel that it speaks to deep seated fears of a lot of us.

This being said, what I struggle with throughout is the lack of traditional punctuation around the word freak, for me it feels like you use enjambement to disconnect freak from the following line but because it there is no punctuation before it appears, you create for me a bit of a stumbling block. In my mind, you want that drumbeat to feel separate from the rhythm and the flow of the piece and perhaps it would work better only appearing once in each stanza rather than twice. I hope that makes sense? Take S1 for example:


Put your words in a bottle, freak
throw them into the vast ocean
maybe someone will hear
maybe your message will be clear
put your message in a bottle Freak
think before you speak

It’s only a small change, but I would argue that it actually would strengthen the repetition of the word rather than detract from them.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope my comments help in some way.

Cheers

Syd

I loved seeing my poem through your eyes...

I avoid using punctuation when I can, using instead, line breaks and stanzas...

I did remove the word "freak" as you suggested... I was not ready to make that change before, but now... yes... Rhyme scheme be damned... ;)

Thank you so much for your excellent critique and insight, it is appreciated...
 
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