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Maria (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Upon one winter’s morning
she bellows
from the depths
her siren emanates
from my bones


She sings and shuns
all that is
glitter and gold


Her haunting rhymes
allure me
sea enchantress
awoken my soul


For I am the sailor
her jolly sailor bold


Her soft dark chimes
allure me
haunting me at rest
piercing my heart
like Cupid


She sings and shuns
all that is glitter and gold
in search of me


for I am the sailor
her jolly sailor bold


a64b68f3ee3f42cc43a756a382f47b43.jpg



J.h
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the theme and the way in which you’re playing with form and theme with some of these latest pieces. As this evokes a sea shanty for me I would like to see more of a rhythm and rhyme throughout to really evoke and enforce that.

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the theme and the way in which you’re playing with form and theme with some of these latest pieces. As this evokes a sea shanty for me I would like to see more of a rhythm and rhyme throughout to really evoke and enforce that.

Cheers

Syd

Thank you very much Syd.
I like this theme , and I will be improving it.
I was trying to stay away from the lyrics as much as possible although a little made their way in.
Thank you again.

J.
 
Last edited:

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Upon one winter’s morning
she bellows
from the depths
her siren emanates
from my bones


She sings and shuns
all that is
glitter and gold


Her haunting rhymes
allure me
sea enchantress
awoken my soul


For I am the sailor
her jolly sailor bold


Her soft dark chimes
allure me
haunting me at rest
piercing my heart
like Cupid


She sings and shuns
all that is glitter and gold
in search of me


for I am the sailor
her jolly sailor bold


a64b68f3ee3f42cc43a756a382f47b43.jpg



J.h
I really like this poem, J.
Great job. I like how it feels when I'm reading it, the longing, the searching, it comes through. Very nice.
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
This gave me a very ominous eerie feeling that I loved.
I would take out the "like cupid" part because I feel like it takes me out of the vibe that I was getting throughout the poem.
Great job!

-Annie
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
This gave me a very ominous eerie feeling that I loved.
I would take out the "like cupid" part because I feel like it takes me out of the vibe that I was getting throughout the poem.
Great job!

-Annie

Thank You very much Annie, that means a lot [emoji3590]
 
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