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Magician (1 Viewer)

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I like this. Could you explain exactly what you're saying here though. I do get slightly lost amongst it.

You’ve donned your black cape
Wand, Ready
Master of Illusion
Making yourself
Appear
to be something you’re not
Hearts turn to Stone <- Only a suggestion but 'granite' feels better here.
and Affection to Disdain <- do you need the 'and'?
In your Presence
Magician Extraordinaire
You’ve made my meagre belief in love
Disappear
You pull hate from the hearts of others <- I'd lose 'you' here.
like some pull rabbits from hats <- and change 'some pull' to 'pulling'. You could even simply write 'pulling rabbits from hats.'
You know the tricks well,
always picking the right lie <- 'always' isn't necessary. 'You know the tricks well' leads us into understanding 'always'.
from your deck of deceptions,
conjuring up emotions
in those who get suckered in by your show
People
Believe
You care
At least until the curtain closes
And the lights go on
Don’t be shy
Take a bow
You truly deserve a standing ovation
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
I like this. Could you explain exactly what you're saying here though. I do get slightly lost amongst it.
I'm glad you liked it. I've had to sit with this for awhile, taking in your suggestions and trying to figure out how to explain.

It's about putting on a show. It's about people who are good at pretending to be something they're not and describing the effects they eventually have on others(when the lights go on and truth is revealed), using imagery from magic shows. I was playing with the words. It's not a perfect parallel.

As I was thinking of how to explain, I started getting lost too. (thinking so hard, I confused myself..lol).

I took out always-does sound better.

Not sure about taking away you-cause then it sounds like a command as opposed to describing something that this person does(Pull hate from the hearts of others). I don't know...
For now, I prefer stone.
Still playing with the wording and the rhythm but I've definitely been thinking about how to incorporate what you said.

Thanks so much for reading and critiquing.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I'm glad you liked it. I've had to sit with this for awhile, taking in your suggestions and trying to figure out how to explain.

It's about putting on a show. It's about people who are good at pretending to be something they're not and describing the effects they eventually have on others(when the lights go on and truth is revealed), using imagery from magic shows. I was playing with the words. It's not a perfect parallel.

As I was thinking of how to explain, I started getting lost too. (thinking so hard, I confused myself..lol).

I took out always-does sound better.

Not sure about taking away you-cause then it sounds like a command as opposed to describing something that this person does(Pull hate from the hearts of others). I don't know...
For now, I prefer stone.
Still playing with the wording and the rhythm but I've definitely been thinking about how to incorporate what you said.

Thanks so much for reading and critiquing.

Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

You’ve made my meagre belief in love
Disappear
pull hate from the hearts of others
like some pull rabbits from hats

Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
And compare that with: '
'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

You’ve made my meagre belief in love
Disappear
pull hate from the hearts of others
like some pull rabbits from hats

Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
And compare that with: '
'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.

Okay, I'm getting somehere with this...
How about,...pulling hate from the hearts of others like some pull rabbits from hats? ...It's still not there but it's closer to it.

Thanks for taking the time to explain.

Or...pulling hate from the hearts of others, like rabbits are pulled from hats? I think I like this...
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Okay, I'm getting somehere with this...
How about,...pulling hate from the hearts of others like some pull rabbits from hats? ...It's still not there but it's closer to it.

Thanks for taking the time to explain.

Or...pulling hate from the hearts of others, like rabbits are pulled from hats? I think I like this...

That adds 'ing' though and I'd always strike those when you can. It softens the sound of every word that ends with it when the goal should be to 'try' and start with a strong word and end with a strong word. Don't get too obsessed with that though. It can drive you nuts:

lips slip, stumbling over the truth,
each letter uttered with sweet guile,
[FONT=&Verdana]mouth left parted a tooth width

Think of the vowels too and try to get as many in as you can to create a rhythm. You can also repeat vowels to make it flow smoothly. Eat your beans you mean boy. The 'ys' work there nicely too. [/FONT]
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

You’ve made my meagre belief in love
Disappear
pull hate from the hearts of others
like some pull rabbits from hats

Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
And compare that with: '
'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.

Or, You've made love
disappear,
pulling hate from the hearts of others
like rabbits are pulled from hats
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Or, You've made love
disappear,
pulling hate from the hearts of others
like rabbits are pulled from hats

It's up to you of course but it doesn't really change anything if you put 'pull'. It's still the same sequence of events, minus the 'ing'. If it sounds better to you though, stick with it.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
That adds 'ing' though and I'd always strike those when you can. It softens the sound of every word that ends with it when the goal should be to 'try' and start with a strong word and end with a strong word. Don't get too obsessed with that though. It can drive you nuts:

lips slip, stumbling over the truth,
each letter uttered with sweet guile,
[FONT=&Verdana]mouth left parted a tooth width

Think of the vowels too and try to get as many in as you can to create a rhythm. You can also repeat vowels to make it flow smoothly. Eat your beans you mean boy. The 'ys' work there nicely too. [/FONT]

I'm trying to understand...it's going to take me some time to truly get this, but again, thanks for taking the time.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
You’ve donned your black cape
Wand, Ready
Master of Illusion
Making yourself
Appear
to be something you’re not
Hearts turn to Stone
and Affection to Disdain
In your Presence
Magician Extraordinaire
You’ve made my meager belief in love
Disappear,
You pull hate from the hearts of others
like some pull rabbits from hats
You know the tricks well,
always picking the right lie
from your deck of deceptions,
conjuring up emotions
in those who get suckered in by your show
People
Believe
You care
At least until the curtain closes
And the lights go on
Don’t be shy
Take a bow
You truly deserve a standing ovation

Lovely!!! I wish if such magician could exist, pulling hate out of the hearts.... At least until the curtain closes.
Keep writing.
Good luck
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
You’ve donned your black cape
Wand, Ready
Master of Illusion
Making yourself
Appear
to be something you’re not
Hearts turn to Stone
and Affection to Disdain
In your Presence
Magician Extraordinaire
You’ve made my meager belief in love
Disappear,
You pull hate from the hearts of others
like some pull rabbits from hats
You know the tricks well,
always picking the right lie
from your deck of deceptions,
conjuring up emotions
in those who get suckered in by your show
People
Believe
You care
At least until the curtain closes
And the lights go on
Don’t be shy
Take a bow
You truly deserve a standing ovation

Hello.

This hits quite hard and it reminds me so much of a song by Within Temptation - Angel’s.
Very similar to this beautiful poem of yours.
A tale of deceit, A sparkling angel that promises to love you to the moon and back but in the end deceives you and twists the knife.

Thank you for your words.

J.
 
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