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Married Woman's Guide (humor) (1 Viewer)

A

artemis00

While ruining a marriage may seem like hard work it can be accomplished in only five easy steps. I have witnessed enough failed marriages to be considered an expert, and I feel that it is time I pass this wealth of information along to an eager audience. All you have to do is follow these simple steps, and you will soon be living the single life again. Not to mention the added bonus of alimony payments padding your pockets.
The first step towards marital unhappiness begins well before you are actually married. While you are dating you must set an unrealistic expectation of yourself. While this sounds like a daunting task, it is actually accomplished quite easily. Always, and I repeat, always wear makeup. Wearing makeup when you go out, when you stay over, when you go to the beach, when you stay in and watch a movie, and when you go camping is sure to establish that you are beautiful. He will also get the idea you take care to maintain your beauty with a carefully chosen shade of eyeliner.
Eat as little as you can manage when you go out to dinner. This is crucial because it saves him money and assures that as soon as your metabolism slows down you won’t balloon into a 300-pound monster. Always agree with your husband-to-be, which we shall refer to as the victim. Not only are you bolstering the victim’s ego, you are also assuring him that you are compatible.
Have you finally married the victim? Good. You are on your way to step two. Stop doing everything you were doing in step one. No more makeup, agreeing with him, or eating daintily. Gently let him know what you dislike, such as how you hate to be tickled or can’t stand the way he throws you around like a rag doll. Let him know that his habits are pretty nasty. Criticize his open-mouthed chewing, and his inappropriate scratching. Insult the things the victim loves. The key here is to find his favorite bar, sport, music, movie, or pastime and tear it to shreds. Tell him that his favorite bar stinks like a sewer worker in a steam room and that poker isn’t really a sport. You’ll be amazed at the results.
The third step is the most important. After voicing all your opinions you have to completely clam up. I recommend just sighing as an answer to all questions. Follow his well-intentioned question about your day at work with a deep “huuhhh”. When he asks for your input about where to eat that night or where to go for the weekend, groan resentfully. Chances are that you will end up at some vile sporting event and will have even more of a chance to sigh in response to other questions about how you are enjoying the day, or what you would like to drink. My husband assures me that this is the most infuriating thing that women do. If the sigh doesn’t prove effective in your application then attempt an “I don’t know” instead.
Finding his pet peeve is step four in our process. Everyone in the world has that one thing that drives that person crazy. Find the victim’s trigger and exploit it to the best of your ability. Finding this one thing in the world can be difficult but there are some clues. Often men will cringe noticeably when exposed to their pet peeve. He may even comment on how much he hates it when people hum or how he can’t stand the lid to be left off the toothpaste. Listen and watch for clues to your man’s pet peeve. Once you have your ammo, fire. Leave the cap off the toothpaste tube every morning and unscrew it during the day. Hum Bohemian Rhapsody, loudly, while he is watching the playoff game.
Now you are ready for the final step. Step five is a bit like a popular video game, Mortal Kombat. At the end of the fight the announcer intones “Finish Him”. Now is your chance to do just that. I’ll leave the details up to you, but the finalé must be dramatic. Think big. Don’t just throw out his CD collection, burn it. Cheating on him or destroying prized possessions is best, but the choice is up to you.
See, I told you ruining your marriage wouldn’t be that difficult. With only five simple steps you can alienate your husband and sign on the line just below irreconcilable differences. The task is easily accomplished once you have broken it down and applied these steps. Good luck in the divorce settlement.
 
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