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Men (Novel) (Chapter 1) (2501 Words) (swearing) (1 Viewer)

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Chapter 1

August 20, 2011
Amsterdam, The Netherlands

Diary Log #1

My name is Robbie McLaughlin and I’ll admit I have been dreaming about men lately and I have been wondering if I am gay myself. But I don’t think so, but this is an emergency: men have been gardening a lot lately in my life so I may be gay for the weirdest reasons. You see they're lots of things you wouldn’t understand like, how my life seemed to suck because of how many people stomped all over it or because there is no one to share it with. I have been wondering whether this will all I go away and there are things I want to know. Like whether or not men are the problem to me or I have just been meeting the wrong people. I think men are something interesting but it’s just that I have been living a fantasy lately. At least I think so, and I wonder if I will ever be able to shake this off, I think that where I go with this diary I don’t know, do you think I am pretty? I usually wear girls clothing and wear make-up to make myself cute and attractive to other guys--oh shit I think I am gay! Here we go again with the gay stuff, but I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy with the fact that men have been in my life forever. I think so too! But I think to myself whether there are some things where things are just too controversial and sensitive topics to even think about. I live in Toronto Canada and here we have gay bars, immigrants and boring architecture. But then again do you really need to hear that stuff? No? Well, I thought to myself; if I should be the one to hear you speak. No don’t say a word I am so tired of trying to figure out what you like as someone who is reading this but let me elaborate what is going on here: Basically, I live with immigrants and let me just say immigrants’ suck! What do they provide? Nothing all they do is just make love and try to run the country and where do you think that will take you? Nowhere! Anyway, enough of my rants. Do you think we can go somewhere just the two--never mind I didn’t know what I was writing here.

So to put things in perspective I wonder if you’d be willing to listen to this here: so my thought on men are rather you know: messed up but I am a journalist and I have so many thought on men and you know I think they are the devil but anyway let’s just break down on what I think of them shall we? Even though I had been already talking about them for the last minute or so. Oh by the way, I was sick of Canada that I moved to the Netherlands, you know: where the red-light district is and where there is other things which I don’t want to mention. But from here I will tell you something which will make your heart flutter: oh? You don’t want to know? Well never mind then.

“How are you doing?” asked Marcella.

“Why?” I asked.

“Just checking.”

“No need, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah I am sure.

“I am, but what is your problem?”

“Fuck off.”

“Just checking.”

“Ok.”

Anyway from the look of things there was this door and it took me out into the real world if you know what I mean. I was hoping to get some sleep because it was really early in the morning and I knew from then on out that I was going to be in the worst of trouble as my father and my father (they are gay by the way) were going to send me off into school and from there that was that. I am in my twenties by the way and there would have to be some reconsidering to do when it came to the conclusion that men are all crazy and mean to me. I used to get hate messages from them and was called a derogatory word. I am black too, my skin is dark and yet I am proud but men are all the same and I just cannot stand them. I know I keep saying that I am sick of them but I have to mention it every-time I write this cold--you know let’s keep talking because I am sick and tired of this crap--men. They are everywhere and I can’t seem to get away from them.

One day I was just minding my own business when suddenly I was attacked by some guys in there thirties at a nightclub in Ethiopia and they took my wallet and from then on I was sick of guys. You see I have had a hard life and I am only twenty-three years old, I was a loser and a real one. And I had no friends that I was in such guilt for having none at all, and I was in the mood to just punch the wall or something but I am sure that as a Canadian like myself it would be hard to get myself out of this rut that I am in and for the fact that I cannot for the life of me try to let go of all the nonsense that is my life. I don’t know what comes next in this letter but I hope you can forgive me for all the bad things I have done to woman and the next because frankly I think that there are some things where men have been my worst enemy for fuck’s sake! I’ve been picked on by other guys when I was in high school and I have been wondering about way that happened in the first place. I’ve been called a homosexual, a fag, gay, there all the same! Men are all the same! I just wish I could write something that is meaningful and impacting as this letter but I know no one is going to read it so I will just end it there.

There was a road by my house and by the way the road was quite dirty and dark as it was night time where I lived. And here was this person as she said down next to me by the windows as I was heading down a road full of guilt and I wondered why I am so hateful of men even though they took everything from me. I thought to myself “I want to crawl in a hole and die.” but really I wanted to live and be liberated from all of the pain I have felt.

