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Mais, c'est pas ma faute... (1 Viewer)

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Today I woke up,
soaked up the sun
--ruined those egg yolks.
Nothin' got done.

I did lotsa things.
A vying of will
against needs;
my whims, "please, please, please!"

Nothin' got done.
Damn! That black-hole of fun.
I need to succeed, yet
my will, it's fighting,
"me, me, me!"

I wrote this in purple pen because that is my favorite color. But purple font hurts my eyes. :)
 

blazeofglory

Senior Member
I understand your whimsical notes. I may sound sardonic. Not at all and as a matter of fact this is exactly the kind of poetry I want written and read and I choose to mimicry your voice since there is a tinge of something that tingles me deeply.
 

Vitaly Ana

WF Veterans
Hi Lolita,

I like this a lot. You have some great internal rhyme, a consistency of theme and character. Overall, you did a very nice job.

I would suggest a couple of things. On S2 last line perhaps space out the "please, please, please"

On S3 I wouldn't include the last line. I would replace it, perhaps with something like:

my will, it fights
it's own will"

Or something to the effect of the will or the self against itself. Or perhaps a paralyzed will.

In any case, well done!!

:)
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
I understand your whimsical notes. I may sound sardonic. Not at all and as a matter of fact this is exactly the kind of poetry I want written and read and I choose to mimicry your voice since there is a tinge of something that tingles me deeply.

thankyou!
im glad to tingle your brain. :)
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Hi Lolita,

I like this a lot. You have some great internal rhyme, a consistency of theme and character. Overall, you did a very nice job.

I would suggest a couple of things. On S2 last line perhaps space out the "please, please, please"

On S3 I wouldn't include the last line. I would replace it, perhaps with something like:

my will, it fights
it's own will"

Or something to the effect of the will or the self against itself. Or perhaps a paralyzed will.

In any case, well done!!

:)

thankyou!! I appreciate your critiques :)

for the s2 suggestion you mean stack them? like
"please,
please,
please!"

i like paralyzed will. although i thought the "me" could have the dual meaning and effect of myself/itself and that mememe selfishness to always have its way. gah now idk! i need to think more on it. :)
 
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