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May I be excused (1 Viewer)

Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
Slip of the tongue
Trip of the feet
Loss of a breath
Skip of a—
beat

Partner roulette
One after another
they pirouette away
in masquerade

So go now, leave
Don't take a chance
Out of my league
No-false-step-dance

At least God loves me
though none other do
His blessed hand guides me
So I don't need you.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is an interesting piece, not the sort of thing I usually read but I did enjoy it. I like the sparsity of wordage, it enables the speaker to hit the reader in a blunt manner.

That being said, I struggle to connect the first half of the piece with the second, the subtle use of rhyme in the first two stanzas works well as it has the effect of giving you a sense of urgency the reader is led through the piece at pace, the lack of it therefore in the following stanzas is jarring and in my mind creates an awkward read.

Overall, I feel that it is a rather oblique piece, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel like leaving the reader a few more obvious nuggets would help to bring them back to read again in the search of meaning.

Hope this helps you somewhat

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Slip of the tongue
Trip of the feet
Loss of a breath
Skip of a
beat


Partner roulette
One after another
they pirouette
away
in masquerade


Who has the patience
for the talentless?
Pair the flawless


'til the odd one's out


Cross necklace anchor
A touch, a prayer
For forgiveness
A heart that cares


God understands
When no-one else can
God rehearses
Forever teaches


So go now, leave
Don't take a chance
Out of my league
No-false-step-dance


At least God loves me
Though none other do
Blessed hand guiding
May I be excused


Smith, you know I am a fan of your poetry, but I must say, this poem confused me... first stanza... Classic Smith, this stanza is exactly why I love your work... howevvver... jmo, but it seems there is a disconnect after the first stanza, as if you lost focus...but DAMN... that last line is so [email protected]@%$ fabulous... mysterious... awesome... anyway, it is wonderful to read your work, I have missed you ;)
 

Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
Smith, you know I am a fan of your poetry, but I must say, this poem confused me... first stanza... Classic Smith, this stanza is exactly why I love your work... howevvver... jmo, but it seems there is a disconnect after the first stanza, as if you lost focus...but DAMN... that last line is so [email protected]@%$ fabulous... mysterious... awesome... anyway, it is wonderful to read your work, I have missed you ;)

Thanks Fire, I appreciate it! Glad to be back in some capacity. I've made changes to the poem; I removed a couple stanzas. Let me know if that keeps the poem a bit more on track, in your opinion. I may have been trying to do too much.

The poem is about the dating game.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Slip of the tongue
Trip of the feet
Loss of a breath
Skip of a
beat


Partner roulette
One after another
they pirouette
away
in masquerade


Who has the patience
for the talentless?
Pair the flawless


'til the odd one's out


So go now, leave
Don't take a chance
Out of my league
No-false-step-dance


At least God loves me
Though none other do
Blessed hand guiding
May I be excused

JMO, the stanzas you removed brings your message into sharper focus...3rd stanza is out of step with your opening stanza and imo, could be cut without losing anything... last stanza, line 2... something awkward in the way the line reads, I understand what you are saying, but maybe there is a better way?
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I agree; I've cut the third stanza. Thanks fire!

I think this poem now has a coherent message... because you are such a skilled poet, you usually move from point A to B fluidly , and this poem reflects your skill and enhances your message much better now... I hope you are happy with the results of your edit... ;)
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
Slip of the tongue
Trip of the feet
Loss of a breath
Skip of a
beat


Partner roulette
One after another
they pirouette
away
in masquerade


So go now, leave
Don't take a chance
Out of my league
No-false-step-dance


At least God loves me
Though none other do
Blessed hand guiding
May I be excused

Late to the party. They do say that "man creates god in his image" so God's love is self love and vice versa. I want to say I like this, but there's an itch to my liking that I haven't figured out. I may be back in a day or few.

Okay, I pondered .... you started a metaphor and abandoned it. So, while the content is good, at the same time, you made a space for something better. I think it's the unrealized part that's itching me ....
 
Last edited:

Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
Late to the party. They do say that "man creates god in his image" so God's love is self love and vice versa. I want to say I like this, but there's an itch to my liking that I haven't figured out. I may be back in a day or few.

Okay, I pondered .... you started a metaphor and abandoned it. So, while the content is good, at the same time, you made a space for something better. I think it's the unrealized part that's itching me ....

I have returned; not sure for how long. Anyway, I've updated the poem with the final draft. Thanks for the feedback.
 
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