Today was the day I was going to live a full life but I thought to myself why oh why I was going to be full of pain today and I wondered how I was going to be free from all of the stuff I was going to be dealing with today. And I wondered if I was going to get myself out of exams that I was going to be dealing with today at my school, you see I was just about ready to do my EQAO tests but I was skeptical because I am in my twenties doing a test that grade 6 to grade 12 students do, and I was hoping that they’d let me go and I find myself in a bit of a bind because well I hoped to god I would pass it but to the point that be able to get a good education. But this was merely a test of math and I wasn’t going to be left there helpless from it. And I wondered if I was able to get his this done with the test and all but I was sure I wasn’t and that would leave me wondering if the person that I am a loser who cannot even write this test.

I would think there needs to be something along the lines of getting this done in the first place. But I think there needs to be something along the lines of what is there to do with life and with men. But there would need to be something along the lines of what to do when the going gets tough but I thought to myself that I was going to have to put myself in the forefront of how in the world am I going to get myself out of this mess in the first place. One day I was just minding my own business and then out of nowhere there was something that interested me from my eye; a girl and she was the most beautiful thing out there and I was so shy even for someone like me who is older than most of the students I was going along a road of pain and agony if I did not stand up and did not talk to this girl and get her my number I would be a shy person forever if I did not do it in the first place. I really wished I was able to do so but for some reason I wasn’t able to get up, I was stuck like glue. But I was ready to get up eventually and I was finally going to talk to this girl and from there it was going to be a sense of what did I just do and I was hoping there would be something along the lines of what have I just done. I think if men were the ones to mess with my head and I wandered here and there with all the guilt that I have about men is that I feel like I am the loser here and I keep saying this over and over again.

Because I am the one telling you this with every bit in my heart I was going to have leave out the things that really worried me. There would have to be something that was going to heal my heart from all these men. I want a girl in my life someone to be with and not have to waste it with other people and where there are things I can appreciate with. So as a journalist myself it was time to get to the bottom of things and where there was going to make some sense to the world. I would make my way up in the news stations and whatnot. Building up my pride and whatnot and one day I would make my way to the top of my professions fuck this EQAO test, let me as journalist break into my school and find documents about men and what they are capable of. In Toronto there were all literally men and barely girls and I feel like they are the ones in the process of trying to figure out what to do about them. And I think to myself what am going to do? And one day I figured I was going to have to deal with them but really I thought to myself, what if I show them that being a man was dreadfully hard and I make them a woman instead. Oh and by the way I want be woman if you already realized in this stupid city of Amsterdam, I was fed up with the whole bullshit thing about guys. I think that there would have to be something to deal with the way they were the ones travelling from outside the city to even be with someone like me. I don’t know what will continue this road of self-pity but I was sure that there was something about the way they were the ones to do stuff and where there was something about the way that men operate. There wasn’t much time as I had a deadline to finish my work and presto it was done and there also wasn’t much to say about the way of how I feel about them but thing is is that I am slowly going insane because I want to get myself to like men but woman are better.

School ended and I was on my way to my work in journalism and I was heading through the city of Amsterdam and I was minding my own business and I was going to have to talk to my co-workers and from there was when things were going to get hot and heavy because I saw men making out with other men in this men city world and I was sure in the mood to get boxed in by other people and that there was men all around me even in the Netherlands but frankly I didn’t care. I was too busy with my journalistic endeavors and where there was an opportunity to get myself ready for the big time as a journalist and where there was something along the lines of what to do next and where there was this feeling inside my gut that told me I wasn’t going to sustain my career as one. I mean I already had my fair share of things I was going to do in the first place like going to the station to pick up something along the lines of hate and torment that I am feeling and where there was something to do with the things of trying out different types of things and where there was something about
The guys which made me shiver on the inside and where there was something about the people as I crossed them down the road in Amsterdam and I was then shocked at the buildings and bicycles which rode passed me and I was stunned when I saw the road ahead and there were many cars passing by me too. I just wished there was someone to hit me right in the face because something triggered a memory. It was when I was told I was going to be hit in the face because I told someone that I was gay but I was only joking and in this world of only men it was a problem: men are so odd to me and I wondered whether I was going to get myself some kind of break but all I see is men and everywhere I go there is one around the corner. I feel like maybe I should write more in my diary but that would be a waste of time since I am heading to work.

“Excuse me sir, take off that hat of yours!” said a man.

“Get the fuck away from me, I don’t even know you!” I said.

“You’re that Homophobic from yesterday!”

“What are you talking about.”

“Be on your way!”
 
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